A While in Coming

Well it taken me some time to get going again, but I figured since I have nothing better to do I might as well do some blogging. Hmm life is pretty uneventful right now. I got a call on Friday about a job at a bank opening which would be great. THe only problem is that I'm not sure where the bank is located exactly and if I can't walk/rollerblade there with relative ease and safety I'll have to turn it down, and I really don't want to have to do that. It would ba great opportunity...but we shall see.

Hmm haven't started those love letters yet. I don't know what it is, but I feel like I'd be doing it more for what I would get back from him than actually to write him a letter. Plus its so hard. We've been seeing each other every weekend and talk every night on the phone. I just don't know what I would say. It doesn't help that he saw the address on my computer and I had to tell him. So now I haaave to do it, rather than being myt usual wavering self and not actually doing it until I really felt like it. I don't know.

I had a really sad moment the other day at Pau's house even though I ddin't say anything I was really hurt. I had made him a CD at Valentine's day of songs that made me think of him and our relationshiop. ANd granted it was sappy and eveything but whatever, I made it and I figured it would end up in his CD case eventually with the rest of his CDs. But SUnday we were hugging in his bedroom and I looked down for a second and there at the side of his bed barely peeking out from the pile of crap that accumulates on most people's bedroom floors was the CD I made him. Laying in its case waiting to be stepped on. I felt like the gift had just been tossed there with no regards to what it meant and the thought behind it. I didn't say anything because reallyu, its quite silly to get all worked up over a CD and I didn't feel like being that nagging girlfriend who's like, "You don't love me you put the gift I made on the floor, what are you saying about us, etc etc." But thats kind of how I feel. And even writing this I feel like I should say something...but I have such an aversion to conflict that I don't want to start anything silly like this that could just be an oversight in his rush to move out of the dorms or something. Boo hiss. I just don't want it to fester and weaken my thoughts towards him.

I just don't know sometimes. Like most of the time we're together...like 99.8% of the time. I feel like I want to spend my whole life with him and make babies with him and all that jazz. But that last .2% just keeps throwing my mind for a loop. Its like I see all the god and all teh chemistry and the love and the similarities...and then I go...what if? Its infuriating, becuse immediatly I go what are you thinking, everything is fine and you are wondering what if I dated more before I settled down? I mean, I don't want that at all! I've read the books, seen the TV shows, watched friends live it. Dating around is not the most enjoyable thing. But my mind has glamorized it for some reason and I just can't shake it loose. It makes me think of this Reba McIntyre song I know "Is there life out there/somewhere she hasn't gone/Is there life beyond/ her family and her home/ she done what she should/should she do what she can/ she doesn't want to leave/ she's just wondering if there's life out there/. I feel liike that girl. Almost like I want to go back in time and split in two and casually date...but have teh other me in a relationship with Paul. IS that so wrong? TO wonder what other events could have occured. But then, thats not life. THats not living life either. Always wondering what if. I know what I have is great, and I couldn't find anything better and I don't want to leave what I have. I'm just wondering.

~*ERY*~

P.S. Yes, I said I want to make babies with Paul. I want to have lots and lots of babies. Mmmm I love babies and children.