blah day

O the subject of this blah day I believe that Mon. is actually gah but i'll have to check...Anyway. I hate thinking. I'm so sick of over analyzing things. What I need is to stop thinking about him ( for now on he will be known as M. for clarities sake as well as confidentiality). Things will work themselves out in the end. Although I'm not sure how...why hasn't M. called or emailed? Why can't I stop thinking about it? M. makes me so happy.... maybe I should just leave the whole thing behind me. However I can't. Its to big in my life right now for me to see around it, to dense for me to see through it, and just to multi-personal for me to handle on my own. I know my friends are sick of it...i'm sorry... I hope you understand...let me be selfish for a while...I want some positive attention. DOes that make me attentiong starved? Am I a bad person for it? I like to believe not but what is ther to say otherwise. So many lies can be told on so many levels. I can't see through them to what really matters. I don't know. Trust is huge. I need to increase my trust in others, especially those who are close to me...no thats not right because I could trust them with my life, but not with my feelings...does that make sense? I think what I'm trying to say is I'm not sure WHAT I feel thus I am unable to share it. But yeah. Today was blah. Although it ahad its high points:

"We had to gouge your feelings." "No. No I mean gage...gage your feelings!"
" Look at my black spandex capris! THey're like whales...eeekeeek!"
" I feel the same way about__M.__as I do my cool new spandex capris...."
Along with the fact that J. knows that the boy JA. likes her. (Its amazing how alike their names are).
What a day filled with double entendra and plots and comedy...sounds lke a Shakespearean play... hopefully its acomedy...they worl out in the end---how?---I don't know its a mystery.

I don't know anymore

I don't know where to start. I already knew this. My heart feels tight and constricted. I feel like I can't breathe. Someones friend doesn't say that and not mean it. Watch out, he said. Be careful, he said. I've already put myself out on the line, how do I pull back from it? How do I confront him? I can't think. This is driving me nuts. My head hurts. I want to cry but I can't. I don't know what to do. I'm so lost. I feel like nothing is working. What is wrong with me? I feel like the world has ended and nothing has even happened yet. Its as if I have seen the future and its nothing good. THe world is on my shoulders, I'm no Atlas.

Faith

I am constantly amazed at the faith of hte people in my life. So many attend a church and their faces when they look up at teh altar amaze me. Such hope and belief and an undefinable reverence in each one. It makes me believe, in something, a higher power, a superior being. How cold there not be one when so many believe in one? I am amazed.

Opening

So i'm sitting here confused about my love life...love life...ha, that non-existent thing I keep building up in my head. Why do I do that to myself? I keep building this false hope on menial little things that don't matter. Why did I let that boy come into my heart? He hasn't even done anything to me and I feel broken, broken into little pieces that HE won't pick up for me. I'm angry and sad at the same time, I can't listen to love songs, I want to cry and scream at the same time, I want to lean into his arms and weep then hit him on the head. Why didn't he come? I feel jilted and I've only known him for 3 weeks! This isn't fair. Where are his feelings? How come I'm here in pain? Why won't he call back. I'm lonely but I'm too young to be lonely.
I feel unloved sometimes. My self-esteem has holes in it. I'm so sick of acting all the time. I'm not a strong person. I cry when I'm yelled at. I'm tired of being depended on for everything. When did I become perfect? I'm not God. I can't be everywhere nor do everything. I wish I could. I want to be SuperWoman. I want the world. I want to feel fulfilled with everything. Good grief I want a lot. What have I given?