Good Grief

Yup Its been a wohpping ten minutes and I'm back. I really have nothing to do. I've been reading some other people's blogs lately and I like the style they use. Like they are actually writing to other people. Or telling a tory. I think I could do that. I'm going to try. Its hard to be honest that way though. I'll try.

What was I going to say. I had a like three things I could talk about and now all three have gone straight out of my head.

Love letters: Rememvber how I said I was going to start writing love letters to Paul? But then I got scared? Well I've finally gotten over it and i've written him two! Actually I should write him one this weekend. Or rather today or tomorrow so he'll get it when he gets home from his trip. He loves the letters too. He hasn't written me back yet. WHich is fine. SInce I told him it was up to him. But I would really like it if he did. He said he loves getting them written by me and just alking to him. It is nice. Because I try to keep some of the little day to day things out of the letters. SInce they'd become dated if I talked about them at night on the phone too. But I fill them with all teh love i feel and find it hard to make into words sometimes. Its nice.

Roommate: I want to know who my new roomie is going to be in the Fall!! Its driving me up the wall. I hope she's nice and cool and we get a long and grrrr. It just sucks waiting. Last night Paul said he hopes I get a transexual. I don't want a transexual! Not that ther eis anything wrong with doing it. But I don't want to see you stuffing or whatever when you get up in the morning. Thats just not what I dream of at night. Eww. I feel like a terrible close-minded person saying that but thats how I feel.

Blah.. My office is boring. I'm all alone. ANd now I have to have the door closed to keep the air conditioner on. Because if I don't it over works and freaks out and dies.

I love fate. I've been thinking of Paul and this song that makes me think of him that he sent to me. And I just switched Launchcast radio stations and the first song they played was the one I was thinking of. ITs "My Everything" by Keith Urban. Its just an absolutely beautiful song. It makes me thinkiof getting married.

*Gasp* I haven't said anything about that. I'm not getting married sorry that came out funny. But Ok Paul and I had this huge...thing...last Saturday. I don't want to call it a fight but it kind of was but there wasn't so much fighting as me finallly telling him all of my feelings, confusing him, then bringing him back up to speed. All done while sobbing. Yeah. It was a mess. Thats what's been happening lately when I get drunk. It just sort of happens. I've been hoding a lot in lately and I really believe that I just needed to get it all out.

I started crying Saturday initially because I felt like I didn't have any friends (Quite silly since there were 4 people hanging out at my house but I was drunk). When he asked why I launched into a poor me routine because I felt very hyocritic after the fight we had had a few nights before. Some how I convinced myself that that made me a terrible person. And when I thought of myself as a terrible person it made me think of all the stuff Paul and I did together. Now I have to venture into some touchy stuff so I'm sorry but I'm just writing here.

PAul and I haven't had sex yet. And we don't plan to until we're married. Its just a belief we both have. I haowever was raised a Catholic. and to a Catholic you aren't supposed to do ANYTHING before you're married. And we have clearly violated that rule. We share a bed and we kiss and go just far enough for everyone to have a good time but, to be blunt, refrain from any penetrating. And I have had major issues with this. Mostly because in my head (where I was taught things) I'm being a bad girl and I'm going to Hell and it doesn't matter what love there is or anything, I'm just condemned. In my heart of hearts I know this isn't true. I know that God is Love and that Paul and I love each other and do everything we do together out of a sense of love for each other. I also know that in my heart of hearts the fact that we are saving ourselves matters a lot. Adn i count myself as a pure person. But the ideas clash. My head and heart don't agree and that results in me crying and drunk convfessing all of this because its gotten so twisted inside of me that I've half convinced myself tha tI am a bad person. That these ideas are hypocritical and that I'm living a lie.

So I tell Paul this and he first got really upset which played into teh Im an awful person and he's mad and is going to leave fear which was started after we fought on Wed. But it turns out he thought I was blaming him for taking things to far. Which I knew wasn't his fault. It was mine and I told him (honestly) that I don't want to stop what we do I just need confirmation that its the right thing to be doing. And he told me that he loved me more than anything and then echoed what I said a few entries ago. THat he wasnts to spend his life with me adn that he wants to marry me and have children with me. He told me that even if he got angry with me he wouldn't leave. And I needed that more than I realized. I don't know where I became so untrusting in my life. Its changing though. I know that we'll stay together. I know there will be hard times. But I have faith in us. And even though I get scared sometimes I still think that it will all be ok.

Just now though I had a thought. I wonder if it would be ok if I gave him this blog address and let him read it. Its such an open place for me. WHat if he was ever offeneded by thoughts I had one day. Or by things I wrote last year when I was seeing other guys. Would I hurt him?? I want to give it to him because its one of the most trusting things I could do. But (grrr trust issues) will I have to guard my words? I can't think that he would ever want me to do that. In fact I know he wouldn't. I guess I 'll just think it through a little first.

Wow I've been writing a while. This is really long. Have fun reading it.

~*Ery*~

P.S. In reading over my other posts I found this one. THis is really how long all those bad questioning feelings have been building up inside me. November. I don't know if that will do anything for anyone out there...but picture that amount of questions and concerns being smashed down for months and then how the final outburst would look. Yeah.