Chocolate Beans

So yeah...thats my, ummm, self portrait courtesy of the paint application on the computer. I like it. It doesn't reveal too much...but it does make my shoulders look alarmingly sticky-outy. Oh well. Beggars can't be choosers. So my word of the day was circumlocution which means the use of many words when one would suffice...which is mildly ironic since its definition is very wordy.

****** DISCLAIMER ******

The next two sections of this describe my date with Brendan in its entirity. The second section is mildly graphic and describes our "make-out" session. It is highly personal and I ask that anyone who happens to read it does not feel offended (it wasn't written for you, it was written for me, so bug off) and refrains from passing harsh judgement in the way of comments or opinions of me. You are welcome to read it, just keep this in mind: I'm only 18...I'm still finding my limits.

Umm so I went on my first 2nd date yesterday. We had sushi for dinner, of which I still have to say that I am a huge fan. I mean, its sorta good, but I just don't think I could grow to love it like Brendan does. It may have something to do with the fact that the rolls are gigantic and my mouth is not, thus making it rather difficult to chew and fully enjoy the stupid gargantuan things, but whatever, I tried it and thats all that really matters. After dinner we went back to his house and watched Shaun of the Dead. And that says nothing about how I felt, does it? Well ok, first off I was glad that we just went back to his house to chill out because personally that is a favorite activity of mine (chilling...not hanging out at Brendan's house...although that could become afavorite activity...) and I'm pretty good at it. Secondly this was a strange movie. I'm sorry I picked it because I was definitly a bit weirded out by the whole strange concept of killing off the zombies and then keeping them as pets. Thirdly we watched the movie on Brendan's bed. This was, umm how shall I say, probably not the best idea in the world. Nothing happened while we were watching the movie besides a nice cuddle (Okay I loved the cuddling and I won't deny that) but after the movie things got a bit sketchy. Because after the movie Brendan and I had a wee little make-out session...on his bed...again, not a wise idea. Things went further than they should have, not too far, though, because I managed to keep some sense of myself, but still farther than I should have let them go. That is vague and I'm sorry but I'll try to explain its just hard putting it down because then I have to see it in writing. But that is good because maybe next time I won't have so much trouble saying:"That's a line please don't cross it."

Okay. It went something like this. Laying on bed. Kissing on bed. Brendan rolling me over to: me on bottom, him on top, (Ok that is a very close position to actual sex so I believe this is the point at which I began to have issues. I was enjoying myself very much (I won't lie) but I began to have doubts in my head about whether this is where I wanted to be at this point) kissing on bed. Him asking about my sexual experience (making out and thats it) and I asked about his (A: "I've had lots of sex"...umm not sure I'm comfortable with that...should have told him straight out, right then, that I intend to be a virgin when I get married...didn't because I'm a coward). More kissing along the same lines of before but now with Brendan making forays (I like that word!) further down my neck and onto my chest/breast area (Ok right here was a "too early in the relationship" line that I neglected to put up. I told him when he aked, if that was crossing a line: "that you should stop because I think we passed the line and need to come back away from it." And that is wheer I'm having most of my problems today. I want to take that action back. I want to erase the too-far-down-my-shirt-moment but I can't and its plaguing me a bit.). Okay back to the kissing thing (there was some rolling around involved here...which was very, umm envigorating...and umm yeah, he was very concious of how I was doing and kept stopping ot make sure I was okay with everything that was occuring, which was nice because he knew there were lines and didn't want to press his luck. A very wise thing. A very kind gentlmanly thing.) At some point I realized that I had better pull my skirt back down a bit since it was riding up and that seemed to spark some interest in him. Because he realized that yes, I was wearing a short skirt, which put certain things within easy access and decided to try his luck there. Well actually first I made him go look at the time because it was 11:00 pm when we started and I have to be home around 12-ish ( I have a loose curfew...I'm good because if I abuse it I get a stricter one). So he had to leave the bed which left me there...all laid out and feeling mildly dirty but having fun because I hadn't done anything bad, really (heehee, I felt all skankish and"unclean" but it was ok becaus eI was fully clothed and had only been kissing...it was an interesting feeling, one I don't thinkI want again but was sorta fun while it lasted). When he came back he kissed my stomach...ummm yeah that was lower than I had expected and I had to give him the "No below the skirt line." Which he didn't like and asked if he could touch my legs. I hadn't thought about this but I figured legs were safe enough ( I'm really mostly concerned with the...pelvic area)...until legs bcame bum and then I had an issue which we solved by reinstating the "No below the skirt line". So, with that line reinstated the kissing continued. (Note to be made...Brendan wrestled in high school, he has a smidge advantage over me in the, ahem, body positioning business). With that note I add that with this latest roll of me to my back A leg (his) had mad an appearance between my legs. This knee began an excursion into my crotch (and I hate that terminology but its the best I can come up with right now and its a knee so it can't get into smaller more accurately named places). Umm that felt good. And he knew it. And I felt mildly pissed because he used his advantage of body positioning against me to achieve,what I don't know...me in a more worked up state thus allowing him mor access? I don't know. I just know that after that I was definitly on a " I need out of this bed stat" tangent in my head. Thankfully by this time it was 11:40 which meant that the 40 minute drive home needed to get started so I made him get up...literally had to force that one. And he took me home. Two kisses in the car in the driveway and a hug and cheek kiss at the door (because he walked me to it which was sweet). He said he'd call and that was that. No actually that wasn't that. I went to bed and could not sleep. Why? Because I was so freaking wound up. I had not calmed down much on the car ride over and the kisses in the car just revved me all up again. So I spent a restless night reliving the last hour of Aug. 1 2005 and now I'm at work, distracted out of my mind by lingering thoughts about the last hour of Aug. 1 2005.

But I have a solution for the next time we see each other... first off we are going to have a talk. A talk about my values and the lines I've drawn. I'm going to tell him right off that I intend to leave my pelvic area untouched until I'm married (I.E. virginal) and that until I feel more comfortable with it there will be no kissing of the chest/breasts that involves any shirt movement. He will except those rules or take me home and that is that. I will not be teased into doing more than I wish to and any coercion will be seen as disrespecting my values and needs. I don't care how natural it is to "get worked up" and want to do more. The body is weak, thus the mind must be strong. I may have to read this over before we go out next time...just as a reminder to myself.

All in all though, I had a very good time. I dont' feel the deep seated regret that I did when I made out with Romney (thank God) and I don't thinkI will as long as I hold tight to what I believe, deep down, that there are some things worth waiting for, and sex is one of them.

~*Ery*~

P.S. I also think that I should feel comfortable telling my best friends whatI've done...as it is I have to leave somethings out because they make me feel shame. That is not right and that alone should be a way to judge my actions in the future.

P.P.S. The title is really random and umm had nothing to do with anything. Fun, though, I love chocolate...and beans so I guess it is a good thing...maybe.