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So much is different than it was in October. I have decided the changes need to be made in my life in a positive direction. Changes that will show me as myself. Things like spontaneousness (yes that is a word I made it up) but also things like organized outings. To catch up though:
For one M. Finally decided to be true and tell me that it wasn't going to work for him. Pain..I cried myself to sleep...But now I'm okay, I miss that feeling though, that feeling that if I needed it someone would be there to hold me in his arms and just be there. But that feeling won't be fulfilled right now, nor will it probably ever be filled later, at least not by M.
To find that space wanting to be filled so quickly by boys that are past loves was mystifying to me. Even more so was the fact that I don't understand my feelings still fo one of them, J. I am afraid to let go and trust my feelings for fear of losing an excellent friendship, but what if? What if I am supposed to be courted and loved by the male? What if the friendship could edure the eventual break-up? Why must I think ahead to a break-up? Because college looms near and distance will not serve a relationship well. In fact it would kill it most assuredly. But What if it survived? WHat do I do now? A conversation took place near the start of November in which I told J. that I needed a friend at the moment, but now I feel, a sort of magnetic effect taking place. I feel excitment at the prospect of seeing his face, hearing his voice, and agin the longing to be held; but is this longing the basis of the feeling? And is it too late to change a previous statement? And how would I go about it? DO I say in simple terms that I want a relationship now? How is that fair? TO keep him witing in the wings until I feel it is safe to come out. What right have I to keep him locked away with half of my heart but apart from my true affections until further notice? his answer would surely not kill any hopes I have since i don't trully know what it is I want. No one has a true answer for me and I fear that the only step to be taken involves me being out on a limb witing for the chainsaw to cut of the connecgting wood.
Never, in my so far short life did I expectto have three, yes three(3) boys vying for my attention. I am so unused to it and I can honestly, but heart-breakenly say I am suprised. I never found myself to be a great beauty thaough I regarded my looks as pretty I find difficuly seeing beyond the frizzy hair, which I love but deteste for its natural originality, and the slightly acned face which is half genetic from my mother...thanks Ma. But past a physical beauty I did, no, still do not find myself to be the most witty person. Not to say that I am a bore but I am a processor as my coach told me. I am not always ready with a quick comeback because often I am stll digesting the jibe thrown at me. I am not dense nor am I inferior, I merely think in a different manner, and at times this is a rather solw process. I felt that it must then be my warm-hearted ways and kid mannerisms, only to discover that it is my honesty in times of strife, my anbilty to cut things to the point without beating around the bush which draws people to me. For in looking inward to myself that is an attribute which I use frequently. The three confuse my and give me a sense of belonging that I haven't felt before, a feeling of being wanted.
A positive lift today. Every person needs 12 hugs a day to thrive. To THRIVE. Such a simple act of touching, innocent and often pure it is a reminder that solittude is not always the answer. THat at some point we all need to have human contact. Our bodies will only function, they will not grow in a steady manner and our spirits and passions will die as well. SO as of todsy I am striving to hug most peope I greet. Fo I benefit as do they, for that brief touch of love may be the decideng factor for how they shape thir lives while it may only change a feeling they harboured deep inside that they were unlovable. ANd if one hug from me can do all this thatn why not give one to everyone I see allthe time.

~*ERY*~