Andrew Largeman: You know that point in your life when you realize that the house that you grew up in isn't really your home anymore? All of the sudden even though you have some place where you can put your stuff that idea of home is gone.
Sam: I still feel at home in my house.
Andrew Largeman: You'll see when you move out it just sort of happens one day one day and it's just gone. And you can never get it back. It's like you get homesick for a place that doesn't exist. I mean it's like this rite of passage, you know. You won't have this feeling again until you create a new idea of home for yourself, you know, for you kids, for the family you start, it's like a cycle or something. I miss the idea of it. Maybe that's all family really is. A group of people who miss the same imaginary place.
That's how I always feel when I come "home". I mean, I pretty much live at school, so its really strange to say that I'm at home when I go back to where I grew up. And the thing I've noticed recently is that when I talk about going back to school i'll say something similar to: Then Paul is going to come down for a week and he's going to be driving me back home." And then I correct myself and say school. Mostly because I don't want to offend any of my friends and family down here. But I feel like I've already hit the part of my "home cycle" that involves making a new home apart from the place where I grew up. I've made reference to this when I talk about coming to my childhood home. I say I miss the people but I could have them anywhere. Like if all my friends came to visit me occasionaly then I wouldn't be homesick. Or I miss something silly, like the mall (we have a cruddy mall at school so I guess this doesn't really count as homesickness, more like strange materialism). But I live without the mall just fine. I don't need it. *Shrug* its strange. I think its all just a part of growing up. I like growing up.
So yup, as the title suggests I'm back at "home". I've seen quite a few friends a a teacher or two since returning. My friends really want me to go out with them tonight to go to the clubs. I'm not really sure I want to though. Mostly because I don't want to go out without Paul. For a few reasons:
a) I don't want him to feel like I'm having all kinds of fun without him and that I don't really miss him, because I can go out without him (a silly reason really because he's going to a concert tonight anyway so its not like he has any good arguement)
b) I don't want to drink without him because he's really the only person I trust enough to watch me when I drink. He is very concious (always) of how much I consume and knows exactly when to cut me off. I love my friends, but I don't trust them with this.
c) I hate going out dancing without him because somehow some random guy always ends up pressed up against me and I have to extricate myself from him. I hate that about clubs (at least as an attached person I do...loved it when I was single), if you aren't already attached to someone, there is someone who will jump on you and take advantage of the fact that you are alone. I always feel like a cold person when I'm like "ugh get off" but I can't dance with some other guy! Number 1 I don't want to and number 2 it makes me feel like a dirty cheater.
So my thought is I might just bring it up with Paul today when I talk to him on the phone and just see what he thinks about it, and maybe I'll just set something else up with a group of people I know (because that's another reason I don't want to go...I'll only know two people there, and I'd so much rather go with a hige bunch of pepole I'm good friends with) and we'll all go out together when Paul is here visitng. That way, all my friends will be satisfied that I went out with them, and I won't have to feel bad about abandoning Paul or feeling dirty. Hmmm yes, think that's going to my course of action.
My puppy is cute.
I don't really have anything to do today. I had it all planned out and then my dad came up with this hare-brained scheme about dropping him off and picking everyone up and what not. Actually that's not the hare-brained part. The hare-brained part is that he still has the car and I'm sitting here putting of my plans (shower, breakfast, library) while I wait for him to show. I should just call him. Ah well.
Lots of love,
~*Ery*~
P.S. Paul signed a year lease on a townhouse (apartment) yesterday!! And the search is over!!!!
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