Jay's Grad Party

So today was Jay's grad party. It was fun. I looked so cute, i was pleased. My hair behaved itself and got so many compliments on it. I felt so loved. Nancy came and picked me up and then we left. It was nice just chatting wih her. She got hit-on on the ride over, though, and it was sooo funny. This guy follws us down the road for a couple miles then all of a sudden he's right next to us at a stop light waiting and talking to us. He hands me a business card and says to give it to my friend. So when I give it to Nancy he asks her name. I couldn't be honest without saying that I was a little jealous, I mean I was there too. But anyway, she finally tells him and he's like, "Hey, my names Mark." (Great, nice to know you) and he's like "Whats wrong?" And Nancy says: "youre a dentist", and he says "well yeah I thought you were cute"....really now? I thought you did this to everyone to drum up some business. In the end he's like "Call me, Nancy" in that cocky ways that cute gys have. When we get to Jay's we tell everyone and it turns out that he played in a 30+ baseball team with Allie's dad...weird.

The party itself was very low key. There weren't very many people and we all just ate and played cards. It was nice. Banas and John came over and talked with us gals for a while which was nice. I mean we aren't really in touch with all Jay's friends so its nice when the few we know make the effort to talk to us. All in all in was a nice get-away from the monotony of being here at home or work.

Afterwards we went to Mongolian BBQ which, I really shouldn't have done. I really didn't need to go eat I wasn't that hungry and I hate when I eat out of boredom. Its not that I worry about my weight, I mean I do, but its more of an: I don't want to get used to eating like that kind of thing. I don't always eat healthy which is the main problem, I guess, but that is another blog so right now I will go back to topic. So we ate and then Jay joined us and we left for some ice cream. Another thing I really didn't need, but whatever its over I guess. And then I had one of the most strange and mildly uncomfortable conversations ever. The gist of it is Jay and Nancy and Allie and Jackie (who knew most of it anyway) now know all (well not all but most) of my mastubation stuff. I feel really odd about the whole thing. I sort of don't like it becaus it was mine, but then again I don't feel so alone any more. Not that I thought I was the onlly one but I guess now its in the open and its not so wrong but then again it is and its dirty and I wish that it could be less of an addiction and common knowledge thing.

I don't know that I necessarily like the person I am sometimes. Sometimes I feel like I am putting up a front of being this sexual and free person but I'm not. I could be but I'm not. And some of it stems from me wanting to be one, I think. I wish sometimes that my morals were not so firmly installed. I want them to leave me alone. I want so much but I can't always have it and that is just the way of the world. There are things that I will never have, and an escape from what I trully believe to be right and true is one of them. I don't think I want to be trully free of them but I wish at times that there wouldn't be such a hurt on how I feel after I have done something I know is wrong or something that isn't but I have given it a bad connotation. I wish I could be more experienced in the world and less fearful of what could happen if I tried something new. And I'm afraid that I will be rejected because of how I feel and think and by how much I want certain things. I want to be held and loved. I believe this to be a basic need for most girls but thats not what really matters.

~Jewel

I wish I could describe how I feel. I feel down. Just melancholy. I know why but I hate admitting it to myself beccause its stupid and ultra-feminine and it gives me this weak feeling that I try so hard to dispel. I want a boy. I want that affection. Its disgusting. Why can't I be happy without one? Was I created this way to always be yearning. I hate it with such a passion that I have trouble expressing it. I feel as if telling makes me weak. It makes me human and down to earth and I don't want that, I mean I want to be earthy and real, but I want to be myself. I want to fly above all of this angst. This pain isn't supposed to be held inside, but I hate confessing (because yes, sometimes it feels like a confession) to it. I want to leave this all behind. I want the fun to come and not leave, because when its fun I don't feel the pain until later. Its easier when there is fun abound, my mind is slower to realize that nothing is happening and nothing is going to come from this. And after? Then what, you ask? Then I come here and sit in the dark and write about it. I spill about how hurtful I feel, me, I sit here in my soft chair and complain. Why? Because I want a boyfriend. It is wrong because why should that be more important than hunger on cold or anything? Why is it an overwhelming force in my life. I want to change from this person, I want to become a butterfly so perfect and ethreal that no one can bear it but can only admire from a far. And then I will come back down and be loved. What an odd, messed up, never true, dream to be living on.

I can't have Jay. I'll never have him. And I want to just show him once how I feel just so I don't have to worry about it anymore. but I can't and I want him to know how I feel, but not feel bad about it, just know that the hurt is there. And when we talk about Jackie and how much he wants her I want him to know that it hurts. Even though I don't say anything even though I encourage him. Because deep down it helps the hurt. Covers it up with scar tissue and makes it a little bit easier to deal with. It sucks and I just think I'll stop wallowing and get on with my life. I've straightened my shoulders and I am going on with my life. From now on I will not wallow in it. He will be just another friend. We are buddies and pals. We will do stuff together but it is platonic.

"Seeing you it kills me now/No I don't cry on the outside/Anymore/...Here I am once again/I'm torn into pieces/Can't deny, can't pretend/Just thought you were the One/Broken up deep inside/But you won't get to see the tears I cry"

~*ERY*~