Love Counts

I figured out why I was so mixed up about the whole ... I can't start like this because I wasn't completly honest with myself or my blog. *Sigh* That's a sign, I guess, if I don't want to write it down then I definitly shouldn't be doing it. Ok. So at Mark's that night we had a "dance party". Well Jen (who I think planned this a little bit) and Meghan decided/asked if Mark would teach them how to give a lap dance. So we had lessons. And I was pronounced very good and a natural. A strange talent and compliment but I was a bit (ok, I lie, I was/am really) happy that I'm better than the two girls w/steady boyfriend's. And yeah we used Mark as our test subject and that was that. But I felt bad about it afterwards. And that was part of the bittersweet feeling of yesterday. But then I got myself furhter into trouble. I told Nancy, she found it amusing. But then I told Jay. And we had a strange conversation. Which ended in us deciding to give each other lap dances and going skinny dipping today when we go out for dinner. And now I'm in deep. Because I don't want to. Which is fine and Jay will totally understand (well not understand but he won't force it), I don't think he expected me to be so ok with it last night. But the thing is I couldn't figure out why I was so upset with the whole concept. I mean, I've been taught my whole life, throuogh my chrurch, that sex is saved for marriage. But I have no qualms about nudity (ok I have a few but underwater I'm ok) and the whole dancing thing can fall into the, "its okay as long as I'm in control of how far things go" box, but then I realized that it wasn't even the dancing and the nakedness that was getting to me. It was who I was doing it with. Not that I'm uncomfortable with Jay, in fact I'm clearly comfortable enough to discuss all of this with him, but the problem with doing this with him is that there is a lack of love. Not even a serious "I'm in love with you" type of love. More like there is nothing there besides a friendly affection for one another, like that of a brother and sister. Because I've come to the conclusion over the past 12 or so hours that each person that I've ever gone out with/made out with I have been a little bit in ove with. Just enough to the point that I have butterflies in my stomach. Some call that infatuation, and it is, and I guess thats what I'm getting at. THere is no infatuation between Jay and I. Had it been Brendan and he was like "hey lets give each other lap dances." I would have been a bit taken aback but I would have been a lot more okay with the whole thing. Less regrets and worries about how I would feel afterwards. WHich I guess is a good thing. I mean that I can recognize that I'm uncomfortable with something and then I dentify why. Always a good thing.

I called Jay, we had to confirm times anyway. And he (graciously I could have hugged him) asked if we were still going to "go down to the boat and do what we had planned" (thats what he said and I'm so glad tahts how he put it. And I was able to say no. I told him I'd explain later but he said I didn't have to, it was my decision. I will explain eventually, perhaps even copy some of this to him, but right now out loud, its hard for me to be open. I just know, deep down, that I'm doing the right thing by turning down this offer. Both for myself and for the friendship. Because no matter what he says, this would change the friendship. It would make it awkward, because it would always be this thing, hanging in our memories of that one time when...

SO I'm listing some clues that I should have recognized right away as reasons why I shouldn't do this:
1. From the get go I was unsure. I was hesitant and had to talk myself into saying ok.
2. We couldn't tell anyone. Because we knew that if they knew it would change their opnions of us. Ummm yeah, when you can't tell even your best firends, then something is wrong.
3. It was planned. These are not things you plan, they are spontaneous and fun. Not serious and ok-now-we're-gonna-do-this-then-this-then-this.
4. Related to 3 sort of. These are things you do when in a relationship with someone and its suprising and fun.
5. I both wanted to impress Jay but not at the same time. If I didn't then I'd be open to critque and judgement. But if I did then I'm subject to questions and assumptions about hw I really am inside. Its a comfusing cluse but its there.

Yeah so the moral of the story is: Love Counts. And be true to how you feel. THis was a test, and I believe I passed...but just barely.

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Word of the Day: schadenfreude \SHOD-n-froy-duh\, noun: A malicious satisfaction obtained from the misfortunes of others

Umm this word freaking rocks. I think its German, no?

Yeah so I leave in 2 days. Eeeee! I don't know if I'm more or excited or nervous! And, are towels suppossed to shed like crazy the first time you wash them? Because I just washed all my towels for the first time (so they'll be clean of the manufacturing funk prior to use) and there was a whole bunch of fuzz left over from th espin cycle and whe we dried them the fuzz catcher was all coated with it. I'm curious if thats normal or if I bought faulty towels.

~*Ery*~

P.S. I feel sooooooooooooo muchbetter getting that all off my chest. *Happy sigh*