Questions

Help.

I'm drowning. I don't know what to do, say, feel, express. I'm lost. I don't know what I'm doing. I can't find my way all alone. I'm not ready for this. Its too big. I'm retreating and I don't know why. I need to talk but I don't know how to say it. I need to tell him to slow down, but I can't seem to get off the train. Its barreling down on me so fast and I love him, but I'm running from his love at the same time. I don't know how to hold it inside me. I haven't given him a part of myself yet. I can feel it. There is too much inside me. Like there are one too many pieces. I want to give him that piece, I just don't know how. How do I trust in the unknown future? I don't know what to do. I want to tell him this, but I can't seem to find the words. Its all so physical, where do my words go? He is the one person that I should be able to talk to about anything, and yet I can't. That most secret part of me is only left open, here, on this blank page where no one judges. What if he judges? He won't, not to my face. I can't make myself believe that he won't do it inside, deep down where no one sees but him. Where did this mistrust come from? I hate it. Who left me and has since scarred me so deep that I can't even find the source of the distrust? Who judged me so long ago and so hurtfully that I can't get around their words?

Help.

How do I say slow down? How do I say I want you, but I can't? How do I explain that my mind, body, and heart are on different sides?

Help.

My mind and body are saying go on, its okay, you want this. My heart is saying wait wait wait...you want to wait...the time isn't right yet. Which side do I listen to? Society says to listen to my mind and body. My upbringing and faith say heart. Where is the line? Have I crossed it? Can I go back? Can I just spit it out like that?

Help.

Its not supposed to be easy. Is it supposed to be this hard? I don't know what to do. I don't know if what I'm feeling is normal. I just don't know. I just know that its dark, and I don't like how I feel right now. I don't like this unsure feeling. Isn't hte one thing you are sure of supposed to be your love?

Help.

~*Ery*~