Lifetime Movies

"Homeless to Harvard; The Liz Murray Story" is quite possibly the first made for TV movie that I've actually enjoyed watching. Alrothough I may just start a little streak and watch the one that comes after it too. Woohoo! Crazy times on the homefront.

Its funny. I don't know where to say I live right now. I mean if someone wants to come to y house I'm all set, I give the address. But if they ask for a mailing address or if I'm from town I don't always know what to say. I haven't been to my permanent address for 8 months, But I can't live in the dorms permanantl,y so I can't change the address. And sinc eI'm in the dorms for one more year and I obviously don't live in the house year round I get all confused. Its kind of strange.

_______________________________

Word of the Day:

grandiloquent \gran-DIL-uh-kwuhnt\, adjective:Lofty in style; pompous; bombastic.

~*Ery*~

Family Couch

Family Couch time. Yup in our house we are a little family and we have couch time together. We also do cookouts. We are really quite quaint. Today our couch time involves rap and indie music with all of us on our computers. Well almost the whole family. Emily is off at work somewhere so we are only three. She's rearely home anyway though so it just sort of work.

"Nothing gold can stay Pony Boy" ~ Jeremy

Punk remakes of songs are fun. I love them muches.

________________________________

Word of the Day:

limn \LIM\, transitive verb:1. To depict by drawing or painting.2. To portray in words; to describe

~*Ery*~

Biting

Well seeing as how I don't really have anything to say. Here is the word of the day.

_______________________________

Word of the Day

mordant \MOR-d'nt\, adjective:Biting; caustic; sarcastic

~*Ery*~

Hugh X 2

Me and Hugh Grant are in the middle of a date. I'm a terrible person. Sitting here typing while while he pours his heart out. Granted he is pouring it out to Annie MacDowell in "Four Weddings and a Funeral"...but thats not the point.

I'm being as pathetic..and unpathetic as possible at the same time. I'm watching sappy movie alone under a fleece blanket. But as a good friend pointed out, I'm not drinking wine coolers or sitting with a box of half used kleenex so I'm not that pathetic.

Thats really about al lI have to say today. Oh and I bought many things I didn't really need today...but I'm very happy about them so its ok. Lets see I got: a pinstripe suit (just need mathing pants for the full three piece effect), 7 pairs of cute underwear (okay Iactually did sort of need these, I believe I only had 14 pairs and some are quite old), a pink nightgown (wanted a nighty for a very long time and I finally found one that fits quite nicely), two pairs of cute sweats (I wanted some of these too), a set of shampoo and conditioner by path and body works (well there was no sense in just getting the one ... ), and a blush and lipstick that were extremely expensive ( I can't really rationalize these, they jus tmade me feel pretty).

I needed some mall time and I had the cash. So I spent the money even though I should have saved the $100. Its ok though, I'm happy.

____________________________________

Word of the Day:

cursory \KUR-suh-ree\, adjective: Hastily or superficially performed

~*Ery*~

Doodle-dee-dum

Sitting around again at the office. I did some filing. THat lasted me oh about 5 minutes. SO now the only thing I have left to do is shred some paper. But I'm saving that excitement for this afternoon. Crazy I know.

I've thought some more about giving Paul the address to this. And what I've ended up doing is reading all my archives to see how I would feel knowing that he had access to all of them And So far I still don't know. It makes me uncomforatable I guess because I talk so much about other guys that I crushed on or whatever when I was younger. I mean when I was writing the blog at that time I was obsessed over my love life and how crappy it was. But now I look back at the guys I was pining over and I wish I could make that history go a way. Because it was silly. SO much time and energy was put into working to make stuff work. Stuff that was never meant to work. Now I feel silly. And juvenile. What I most worry about are the entries leading up to when I met him. Because right up to before I met him I was being sad about another guy. And I met Paul and everything went away. I just hope that when I give the address to him (which I know I will eventually) he understands that. I won't worry too much though. Because as of old. I'm going to go with the flow.

Woohoo! I know. Its the return of the Word of the Day!! How exciting is that?! Not really I know. But at least everyone will be smarter by the end of this. :)

__________________________________________

Word of the Day:

exculpate \EK-skuhl-payt; ek-SKUHL-payt\, transitive verb: To clear from alleged fault or guilt; to prove to be guiltless; to relieve of blame; to acquit.

~*Ery*~

Good Grief

Yup Its been a wohpping ten minutes and I'm back. I really have nothing to do. I've been reading some other people's blogs lately and I like the style they use. Like they are actually writing to other people. Or telling a tory. I think I could do that. I'm going to try. Its hard to be honest that way though. I'll try.

What was I going to say. I had a like three things I could talk about and now all three have gone straight out of my head.

Love letters: Rememvber how I said I was going to start writing love letters to Paul? But then I got scared? Well I've finally gotten over it and i've written him two! Actually I should write him one this weekend. Or rather today or tomorrow so he'll get it when he gets home from his trip. He loves the letters too. He hasn't written me back yet. WHich is fine. SInce I told him it was up to him. But I would really like it if he did. He said he loves getting them written by me and just alking to him. It is nice. Because I try to keep some of the little day to day things out of the letters. SInce they'd become dated if I talked about them at night on the phone too. But I fill them with all teh love i feel and find it hard to make into words sometimes. Its nice.

Roommate: I want to know who my new roomie is going to be in the Fall!! Its driving me up the wall. I hope she's nice and cool and we get a long and grrrr. It just sucks waiting. Last night Paul said he hopes I get a transexual. I don't want a transexual! Not that ther eis anything wrong with doing it. But I don't want to see you stuffing or whatever when you get up in the morning. Thats just not what I dream of at night. Eww. I feel like a terrible close-minded person saying that but thats how I feel.

Blah.. My office is boring. I'm all alone. ANd now I have to have the door closed to keep the air conditioner on. Because if I don't it over works and freaks out and dies.

I love fate. I've been thinking of Paul and this song that makes me think of him that he sent to me. And I just switched Launchcast radio stations and the first song they played was the one I was thinking of. ITs "My Everything" by Keith Urban. Its just an absolutely beautiful song. It makes me thinkiof getting married.

*Gasp* I haven't said anything about that. I'm not getting married sorry that came out funny. But Ok Paul and I had this huge...thing...last Saturday. I don't want to call it a fight but it kind of was but there wasn't so much fighting as me finallly telling him all of my feelings, confusing him, then bringing him back up to speed. All done while sobbing. Yeah. It was a mess. Thats what's been happening lately when I get drunk. It just sort of happens. I've been hoding a lot in lately and I really believe that I just needed to get it all out.

I started crying Saturday initially because I felt like I didn't have any friends (Quite silly since there were 4 people hanging out at my house but I was drunk). When he asked why I launched into a poor me routine because I felt very hyocritic after the fight we had had a few nights before. Some how I convinced myself that that made me a terrible person. And when I thought of myself as a terrible person it made me think of all the stuff Paul and I did together. Now I have to venture into some touchy stuff so I'm sorry but I'm just writing here.

PAul and I haven't had sex yet. And we don't plan to until we're married. Its just a belief we both have. I haowever was raised a Catholic. and to a Catholic you aren't supposed to do ANYTHING before you're married. And we have clearly violated that rule. We share a bed and we kiss and go just far enough for everyone to have a good time but, to be blunt, refrain from any penetrating. And I have had major issues with this. Mostly because in my head (where I was taught things) I'm being a bad girl and I'm going to Hell and it doesn't matter what love there is or anything, I'm just condemned. In my heart of hearts I know this isn't true. I know that God is Love and that Paul and I love each other and do everything we do together out of a sense of love for each other. I also know that in my heart of hearts the fact that we are saving ourselves matters a lot. Adn i count myself as a pure person. But the ideas clash. My head and heart don't agree and that results in me crying and drunk convfessing all of this because its gotten so twisted inside of me that I've half convinced myself tha tI am a bad person. That these ideas are hypocritical and that I'm living a lie.

So I tell Paul this and he first got really upset which played into teh Im an awful person and he's mad and is going to leave fear which was started after we fought on Wed. But it turns out he thought I was blaming him for taking things to far. Which I knew wasn't his fault. It was mine and I told him (honestly) that I don't want to stop what we do I just need confirmation that its the right thing to be doing. And he told me that he loved me more than anything and then echoed what I said a few entries ago. THat he wasnts to spend his life with me adn that he wants to marry me and have children with me. He told me that even if he got angry with me he wouldn't leave. And I needed that more than I realized. I don't know where I became so untrusting in my life. Its changing though. I know that we'll stay together. I know there will be hard times. But I have faith in us. And even though I get scared sometimes I still think that it will all be ok.

Just now though I had a thought. I wonder if it would be ok if I gave him this blog address and let him read it. Its such an open place for me. WHat if he was ever offeneded by thoughts I had one day. Or by things I wrote last year when I was seeing other guys. Would I hurt him?? I want to give it to him because its one of the most trusting things I could do. But (grrr trust issues) will I have to guard my words? I can't think that he would ever want me to do that. In fact I know he wouldn't. I guess I 'll just think it through a little first.

Wow I've been writing a while. This is really long. Have fun reading it.

~*Ery*~

P.S. In reading over my other posts I found this one. THis is really how long all those bad questioning feelings have been building up inside me. November. I don't know if that will do anything for anyone out there...but picture that amount of questions and concerns being smashed down for months and then how the final outburst would look. Yeah.

Sandwich woes

Nothin' to dooooo. Sitting round the office just thinking my own bored thoughts. Man, I want a sandwich. Not just any sandwich though. I want my sandwich. The turkey one sitting in my bag one door away. But I can't eat that until 3:30 when I go to switch jobs. Because if I eat it now I will be hungry later and be tempeted to steal food. Bad no steal food! Grrr.

Its calling me.

Sandwich: Eat me!

Me: NO I have to wait.

S: But I'm full of turkey deliciousness and you would looooove me.

M: I have self-control!! I will not eat you!

S: Come on. Just come here ... yes thats right ... good job now open the little plastc baggie. Hi, there. See I'm going to tatste so go--

M: Hahahaha I win! Now you can say anything because I ATE YOU!!!! Oh.

Darn it. I so did not intend to do that. It was a good sandwich though.

~*Ery*~

Lack of Sensitivity

To see you when I wake up
is a gift I didn't think could be real.
To know that you feel the same
as I do is a three-fold, utopian dream.

You do something to me
that I can't explain.
So would I be out of line if I said,
I miss you?

I see your picture, I smell your skin
on the empty pillow next to mine.
You have only been gone ten days,
but already I'm wasting away.

I know I'll see you again
whether far or soon.
But I need you to know that I care
and I miss you.

~ "I Miss You" ~ Incubus

Yum chicken broth. It soothes my aching cramping uterus. Sorry folks just saying. Actually it doesn't soother the actual pain. I just like how it tastses. Its comfort food. The advil I just took should help though.

I miss my Paul. I aways miss him at the "Time of the Month". I just want him to snuggle me and make me feel like my body isn't slowly heaving its insides out. Yeah I already apologized. Sorry for the lack of sensitivity. I want him to rub my back and just spoon with me. I like spooning. But for some mundane reason he is out jogginng in the middle of nowhere at 10:45 in the pm. Well the middle of nowhere part isn't mundane since he lives there but who does that?? My boyfriend apparently. I love his crazy self anyway.

~*Ery*~

Black Happenings

Might as well dive right in. I'm feeling too lazy to bother much with an introduction to the stories.

First "black happening" was that Paul and I had a fight last night. Really our first actual fight ( I know it took long enough, right). It was awful. It had to do with his not being comfortable with saying things sometimes because I asked him to not say anything more about Timnah (neither would I) and that lead to "why I was always defending them [Timnah and Cortney], in spite of the mean behavior that they had displayed towards me. Turns out I was being a hypocrite and I hadn't even realized it. See, I decided that I didn't want to talk bad about TImnah (mostly because we were doing it allll the time) because I felt bad and like I was being a bad person. Cortney just comes in because I do defend her often (urgh ok...not so happy about this one because I didn't say anything directly to him about being mena to her. He just always prtrays her as the girl wasted off two sips and then strips for attention. Which she really isn't and I don't think its a fair label, expecially to people who don't know her. Amongst friends sure...to an extent, but to people she doesn't know I feel obligated to stick up for her at least a little so she doesn't come off as a complete whore.). Well while I'm trying to "stop talking behind people's backs and be a better person" I'm busy calling Krysta a bitch and etc etc. to Paul. Thus not only confusing him but making me look like the bitch.
So we discussed it and decided that there would be no boundaries on what could be said (as it should be, censorship is bad). But if the other person feels differently they have to speak up right then and say something like " I don't agree with you because etc etc. but thats your opinion and I don't think less of you because of it." I feel awful really because its my fault and I'm the one who hates conflict and can't just talk to people in their faces properly and resolve issues. Becasue Timnah still thinks we're buds an dI reallhy should change that but I'm scared and I figure if I ignore her she'll go away and if we don't talk about her its like she never existed. THat will never happen...that was the first "black happening" simply because it was a dark moment.

Second "black happening" is I bought a garter belt and line-up-the-back thigh high's today. (they're black...get it?) I'm soooo excited. I think that together they are one of the sexiest combinations out there and I'm just muchos excited for Pual to see them. Unfortunately for the both of us that won't be until at least fall since Stockings = hot and Summer= too hot for other hot things. oh well I'm still excited.

Ummm I think thats it really. I'm going to a work party tomorrow...its a fundraiser and I don't have much extra cash but I'll spare $5 I think. I'm just in a really good mood today. Weeee!

Lots of love,
~*Ery*~

P.s. I thought black would be an appropriate color for the entry n'est ce pas?

19%

19% is the amount of battery I have left on my computer. Its 1:45 in the morning and I have to go to work at 9:30 later today. I don't want to go to bed. I've been wasting time for ooooh two hours or so now. I had a marvelous break over the 4th holiday...and now its back to the grindstone, at least for the next two days. Then its back to Paul's camp for a few days. I love it there. Soooo much fun. His cousin Jeni told me (out of the blue) that they all enjoyed having me there. It was such a relief after the awful dream I had about his family hating me.

Paul and I saw some really awesome rocks today. Sandstome and stuff all layered on top of each other next to the water and cool spires and stuff. It was so cool. I can't explain. Then we ate dinner and paid in quarters and dimes. Haha. Sorry folks, thats all we had! :) I love spending time with him. I really shoulbd go to be soon here. Hmm How Far.

~*Ery*~