Birthday Wishes

It's Paul's 21st birthday today!! Yup, tonight is that rite of passage when he will walk into the booze store and buy his onwn liquor. Woohoo! He's so excited. We're going to see X-Men 3 tonight and then going to some friends' apt. to celebrate. Right now I'm just trying to think of a way to get him out of my room long enough to wrap his presents and sign/find the card I got for him. As usual this is something I could have done before (like Thursday when I got them) but I'm a good little procrastintor and didn't do it yet. And now with him in the house I think I'll have to just shoo him out for a minute to wrap everything up. Not that the wrap job will be particularly great since I forgot to buy wrapping paper thus resulting in my wrapping his gifts in tissue paper. Oh well, its like a bag gift minus the bag part I guess. I hope he likes everything. I got him a DVD of a Metallica concert, have I mentioned that they are his favorite band? I can't get him tickets (mostly because they aren't on tour) but I was able to find this which he should like. And then some peanut butter fudge. Which can't go wrong since he loves chocolate more than I do and would give his life for some peanut butter. They say its the thought that acounts anyway, ,so I'm not overly worried.

This weekend was amazing! I went with Paul to his family's camp about 2 hours south of me on this little lake. It was fantastic! They had a little cabin and then some other buildings around it so that everything was spread out. Like the garage had a bunk-house over it with 3 full beds and 1 bunk bed for maximum sleeping capacity. And then an entire separate building just for the picnic table. I thought the set-up was splendid if that isn't obvious already. Plus, I finally waterskiied this weekend. On my 3rd try! Well actually I've been trying since probably 6th grade I just never got the hang of it. But I was finally ready to do it I guess because I popped right up the first time I got pulled. I fell on my face within 2 seconds though because I forgot to lean back in my excitement. Paul's Aunt MaryJo said I had the best look of achievement on my face when I got up and stayed up. She said it was picture-perfect. Huge smile and all. I was so proud. I'm going to call my mom later and tell her. Paul and I went tubing too. I like tubing its fun. Lamest sentence ever right there.

Hmm ok then. I'm just sitting here at work waiting to do something. Actually I haven't done anything since I got here and I probably won't do anything till thursday when I'm back. Oh I live such a stressful life. Heehee.

~*Ery*~

Honeysuckle Picasa

Weeeee! I downloaded Picasa from Google and it lets me photoshop my picture really easily. Plus I can directly send them here. That was a huge plug, but its free and I love it so much! This is a picture of a honeysuckle tree I took near a mall by my house. It was so pretty. i'm glad I had my camera.

~*Ery*~ 

Chocolate Chip Cookies

Yummm. I do love chewy chocolate chip cookies. And alliteration apparently. Ok, I'm done now. I find it amusing that I seem to write so much in the summer. I suppose its the lack of anything better to do that makes me do it. I do love writing though. Its calming actually.

Hmmm. Sitting here in the gathering dusk, waiting for...I'm not sure what I'm waiting for actually. I think its for someone to ask me to do sometihng. I'm bored out of my mind here. There is so little for me to do since a good portion of my friends have left. I'm trying to learn some independance, but its hard when I can't get anywhere except on rollerblades...and let me tell you, hills are not a rollerblader's friend. Plus I'm younger than most people up here. I suppose because its a college town and most people go home their first year to school. I don't know though, going home just felt as if I'd be caged, not living to my full potential. Here at least, I have to rely on myself for everything...ok Paul helps out sometimes like when we go out to eat and stuff I don't pay...but outside of that, I'm alone in my expenses. And wow can it ever pile up! Ah well, I'm on a strange tangent, I think, I really don't know what I'm talking about anymore, I'm sort of just typing and seeing what comes out.

Paul stayed over last night. It made me so happy this morning. I mean, we frequently stay in each other's homes during weekends. But this morning I had to get up and go to work. And even though he was leaving when I left, he didn't have to get up and shower like I did, so when I came back to my room, there he was sound asleep. And it was perhaps the purest happy feeling I've had in a long time. Because there he was. The man I love so much. And he had stayed the night to get up early with me the next morning, knowing that we wouldn't have time to cuddle during the morning hours, but he stayed just to be with me. I have this feeling, deep deep down, that I ponder only for brief seconds and at the strangest times so I don't jinx it. But here I shall display it. Even now as I type this my breath quickens with the thought of laying out my secret. What if this spells disaster? What if my putting it into words defies its coming into existance?

I think I could spend my life with this man. The joy I feel in his arms, the relief of seeing him after a long day, the longing just to hear his voice at the end of the telephone, and the feeling that I would sacrifice so much to be with him, makes be feel this way. I want to tell him, and I know that he would welcome it, but the romantic inside me says 'wait, and let him come to you'. I don't have a fear of waiting to long, because I know that he will be there till I'm ready to say what needs saying.

He worries me though sometimes. His brother has had a steady girlfriend for 3 years now. And Paul has this thing in his head that Todd (his brother) should get married first, or rather, will get married first. And that bothers me. Because I want to say: Why do we depend on them? I'm not saying lets run off to Vegas and get hitched tonight or anything, but I am saying that I don't want to wait for someone else to tie the knot so that I can too. Perhaps it will come up in a later discussion. I'm not overly worried, or bothered by it, just thought I'd get it "down on paper" so to speak.

Hmm, I hope it starts getting warm soon, I'm quickly becomeing annoyed with the early spirng like temperatures. Oh sweet usmmer come shine upon me! And bring me more chocolate chip cookies, at the rate I'm going I'll need more soon!

~*Ery*~

Sociology

*Sigh* I suppose I should elaborate on that last pot. It was rather brief and unfulfilling as to what has actually taken place in my life in oh say the past three or so months.

Spring Break: Went to the Mall of America with Paul. It was so much fun. We stayed in a little cheap hotel for a few days and had ourselves a good time just being together. Unfortunately the trip/break was a little tainted because my grandmother on my dad's side died on the tuesday I left. It was awful. I was too far away to go to the funeral or see her right before she died. My grandma was one of my favorite people to be around. She taught me to love good french bread, musicals, Shirley Temple, milk and ginger ale, the love of family, and how to look at the people around you as beautiful. She was a beautiful person and if I can be 1/8th the person she was I will be happy.

The rest of school: Rather uneventful for me anyway. Timnah's pregnancy became one of those constant sources of complaint/joy/worry. She'd complain over being hot, uncomfortable, etc. Be joyous the next moment because she felt a flutter of movement. Our worry came when she spotted one night and we went to the hospital to check for miscarriage. All was fine, Thank God, but worry is tiring nonetheless. My birthday has come and gone, another year older and I still feel young. i suppose thats becaus eI'm the youngest among my friends and coworkers. Oh well.

Summer break: Has begun!! Oh its so nice to be out of class!! For once I can go home andnot worry about a project thats due or something of that nature. On that note, I remained in town where I go to school for the summer.

24 in 7 months

Wow...SO I realized today that I haven't posted in forever. So just to let it all out quick: Spring Break = good (with a touch of sad), School since = good (with a touch of annoyance), SUmmer = not happened yet (bound to be exciting).

THats it for now...
Lots of love and hugs,
~*Ery*~

Three Weeks

Ooooo, Exciting right? Three whole weeks, what could the countdown be? Oh hmmm nothing so marvelous as spring break (although that is in three weeks and will be my salvation). No. This is not so much a countdown as a prison sentence. Gordon. Timnah's boyfriend/soon-to-be-fiance will be staying with us for three weeks starting this Friday. Oh yes. It went from: "OH Erycca, Gordon is coming up the week before break and staying so that we can get everything all straightened out job wise and such for the baby." Ok. Who am I to say, no your Baby's Daddy can't stay here. Then it turned into: "Well, he really misses me and wants to see me so he's gonna come up a week earlier, is that ok?? *pout/puppy eyes*" Ugh. Fine, I guess, whatever, its only two weeks, I can survive. I'll be grumpy, but I'll survive. But then today I walk in the room and this is how the conversation goes:
"Ery, can I borrow your card I need to get hockey tickets" --Timnah
"For who?" --Me (Tmnah is a cheerleader at hockey games...she doesn't need a ticket)
"Gordon." -- Timnah
"So he's coming this week then?" --Me
"Well he says its an 80% chance that he'll be here this weekend" *Big huge cheesy smile that screams 'I didn't know but maybe I had an inkling htat I didn't tell you about'* --Timnah
"Eh, uh, yeah you can use my card." (WHat the heck!?!? THis time she doesn't even bother to ask me??? SHe just assumes it will be ok??? How does that work??? And on top of it, I know he didn't just spring the whole idea on her...she had to knowthat he was thinking about it. I mean for goodness sakes they talk three times a day on the phone!) *Gives her a wary look* --Me
"I swear I didn't know he would be able to until now!" -- Timnah

And there is the kicker. She didn't know it was for certain, so she didn't bother to tell me. It seems to me that there is a lot of this not telling Ery stuff going on. And I for one, don't like it. not one bit. It pisses me off that she doesn't bother to tell me important things. Like when she is upset at me over something, or when she and her boyfriend are making plans, WHICH INVOLVE ME.

So, for three weeks I will be living with a person that, a) I don't particularly like b) I'm not supposed to be living with...since he is not Timnah and c) a person that is going to be invading my personal space (its onl a 12x12 room, there isn't a lot of space) Oh sweet Spring Break.

That I long for my break not because of a lack of schoolwork, but because of a lack of Gordon. It sort of ruins the whole experience of anticipation. Boo. I'm very upset right now.

Unfortunately that seems to be the case quite often right now. I'm very rarely in a purely good mood. There is usually something weighing on my mind.

What with TImnah and Cortney constantly having this chip on their shoulders about me or Paul or something. Its weird, you'd think we would be past this point where we for little alliances against the third person. Because its there, and its not just me who can see it. I know that Paul sees it, but hes involved in it (which I'll elaborate on in a minute) and Ben can feel that something is wrong. I don't think he's clear on what, but he knows thta its them against me. We sit at lunch (us four Ben, myself, Timnah and Cortney) and there will be long minutes of silence. And we eat. And its so uncomfortable And when we do talk I don't talk much and Timnah and Cortny seem to try and either provoke me or ignore me completely.

For example: Today I was talking about how people who don't eat but sit around and talk are annoying when I'm closing up the cafeteria and Cortney says oh well I do that, and I say well you should go talk somewhere else so we can clos up faster (not unreasonable I thought) and she's like, no I want to talk here (Why is that necessary I ask you). So I told her to fuck off and then all talk stopped. Its the first time I've let any of the stuff I'm feeling come out. And for some reason I felt bad. I didn't do anything to be treated like this (thats not really a good example...it wasn't really directed at me but blah). So yeah. Ben was just kind of like, hmmm silence. And then it continued, the silence that is.

So yeah, Paul knows. How could he not, the whole hting started when Timnah started telling him stuff about changing me (already described in another post). And its continued. First theres the "you can't share a bed, let me tell her" lie and then its just how we are treated when he is here. .

Stuff

Ok so here are the nice short facts of all the stuff thats going on:

1. Timnah is prenant.
2. I can't stand Timnah's boyfriend, I think he's a jerk, she could do better but yeah, baby.
3. They're getting married and blah all that stuff.
4. Timnah thinks she knows everything ablut having a baby/pregnancy just because she's prenant and it bugs me.
5. She doesn't want to tell anyone, but she's told lots of people already.
6. I can't tell Paul which means I had to lie to him when he asked what the test came out (because I told him there was a "scare" before she said I couldn't tell)
7. Its my fault I had to lie because of idle gossip stuff I shouldn't have brough tup in the first place.
8. We were all going to go to Myrtle Beach for Spring break but I didn't want to go so I backed out because of "money issues" which was the truth, but I really didn't want to go.
9. Now i'm going somewhere with Paul and I feel sort of bad, but our trip is going to be cheaper and unrestrained
10. Unrestrained as in Timnah wasn't going to let us share a bed when we went with the group. Which is silly because we sleep together when he is here, and her boyfriend sleeps with her when he's over, so it is a silly thing to say in the first place.
11. WHats worse is that she told Paul she'd tell me, and then she never did.
12. I haven't said anything about it because things are tense as it is.
13. I'm sort of glad she's pregnant and moving out because now the tension will be gone after this semester and I won't have to worry about feelings being hurt when I say I don't want to room with her.
14. Cortney wants to move in with someone else so I don't have to worry about that either
15. I can go into a roommate blind, we don't have to be friends or anything, just coexist.
16. Ummm I'm feeling bitchy and tired and I miss Paul and I don't really feel like saying anything else now, I'm done.

~*Ery*~

I need to Post more Often

I have to say: I am a bad blogger and should be punished, becaus eIhave not kept up with my posting duties. Heehee. Anywho. This is really a continuation as to why the end of semester sucked so much. Because it didn't hend there, unfortunately. Oh where to start.

1.) Okay, we'll start with the biggest and first issue that occured. I shall set the scene. Its Saturday night, the night of Marc's going away party in the dorms. I have just finished a six hour shift, I'm tired, pretty much sick of people, I'm being required, practically, to go over to Marc's for some drunken revels, I miss my boyfriend, I want a hug, and I'm basically just feeling pissy. So, the mood is set. I'm talking to Paul online, basic venting and complaining when out of the blue he says: "wow this is weird, Timnah is laying into me" (or something to that effect). Now mind you, Timnah is right next to me practicaly and she has given no indication that she is talking to Paul or that she has any issue with him. So I ask him to elaborate. He says that she says (this is really quite ridiculous sounding when it is all typed out) that "he changes me, makes her feel uncomfortable, and left out of everything". She made it abundently clear, to him at least, that he was unwelcome and unappreciated in both hers and Cortney's eyes. This is quite a statement for one's roomy to be making, while saying nothing to her roommate (me). But I remain quiet as per Paul's request so he can try and talk to her himself first and try and figure everything out. Around this time Marc comes barreling in (as we all do) and wondering when Timnah and I are coming over. I say my good byes to Paul and leave. Timnah states that she is "having a serious conversation" and will be in later. So I go to Marc's feeling like shit (sorry) and basically just wanting to get the night over with and forgotten. So the drinking begins (stupid stupid stupid stupidest reason to drink). Timnah comes in about a half hour later, stays for half an hour and then leaves to go somewhere else. Now, I would just like to mention that this party has been in the plans for about three weeks, so she basically dumped us all to go to some one else's party. Long story short, I drank too much too fast talked to Paul drunk and went to bed. Managed to get up and go to work the next day w/o a hangover (yea!) and then came home feeling just as crappy as I had the day before after hearing what Timnah had to say from Paul. So I go back to the room, talk to Cortney about what Timnah said and went to Church (Cortney was resonable, said she loved Paul to death and didn't really feel that strongly towards anything Timnah had said). I'm now waiting for Timnah to get home so I can talk to her. She gets home and we "talk". Its in quotes because she basically shot me down. With her there is a point, where she won't really converse with you unless she wants to, and it was clear she didn't really want to have the conversation with me. She basically said that Paul overreacted, he does change me, and that I shouldn't worry my pretty little head about it. As we sat in silence she turned it all around and asked if I was going to sit around and be mad at her. I said "No, but it hurts that you talked to my boyfriend first before me." and she said that "it just came up with him, you weren't here and I knew as soon as I said something you would hear about it from him...but I figured we could just talk it out later" I would just like to point out that that is a bold faced lie. I was in the room while they discussed it. She said nothing and I had to bring the subject up. She LIED TO ME and that, is the big issue here. I just nodded, said ok, and left it alone. In hindsight I probably should have questioned her. But we'll just see how things will work out. I'll just note, that I am still upset over this, and I don't know how this next semester is going to work out. I'm basically holding a grudge, I don't like it, but I also don't like being lied to. I don't really know what to do about it. Going with my old stand by...the flow, going with the flow.

2.) I had a crappy sleep schedule the week of exams. Sunday I was up till 2 talking all the above crap out with Paul, and then didn't et to bed till three just due to my own dilly dallying in getting into bed. At about 5 am Cortney came in and had an emotional break down for an hour. Weeee. Monday I ended up sleeping on Pat's loveseat downstairs because Timnah was having a screaming fight with her ex in our room. Needless to say, loveseats are not built to be slept on. Tuesday preceeded with no interuptions and I got to sleep in, I had plenty of sleep. Which resulted in my being awake till 3 on Wednesday night trying to sleep. And then finals were done and I was relieved.

3.) Christmas came. It was fun. I missed my love, but I dealt.

4.) Paul came down for New Years! Yea! It was great. He was here for a total of 5 days and he met lots of people and we had a lots of cuddling and I love him so much, and wish I could have gone back up north with him. I missed him so much, and I'm goning to be missing him a lot by the time I go back up there too.

5.) Marc, Nancy, Jackie, Timnah, and I are all going to see a pro basketball game before school starts. It should be very fun. I'm excited to see how Marc and Nancy get along since they have both confided that they have a slight crush on the other...but neither knows that (heehee).

Ok. So I got through everything. Its not too lngthy, except for the first story, but yeah thats a whole bunch of drama.

Lots of love and Good Wishes for the New Year,
~*Ery*~

End of Semester

The end of semester...sucks, just for the record. I hate it so much. This is the only time in the whole time I've been here that I've felt truly crappy. I just want this weekend and next week to be over. I have finals all next week and a party on Saturday and work saturday and sunday. Its never so much that I want to go home, I'm just sick of learning stuff right now. I need a break from worrying about grades and papers and projects. And this week has been a rough one for Paul and I.

It started off with me being uncomfortable with something he told me while we were drinking on Saturday night. He told me that he could see himslef spending the rest of his life with me and having children with me. And I'm just not comfortable with that. I mean, I'm 18, I can't even be thinking about that stuff yet. Even if I do love him. I mean, its only been three months. But then, at the same time, it scares me. Because I just can't bring myself to take that final jump of faith. That final leap into the great unknown with him. So we had to discuss that, but he left early so I couldn't talk to him till monday, and even then it was online which is not what I wanted at all. But it had to be that way because face-to-face time can't happen till next week. Then today it was his turn to have a problem. Well technically it was both our problems both times but anyway. On Sunday, after the campus movie, Timnah, Marc, Ben and I were waiting to go to McDonalds in Marc's room. While we were waiting we were all kind of goofying off and in the process several pictures were taken of Ben and I. All clothing was on and everything, but the positions were "compromising" lets say. Let me say right now, that as soon as the camera became involved I became aware that I didn't really feel comfortable with the situation. But I didn't really have a good reason for saying anything. So when Ben asked for the pictures to post I sent them. Well Paul saw them and it made him feel really really insecure. On top of it he had already had a bad day. So when he IM'd me and told me my whole world felt like it caved in. I felt like I had been cruel and unthoughtful of his feelings. I immediatly made Ben remove the pictures. But I still feel like the worst girlfriend in the world. I guess I just hadn't realized that I'm taken, and that means not taking anything for granted. So now more than anything I just wish I could get to Tech so I could just hug him and tell him how truly apologetic I am. I would cry if I saw him right now, just break down in his arms.

And this weekend I just don't feel up to doing anything but of course I have to work on Saturday for six hours then have a going away party for Marc after which I have to be up by 9 for another 6 hours of work. THe next week is finals, which is going to be awful till Thursday afternoon. After 2 I'm done. Paul will be coming down and I can just stop caring so much. All of us still here are going dancing and then I don't know, its just relaxation till Sunday morning when I go home.

Ok. I'm done for now, but I had to let it all out. Holding it in doesn't really work too well for me.

~*Ery*~

Gobble gobble!

Thanksgiving break is just ended and I have to say, it wasn't all that great. I mean it was wonderful seeing all my friends again (I wouldn't have traded that time for the world!!) But I don't know, the holidays just aren't feeling as celebratory as before. I love being "home" and everything, but while I'm there I miss being here at my other "home". I don't know if its the people or the place but I love it up here so much.

I think, in fact that I could live up here. I could stay in this little city, or in a little town somewhere up north here. I don't know though, leave my entire family and everything I've ever known? My mom did it, could I? I have this feeling that I could. And I guess I can always move back...but I don't know if I want to. *CONFUSED*

Paul doesn't help the situation much either. I mean I love him so much. I hate being far away from him so much. The miles and hours just seem to stretch and deepen, and suddenly I feel alone and floating free. I hated that feeling when I went back to my house. But as soon as I get within two hours of him I feel safe and secure and not so alone. Oy, I love him so. : D

Such confusion. I don't kow if I want to keep my major of ecology. But if I don't then what am I gonna do? So I got this Focus thing from the Academic and Career Advisement people...hopefully that will give me some ideas, or at least some careers to research.

~*Ery*~

P.S. This post was taken from a public one that I recently started. So I adjusted it a bit. Thats why its not written in my usual style. Hmmmm I haven't written in a while. Nothing really to tell. There used to be snow, but its all melted. Oh well, we'll get more, I have no doubt of that.

Why?

Why must we live so far apart? Why must I miss him so much? Why can't I see him for two weeks? Why does my heart ache as I think of the longe weeks ahead of me? WHy can't it all work out perfectly? Why do I feel this deep down empty feeling? Why does it hurt? Why can't I write it down? Why do I love him so much it hurts? Why do I love him so much I can see it reflected in his eyes? Why does he love me so much? WHy is he everything I've ever wanted and needed?

I miss him so much. I want to cry. I can't cry, because I know I shouldn't an dI know it would dig deep into his heart to know I cried. I wote hima love letter. I gave it to him. He cried. I diddn't see it, but he told me. He told me no one has ever meant as much to him as I do. I feel the same way about him and it hurts when we're far away. I want to just forget for a while. I can't sleep because my mind won't shut down. It won't stop going around and around and reflecting on the fact that he is not next to me. That he can't squeeze me and make me feel better. I miss my love. I miss Paul. I feel like a blathering idiot. its been three days. I miss him because I know its not going to get any shorter. I'd be fine except we keep watching these movies where everyone falls in love nad lives happily ever after and hugs and kisses, and I have no one to share it with.

On the upside it snowed today and I was excited. Well I acted excited, I don't know if I trully was as excited as I acted. I do that sometimes. Act a certain way to cover up how I feel inside. I guess you could call it a way of protecting myself from feeling too much. I don't like that I do it, because sometimes I feel fake, but then again I was really happy about hte fleeting snow so maybe that was my true feeling. I don't want to leave it here. I miss my friends back home, but I could move here. I could live the rest of my life here. I don't know. I need to lay down and just pass out. I feel a change coming. I have a feeling its something good, but I feel it coming, I'm afraid.

I miss him.

~*Ery*~

Road Trip!!

Haha not really...well sort of, I don't know. Two hours doesn't seem like a long time when it takes 8 to get home. Anyway, thats really not the point I'm aiming for here. The point I'm going for is that I went driving to to Tech this weekend to see my beloved, Paul. And I had such a good time. I finally have faces and personalities to put with people that he talks about all the time. And they are all such great people, not hta tI wan't expecting that. Truth be told I was soooo nervous. As in, stomach tied up in knots for most of friday when I go there. I mean, you refriends are closer to his family sometimes and I just so much wanted to fit in, at least a little bit. And I did! His friends, are just as nice and fun as he had described them to me, and from what he told me online, they like me too! I guess they told him that he shouldn't give me up, and I told him that I agree. I love him so.

Oh, to leave the one you love. As I mentioned, watching him walk away was hard...leaving him though, was the hardest thing ever. I had to practically throw myself into the car to avoid falling apart. And I literally mean I was close to tears, as I have ever beeen in my life over a person. I mean, its a week, but its damn hard to leave him. And then to pull away. My heart aches now, just thinking about it. I mean, I was walking down the hallway tonight and I had this strange empty feeling that I couldn't quite put my finger one (I was "home" around all the people I know and love here at school why did I feel alone?) and then I realized, I didn't have Paul walking with me, talking to me holding my hand, chasing me while trying to pat my behind (long story...short version: everybody gets them if they bend over near him, I ge them just because he can and i let him) or tickle me. I was missing his nearness. It sucks. It sucks sucks sucks. I left him a love letter though. I know he got it because I told him where to find it when I talked to him online, well sorta. He found a pair of my shorts nad I told him to check under his pillow to make sure I didn't leave anything there either. So I know he'll find it since I left it under his pillow. I'm a nerd. I know. I just had to do it. I emailed him the post: I could love you. He was really happy. I was amazed to find out that even though we didn't say it to each other till a week later, he had told his friends that same week that I wrote that post that he thought he loved me. Crazy, huh.

Anywho. I'm bedding down because I have a 9 o'clock class and it is now 2 in the am and I should be sleeeeeping!!!

Panic

I think I paniced (that looks funny) there for a second. Wow. It was scary. But, then I talked to Paul, and just hearing his voice reassured me of my feelings for him. Either way, I think I'll have to tell him that I need to slow down a bit. That things are getting to serious too fast. I don't want to, but I have to. He'll understand, I know he will, I'm just scared.

On a lighter note, I'm so excited for this weekend. For starters, my friend Jeff (the guy I was seeing for a week back in December) is coming up to see a friend of his, and he's gonna stop by and hang with me for an hour or so. He'd chill with me longer since he'll be here all weekend but I'm going up to Tech to see Paul. Yea!! And I just found a ride today. I was so stressed because I hadn't found one yet, and then I called this girl and she's able to give me a ride and I'm excited.

I started a flickr account to post pictures on. I'm excited.

http://www.flickr.com/photos/erysheep

Come and see them...if you promise not to stalk me all will be well.

~*Ery*~

Questions

Help.

I'm drowning. I don't know what to do, say, feel, express. I'm lost. I don't know what I'm doing. I can't find my way all alone. I'm not ready for this. Its too big. I'm retreating and I don't know why. I need to talk but I don't know how to say it. I need to tell him to slow down, but I can't seem to get off the train. Its barreling down on me so fast and I love him, but I'm running from his love at the same time. I don't know how to hold it inside me. I haven't given him a part of myself yet. I can feel it. There is too much inside me. Like there are one too many pieces. I want to give him that piece, I just don't know how. How do I trust in the unknown future? I don't know what to do. I want to tell him this, but I can't seem to find the words. Its all so physical, where do my words go? He is the one person that I should be able to talk to about anything, and yet I can't. That most secret part of me is only left open, here, on this blank page where no one judges. What if he judges? He won't, not to my face. I can't make myself believe that he won't do it inside, deep down where no one sees but him. Where did this mistrust come from? I hate it. Who left me and has since scarred me so deep that I can't even find the source of the distrust? Who judged me so long ago and so hurtfully that I can't get around their words?

Help.

How do I say slow down? How do I say I want you, but I can't? How do I explain that my mind, body, and heart are on different sides?

Help.

My mind and body are saying go on, its okay, you want this. My heart is saying wait wait wait...you want to wait...the time isn't right yet. Which side do I listen to? Society says to listen to my mind and body. My upbringing and faith say heart. Where is the line? Have I crossed it? Can I go back? Can I just spit it out like that?

Help.

Its not supposed to be easy. Is it supposed to be this hard? I don't know what to do. I don't know if what I'm feeling is normal. I just don't know. I just know that its dark, and I don't like how I feel right now. I don't like this unsure feeling. Isn't hte one thing you are sure of supposed to be your love?

Help.

~*Ery*~

Halloween

Weeeee!! Its me and Paul! For the record, he did not enjoy wearing my skirt or makeup and grumbled the entire half hour that he wore it and was not in public (while in public he had a fun time frolicing...I love him so, and for so many of these little things). I'm not usually this tall to him but I had boots on so I actually was within a comfortable kissing range, usually I have to get up on my tip toes and kiss him quick. But yeah this is Halloween in the dorms. We "celebrated" a couple days early so we could actually celebrate rather than just wish each other a happy halloween and then go to bed. Anyway we all dressed up and went out...to the video store to rent movies after which we all came home and changed. But yeah so if you couldn't tell Paul was a girl (as was Marc) they hated it but let Timnah, Cortney and I have our fun anyway. Timnah was a lounge singer, Cortney was a slutty pirate gypsy...yeah...and I was a french whore...I don't think I would have made very much though becasue I kept giving free kisses away to Paul heehee. So yeah it was fun.

I found that watching someone walk away from you is so much worse than just knowing that they are going. I watched Paul as he walked down my hall after saying goodbye and I wanted to just run up behind him and tell him he couldn't go, but I know that it is so hard for him to go and I wouldn't want him to so I just watched. And it hurt. Because I don't ever want to have to see him turn away from me. So from now on there will be no watching as he walks away, because it hurts too much. I miss him already and he's only been gone for 14 hours. Oy I'm in love deep.

I'm going to sleep I'm tired goodnight now.

~*Ery*~

He said,

"You want to know a secret?" I nodded.
"I love you." I smiled, and kissed him, then said,
"You want to know another secret?" He nodded.
" I love you too." He smiled and hugged and kissed me. And we lay there, on my bed, and hugged and gave each other quick peck-like kisses. Nothing more. A gentleness and warmth surrounded us that called for no more. We were together and in love and didn't need to do anything more to show it.

I love Paul!! And yes I can say it now without fear of rejection or differences in where our feelings stand. I'm in love, and I love love love love love love it! He is my lover. My boyfriend, Paul, who I love. I didn't expect it, he completely suprised me. I can't say it enough. I love him. I want to shout it to the world and hold it secret to my chest so the warmth hits my heart directly. I'm going to go glow!

~*Ery*~

P.S. When he said those three little words, it was like a storybook. My heart danced and leaped and I felt like I could fly.

Just another Manic Monday

Monday's are...interesting days. I hate Moday mornings, I mean I ddespise them with such loathing, that tehre are days when I feel like screaming obscenities until noon, simply because they never seem to go well. I believe most of this problem stems from a lack of sleep. Because I have this tendency to not sleep very much during the weekend. I go to bed at 5 or 6 in the morning and get up at 2...and granted its 8 hours of sleep, but htat is not the correct time to go to bed, I should also mention that these are approximates based on when I get into bed. Because, I have to be honest here, if Paul and I are sleeping to gether there are periods during the night that, while we are on a bed, we are not necessarily sleeping yet/still. So then Sunday night comes around, and my body has finally adjusted to my wacked out sleep schedule and then I go and change it again. Except its hard to change, so I go to bed around 2:30 and get up at 7:20 and I'm exhausted from not getting enough sleep. SO that is not a good start to a day. There is no hot food served on Mondays so I am forced to get cereal (I actually like cereal...but gosh darnit I want the to choose the cereal not be forced it). Anyway, then I'm all tired an ticked about my breakfast an dI must go to the most boring and pointless class on my schedule and listen to my professor ramble for an hour. Off to work for two and 3/4 hours then to a two hour class, and then lunch. Lunch is usually around 3pm. That is the end of my morning in my mind.

ANd then I like Mondays. For some reason they get better around lunch time. I don't know why, it just does. Actually I don't usually mind working or that last class but they are so packed in that it makes me crazy. Then I have an hour to kill before biology and then the rest of the day to myself. I guess I kinda like Mondays way back there in the back of my mind, it keeps me on my toes.

I have a confession. I keep all of the sweet little things that Paul puts in his info and away messages on AIM. I file them away in a folder. I like them a lot. And thats that. These are a couple lines from a Sarah McLachlan song that made think of what was in my last blog.


Peace in the struggle to find peace.
Comfort on the way to comfortand

If I shed a tear I won't cage it.
I won't fear love
and if I feel a rage I won't deny it
I won't fear love.
I won't fear love.
I won't fear love...

Yeah, no love fearing. I like it. I also like Paul, a lot. Hmmmm. It was such a lovely weekend. I love being with him. I don't feel like putting it down right now because I feel repetitive.

~*Ery*~

I could love you

I wrote this during my Sociology while I was busy not paying attention. I was just going to throw it away, but I figured it wouldn't hurt to put it on here.

I could love you. But I can't let myself use that word. I don't want to get hurt. I'm afraid of how you make me feel. You make me forget everything. My world become you, and you are my everything. I could get lost in your arms; wrapped around me, they hold me so close, I can feel your heartbeat. When we sleep I feel your strength and breath, I know I am safe. While you are near I can be free of fear. You make me want what I can't have. I want to touch you all over, to cover every inch of you with kisses, and keep you next to me forever. I can't get my fill of you, of your body, your mind, of you. You let me be me, and I could love you for that.

I wrote that as a letter to Paul. I just sort of let my emotions all come out on the paper. I have to admit, I was suprised at how easily it flowed out of me. I didn't have to think very hard about it, and it was easy to write. I suppose thats how love letters go. I don't kow if I'll ever give it to him, but at least I have it written down now in case I ever decide that I need to show him how I feel. I don't know. This is just such a new feeling. I don't know what to do with it, I guess the easy answer would be to tell him, but I don't think I can. I'm too afraid of it myself. Yes, I know that without the leap you'll never know what is at the bottom, but it still frightens me. This feeling that if he left, I might die. No, thats wrong. Its not that strong, but the hurt would be so deep. And this scares me, I can think about an end, not because I want to, but because I won't let myself think to far ahead. I can't just let myself go, I can't let go. I'm holding up a wall around my heart and I can't just open the gates and let it out. I'm disgusted by my world weariness, this jaded, blase feeling of: oh I know how these things go. I hate this hesitation in everything I do. I just want to let go of my restraint and fear and just let myself be. Ok. I'm back to this old mantra again. Go with the flow. I'm going with the flow, but I'm doing it with a look forward to the fork in the river that I like more. The one where we are together. Paul and Ery. Ery and Paul. Go with the flow, but I'm not leaving my paddle on shore.

~*Ery*~

Loooong Survey

1. If you won the lottery, would you consider donating a percentage of the money?:Yes...not sure what that percentage would be, but there would be some donating involved.
2. Would you consider getting Botox injections to your armpits to decrease sweating?: Botox does that? SUre why not sweating is icky.
3. Do you wear a lot of corduroy?: No. Random.
4. Does the weather have a very large impact on your moods?: Maybe...don't really know.
5. If you had a child, do you think your child would have any reason to be ashamed of you?: who says yes, my child would be a ashamed of me, I mean really who says yes?
6. Do you buy eggnog around the holidays?: EEEEEEEEWWWWW!
7. Did you play cowboys and Indians when you were a small child?: nope we played cops and car thief.
8. Do you watch your neighbors from your windows?: Sometimes...when they are outside
9. Do you live within 5 miles of a lake?: Oh yes I do...within 5 minutes of a lake.
10. Do you believe that personality is everything?: No, there is something to be said about looks. I know that sounds shallow but its the truth.

11. When someone says they love you, do you natrually want to say it back, even if you don't mean it?: Yes, but no one has ever said "I love you" to be and it was false for me to say it back.
12. Do you have any real reason to be depressed?: No...I have a good life
13. Do you have more respect for the United Nations or the United States? Erm, UN...no none they don't do anything as far as I'm concerned. US...yes I do, but I'm biased.
14. Is it concieted to consider oneself unique?: No its natural
15. Would it fill your heart with joy to see other people crying for you?: Not if I was dying or something, but I guess I could be filled with joy if they were crying at my wedding or something.
16. Do you think the war in Iraq will end in 2005?: No this is gonna take a while.
17. Do you know anyone who has ever been held hostage?: No...But Paul said he's gonna kidnap me sometime.
18. If your teenage son impregnated a girl, would you force him to do whatever it took to support her?: Hell yes, you take care of what you made. He doesn't have to marry her, but he will be in that child's life as much as I caould force him to be.
19. Are angels creepy?: No, their beautiful.
20. Do you think the New England accent is annoying?: No, but its hard to understand sometimes.

21. Which print do you prefer: leopard or zebra?: Leopard.
22. Would you break up with someone if you thought they were too pompous and arrogant?: Yeah... that's so annoying.
23. If you saw a hurt animal, would you try and help it?: Yeah, I'd at least call a vet or somethingif I couldn't
24. Do you think there will be another terrorist attack now that Bush is re-elected?: How should I know
25. Should a license be required to have children?: No, that is a God-given right, not man-given
26. When on an airplane, do you hope to meet someone interesting sitting near you?: Yeah, but its so hard nowadays to meet strangers.
27. Do you come from a large family?: Nope
28. Would you ever purposely let your country's flag touch the ground?: I do what I can to avoid it.
29. Is it difficult for you to decline a date from someone you are not interested in?: A bit
30. Are people in online relationships just fooling themselves?: Yeah

31. Does it bother you that Rhode Island isn't really an island?: Yeah a bit
32. If Hillary Clinton were to leave her husband, would your opinion on her go up or down?: Not my place to judge.
33. Do you ever run with scissors?: Not unless I forget that I have scissors.
34. Have you done something illegal today?: Ummmm nope, I've been good so far. :)
35. Which is worse: Being labeled, or being a nobody?: Being labeled
36. Do you think someone will ever try to assasinate Michael Moore?: Yeah
37. What song are you listening to at this very second? A song on TV, about the moon.
38. Would you rather have a square or a round pizza?: Round.
39. Are you afraid of being famous for doing something stupid?: Yeah but its not that bad I swear.
40. If the Pope has a liver transplant, is he still infalliable?: Yes...in case it was unclear, the Pope is only infallible in matters of faith, not health.

41. Has the world really changed that much since 9/11?: Its more scared
42. Do you think the diary of Anne Frank is genuine?: Yup
43. If your best friend's partner was bisexual, would you approve?: Her choice not mine.
44. If Satan walked up to you on the street and offered you BBQ Chicken, would you accept his gift?: Erm, do I know he is Satan?
45. Would you say that your country is liked by the rest of the world?: No.
46. Do you feel like the majority of the world is ignorant?: No we all have something to offer.
47. Do you help control anger by writing songs, poems, etc?: No I'm not creative like that.
48. Do you view bandanas as gang symbols?: If they are being worn for that prupose then yes, if I put on a bandana, though, I don't mean it to be a gang symbol.
49. Do you need to "clean up your act"?: Nope.
50. Do you have a celebrity crush?: No not really.

51. Are you a good storyteller?: Yeah, bu tonly if its really a good story.
52. Are your computer speakers usually turned on?: No, because if I don't have music on the computer tends to make a bunch of noise.
53. Do you have a life dream that no one else knows about?: No.
54. Do puppies melt your heart?: Yeah.
55. Do you think that someone who doesn't drink alcohol AT ALL is weird?:No I have quite a few friends who don't drink AT ALL.
56. Are you a racist scumbag?: No
57. If you try to fail, and succeed, which have you done?: nothing
58. Do you think Americans are scared of change?: A bit.
59. Are Vegan diets healthy?: If the person doing the diet is smart about it, then yes.
60. Do you enjoy watching shows that deal with forensics?: Not really, bu thten I don't watch a whole lot of TV.

61. At this rate, are you going to Heaven or Hell?: Heaven... I would hope.
62. Could there be a terrorist attack in your area?: No...I think the campus is pretty safe.
63. Do you worry about food safety?: No.
64. Can bitchy behavior be self-justified?: Yes, I mean there are limits to that though too.
65. Do you have over 100 people on your buddy list?: Yup, 111.
66. Do you relax when you are around animals?: Depends on the animals.
67. Would you like to be able to read thoughts?: No
68. In your opinion, is it wrong to say "Oh my God!"?: Yeah, but it has seeped into my vocab.
69. Do you like your strawberries dipped in chocolate or covered in sugar?: Heehee, both
70. Do you think any hip hop songs have good messages in them?: Yes, we all have adifferent view on life and how it works, that is just one other sperson's view.

71. Do you feel sorry for Martha Stewart?: No.
72. Do certain swear words just roll of your tongue?: Haha hell yeah
73. What hurts more, knife cuts or paper cuts?: Never had a knife cuts so I must say paper
74. When you hug someone, do you wrap your arms around their neck or their waist?: Both, one arm up one down...although, I always hug Paul around the waist because thats easier to reach.
75. Do you use your mind enough?: Gosh no.
76. Would you rather own a parrot or a hen?: A hen!!
77. Do you know anyone who has been diagnosed with Obsessive-Compulsive Disorder?: No.
78. Do you have any idea what you will be doing 10 years from now?: Nope and that scares me.
79. Do you pre-plan your meals?: Well considering that I can't choose what he cafeteria serves...
80. Pet owners: If your pet was a human, would it be gay or straight?: Straight

81. Would you like to be cloned?: No.
82. Do you believe that your name fits your personality?: Yeah
83. Were your parents born in the same decade?: Nope.
84. Do you exercise before you eat in the morning?: No, I tried that and I was HUNGRY!!
85. Were you a pround owner of a snap bracelet?: Nope, don't own oen, therefore not proud.
86. Is it better to be single or in a relationship?: I'm liking the relationship right now.
87. Do you think police officers have the right to use a stun gun on a 13-year old?: Depends.
88. Which is the better way to discipline a child: Depends, each child and situation is different.
89. Would you let your child spend the night at Michael Jackson's house?: No you don't tempt fate, even if he isn't a convicted child molestor you don't set yourself up.
90. Do you often forget what day it is?: Yes.

91. Do your grandparents play bingo a lot?: My grandma used to
92. Do you own a copy of Thriller by Michael Jackson?: I wish.
93. Do you prefer reading or writing?: Reading.
94. Do you prefer hamsters or gerbils?: Gerbils.
95. Do you think animals have a religion?: No.
96. Are you a powerful person?: What does that mean?
97. Do you think marriage would change who you are?: Yes, you have to take some of the other person into yourself, and give them some of you
98. Do you meddle in other peoples’ business?: Yes, and that is not a good thing
99. Do you think the teenagers who take abstinence vows are probably the ones that weren’t going to have sex in the first place?: ? SO if you tak ethe vow then you were never planning on having sex? Isn't that the point of the vow...the vow is just something on paper.
100. Are you ever attracted to your teachers?: No.

101. Do you think your parents have always been faithful to each other?: Yes.
102. Does the word "hello" seem formal to you?: No.
103. Do you think that schools should be allowed to ban un-natural colored hair?: Yes.
104. Is it possible to love someone and hate them at the same time?: Yes.
105. Do your eyes change colors from time to time?: They get lighter and darker.
106. When you sit really still, can you feel your pulse?: Sometimes yes.
107. Does cursive handwriting serve any real purpose nowadays?: Yes, I use it all the time.
108. Have you ever had melted cheese on your fries?: Yes.
109. Have you ever encountered a rude person in a wheelchair?: Ummm I guess at sometimes I may have, there are rude people all over
110. Are you often the last one to understand a joke?: no but it does happen.

111. Has your home been decorated by an interior designer?: No.
112. Do you believe in reincarnation?: SOmetimes, sort of, I don't know.
113. Do you think the government was involved in 9/11?: No.
114. Would you ever kiss someone with no teeth?: EW NO give me teeth!
115. Do you wash your hair every day?: No, it dries it out.
116. If we keep making exceptions for homosexuals, do you think the next generation of homosexuals will be spoiled brats?: No they are n't gettin gthat many exceptions.
117. Can experience be gained just by reading?: No,that why its called experience.
118. Do you have any gay friends?: Yes.
119. Have you ever been to Stonehenge?: No.
120. Do you consider darts to be a sport?: Yeah them things are hard.

121. Your first black eye: Did you give it or get it?: Never had or given.
122. Is it always better to be safe than sorry?: No, sometimes you just gotta do it.
123. Do you look more at someone’s mouth or eyes when they are talking to you?: I look right between their eyes.
124. If you were around second-hand-smoke enough, would you be swayed to smoke yourself?: No
125. Do you think anyone can be an actor?: no.
126. Okay, what song are you listening to now?: Jeff Corwin!!
127. Do you talk just to hear yourself, even when you’re alone?: Yeah, I'll admit it I talk to myself.
128. Do you think you’ll ever visit the Clinton Library?: Well I don't know what that is soooo no
129. Do you emotionally hurt people on purpose?: No, thats mean.
130. Would you date a minister?: Yeah, he's a person too

131. On vacation, do you usually take more pictures of landscapes or buildings?: People.
132. Do you think pit bulls should be illegal to own?: No.
133. Are your parents willing to help you through college?: Yeah, but I 'm paying for everything unless I get too deep in debt.
134. Is it obvious that one of your family members did drugs in the sixties?: OH yeeeah
135. Do you think people worry to much about being open-minded?: A bit, just do it, stop thinking about it.
136. Are you offended when you see a visitor in your country wearing a crest of their flag?: No.
137. Would you rather master one language, or learn two languages and be average in them both?: Two-- average.
138. Do you think that Jesus was just a magician?: No...
139. Should ‘freak dancing’ be banned from school dances?: No but I mean, there is no need to be making babies on the dance floor of your middle school
140. If Fox created a sitcom starring Jennifer Lopez, would you watch it?: If it was good, maybe.

141. Is your monthly cycle so regular that you always know which day you’re going to start?: No, but thats because I've never bothered to keep that much track
142. Girls: Do you care that when you cry, your mascara runs?: Yeah I feel stupid and feminine and messy.
143. Guys: Do you get all soft when you see a girl crying?:
144. Do you think baseball is a dying professional sport in America?: Yes.
145. Should America get rid of the electoral college?: Yeah, it should be popular vote, there are enough opportunities now for politicials to get their message out there.
146. Can Lindsay Lohan really sing?: Yes I think she can.
147. Are you more creative alone, or with others?: With others.
148. Does every family have a crazy uncle, or is it just mine?: Oh everybody has a crazy uncle
149. Do you like green bean casserole?: Yummm yummm yummmm.
150. Have you ever smuggled anything in to America?: Anything illegal? Yes I thin my family snuck in some fruit or Cuban cigars in once

151. Do you like to play dominos?: Not really.
152. Do you end up making a fool of yourself when you try flirting with someone you really like?: Yeah, its sucks.
153. Does playing the guitar make a guy more attractive?: A bit but not enough for that to be the only reaon I'd date him
154. Do brain teasers make you feel dumb?: No .
155. Did you ever have an Easy Bake Oven?: No but I wanted one.
156. Do you enjoy fishing?: No, its boring
157. Do you think the Egyptians could have used wind to build the Pyramids?: No...they did not blow until the sand stacked up.
158. Beef or pork?: Beef I guess.
159. Was this survey random enough for you?: Yeah it was pretty random, but in that "I'm trying too hard" way
160. Is this the longest random survey you’ve ever taken?: I don't know I've taken some long ones

SHITake mushrooms that was ridiculous
~*Ery*`

23rd + 5th = Problem solved

The Rules
1. Go into your archive.
2. Find your 23rd post.
3. Find the fifth sentence (or closest to).
4. Post the text of the sentence in your blog along with these instructions.

"[x] relationship status: single (and not loving it)"

I was doing a survey from my friend Rachel's LJ. I guess I wan't enjoying the singel life so much, huh. Well I've taken care of that little bit of grumpy-ness

~*Ery*~


P.S. I didn't like that one much so I went back from this past one and got this one:

"I wish I could remember it the next time it fits into normal conversation."

I was talking about the word pari passu...I've yet to actually be able to use it.