Another Year, Another Story

Wow. I can't believe it...I'm going on three years now with this blog. Granted, I don't write as much as I used to ( I think about it all the time though), but it is still here. And occasionaly, like today, an update does come. I think some important things have happened this year. I think this has been a year of incredible growth and change. Both for myself and for the relationships around me.

For starters, Paul and I. I think our relationship has jumped and evolved and developed so much since we first met. I was reading some of the entries today from when we first met and started dating, then compared them with some of my recent entries and realized that I have been doing our relationship a huge injustice. Most especially in the last few weeks. I really love Paul, and I don't know why I've stopped letting that out in my writing. I suppose its because due to our "new surroundings" we have encountered many a hurdle. We have to deal with each other daily. We have an entire apartment to keep looking neat and tidy. We're trying to build a life around our love, but at the same time, trying to improve and better ourselves personally. Its like trying to make a new wardrobe, but growing really fast while doing it. It is really hard to keep up with both things, but you can't really neglect one part or the other will have nothing to go with.


One thing that I've decided, and I believe it will help, is that the housework needs to have a structure. Right now, we are living like two people who happen to live and sleep together. We use seperate toothpastes and clean only when it starts to bother the other person. We don't have any designated places for things, everything just ends up where it is tossed. So this weekend, we are organizing. Together we will decide the best place for things, and the best way to divide the things we do. This way, it won't weigh on us. It will stop being a huge chore, and instead, become habit.


Enough for today.


Lots of Love,
~*Ery*~

All Grown Up...Dang it

Ok so...I went out of town last week and what do I do? I hit a deer. Paul and I drove 7.5 hours to get 30 miles from my grandma's house and total my car. Yup the same car that I have had for 2 months and just finished making a claim on hail damage (thank God I hadn't gotten that taken care of yet). I mean jeeeez. So now I'm 8 hours from home, in a different state and car-less. To say the least I was put out. Long story short I now own a white, '03 Bonneville. ANd I love it. It was such an upgrade from the old one. That's pretty much it right now. Just had to get that one out there.

Lots of Love,
~*Ery*~

P.S. Everyone was ok (not including the deer) and no, I didn't get to take it home with me.

All Grown Up

I made my first insurance claim today. Woohoo. My car sustained heavy hail damage last Wednesday due to some crazy weather and I've just now decided to actually do something about it. Unfortunately I'm doing it so late that I woin't be able to see my adjuster until Sunday and I probably won't actually get my car fixed up until December. Needless to say, I'm a bit peeved.

I've only had my car for a little over a month! I wanted it to stay pretty, new and shiny for at least 6 months before something happened to it. Oh well, at least I have insurance!

That's pretty much it. not too much else going on outside the awful heat. I hate being hot. So much. I can't sleep, I'm completely restless. I just can't stand being this warm.

Lots of Love,
~*Ery*~

Weekend Update

Haha, funny SNL skit. Anyway :) I didn't get to go to the wedding on Saturday. Sad. One of the other bridesmaids ended up not having a date either so they went together. Which is fine. I just really wanted to go. Oh well. I did get to stay at home and watch Phantom of the Opera and listen on the phone to the race that Paul was at. Which is always a good time.



Now I'm sitting at work while the temperature steadily climbs into the 90's. I do not like this heat! I mean, I enjoy being able to go and play in the water, and to lay in the sun, but really, I don't like being hot. Especially when I'm just sitting around waiting for the sweat. Ick. I can just feel it starting to pop up on my arm and forehead. Its making me crazy.

Lots of Love,
~*Ery*~

Completely Unrelated

Items of note that aren't connected in any way to the last post so I thought they might be better on their own.

My firend Jackie is in Russia and I'm so happy for her! She has a blog, and I must say that I've made a big step in my blogging. I used my blogging name to comment on her posts. Now this may not seem like a big step, but as I'm sitting here thinking about it I keep feeling more and more wary. The reason being that none of my friends have my blog address. Most of them don't even know I have one. This blog is pretty much my diary, because no one who knows me reads it. And if anyone else does, I don't really care. But now, my name and blog address are just sitting there waiting to be opened up and read my my firends and family. I'm not sure I'm ok with that. Its like I've had this little sancutary for so long, what if it loses that power for me. Worse comes to worse, I have other ways of having a blog. It would just be sad if the anonymity that this one gives me were to be lost.

On a cheerier note, my friend Katie is standing up in a wedding and her date ditched her ( I know it doesn't sound cheery, yet). But I, being a great friend, volunteered to escort her! I even volunteered to wer a suit and said we could masculate my name a bit...heehee. We were laughing so hard just thinking about it. So she's going to ask the bride today when they go to get their nails done and then I'll find out tonight if I'm going to a wedding on Saturday! I think it would be fun. And I think that I'll wear a suit, but then bring a nice dress to change into. I think we'd have to get pictures, but after that I'd feel a little silly in my suit. So yeah, fingers crossed I could be off having a stupendous time on Saturday night!Which would be much better than the alternative, sittting at home alone.

Paul is on a mini-roadtrip with his buddies which has left me sleeping alone. Its so strange, how much I miss having him there after only 1 1/2 months of only sleeping together. When I went home it was hard too (he gets to stay in the basement :( poor guy) I like sleeping with him :) . I don't really have anything else to say. Those are the highlights.

Lots of Love,
~*Ery*~

P.S. I learned how to play cribbage, and I'm pretty good!

Yea!!

All things are good!

I asked Paul the next morning if he wanted to talk and he agreed that we could do it that night. So Wednesday night we hada nice little chat aboutwhat I said, and it turns out that he understood why I was upset he just didn't know why it meant so much to me.

As far as I could tell, he prefers to be left alone when angry and doesn't want an apology right away. I, however, am completely the opposite and want the apology right then. So its just a difference in communication styles. Al in all we agreed that it was something that needed to be brought up, but perhaps in not so volatile a manner.

Another thing we talked about, which I didn't mention in my last entries were that I had been feeling a bit neglected as far as cuddling, kissing, and basic boy-girl "alone" time. I had tried just about everything short of demanding it (which to me feels vulgar) and had convinced myself that I was doing something unattractive to him. So I asked him about it and he had just flat out not realized that what I was doing was a "request" for something more and just thought I wanted a simple hug (when in reality I was asking for a bit more). The entire time I've been feeling unattractive, he's been not initiating anything because he was worried that I had to get up for work and would be tired, or vice versa for himself. So in reality he wanted me, but was thinking logically and with a sympathy for both of us. Well after our little chat we fixed that whole lack and I think we stumbled upon something that we didn't know before: being affectionate, and taking the time out of the day for some loving is important.

Before, I think we just operated under the thought that it was a way of showing love, but that if it wasn't done, the relationship would be ok. I'm not sure why we thought this, since every book on romance and lasting relationships stresses the need for sexual relations. (Note: Paul and I are not having sex, but we do kiss and pet and etc. which count under sexual relations but not sex.)

Ok. So that was...interesting. Anyway, we were both feeling much better by the end of the night and the next morning. Everything more right, and I think we made a big jump in our relationship together. Yea!!

L:ots of Love,
~*Ery*~

11pm Update

So, one would think, based upon what I wrote earlier, that a response was coming. At the very least, an acknowldgment of what transpired would occur. Well, we've been home together for 1.5 hours now and the only hint I have that he even touched my note is... it is sitting on the nightstand instead of in the middle of the bed. Yup. Not an email, a letter, a word, nothing. I want to say something, but at the same time I don'twant to nag. I want him to know that he has time to get his ideas and thoughts in order...but it would be nice if he could at least acknowledge me and say that he'll get something to me tomorrow or Thursday, or something.

This is exactly what I'm frustrated by. We're watching t.v. and he's playing video games like nothing happened. He's trying to pet me and be cuddle-y but as much as I want that right now, I just can't. There's so much other stuff in the way that is just being avoided. I don't know why he can't just talk to me.

Lots of Love,

~*Ery*~

Living Together...

... is hard. I don't even know what to do anymore. Yesterday Paul and I got into a huge fight about nothing, really. It was about old things that he just doesn't seem to be understanding when I tell him. So here is the scene:


I left for work yesterday at 9:30am. Paul was still asleep, so I gave him a kiss, said goodbye and I love you and left. When I got home at 3:45pm he was already at work and had just missed a call from a friend. So I called Marc (the friend) back to tell him that Paul was working and to see if it was anything urgent. Since it wasn't, we said good-bye and that was that. So I spent the rest of my afternoon/evening watching t.v. and doing some organizing that I've been putting off since I moved in. When Paul got home at 10 I was quite happy, gave him a big hug and kiss and said I would go with him back to the movie store to drop off the rented movie, since I had missed him all day.

While we are walking to the car I ask him about his day and how the rain affected him, etc. Then I remebered that Marc called, right as we got in the car. So I told him, and he asked what Marc wanted I said ," I don't know..."
and paused so I could turn down the radio so I wouldn't have to yell over it. Paul said something to the effect of," You always do that when you get in, you always turn down the radio."
Now I wouldn't be upset by this, but I thought it made sense to turn down the noise so I could talk to him, since I hadn't seen him all day. But I was ticked that he didn't know that. So I turned the radio back up and finished what I was saying, "...but he said it wasn't important and he left you a message. Which I was going to say before you hollered at me."
This was said quite loudly (since the radio was loud and I was mad) and I said the word hollered, I remember distinctly. And Paul said nothing. So I turned the radio up a little more and went back to sitting quietly. He didn't say anything the entire way to the video store. So while he dropped off the movie I turned the radio up more and waited for him to need to say something. He immediately got in and started to say something, paused and turned down the radio.

So I, a bit nastier than was really necessary I'll admit, said, "Oh, is the radio too loud?"
"Nevermind," he said and sat stoically looking out the windsheild and driving.
So I apologized for snapping and said, "Please tell me what you were going to say."
And he said, "it doesn't matter," and stopped talking to me.

So now I'm pissed because the whole thing is reeeling out of control because he didn't respond to me from the get go. So I say (again, a bit nastier than necessary), "Or we could play it this way...with you not talking to me"
To which he finally responds. He speaks a bit louder than normal (not a yell) and goes on about how he didn't know that I was upset and that he thought the whole thing was over.

What I don't see, is how he thought that. I don't know how I could make myself more clear outside of saying, "I'm mad at you for not letting me finish my statement." Which I guess, in reality is not that big of a deal. But I just think that he, as the person who should know me best and kind of understand my tones and changes in attitude, should be able to tell when I'm a little pissed. Which I tried to explain to him, but he didn't respond to that. No, he kept saying that he apologized and what else do I want. I want him to to apologize when things happen. Not after the fact. Not after I have to start a fight with him to let him know something is wrong. I mean, I know he's not a mind reader, but something like me yelling over the radio and saying that he hollered at me should provoke, at the very least, an: "I didn't know you weren't finished, I'm sorry," sort of response. I mean, to just sit there in silence and assume that since he was wrong + I corrected him = no apology doesn't make any sense to me. That's all I really wanted; for him to see that he was wrong and hurt me (a little tiny bit, like making me bump my toe) and then apologize.

Why can't he see that?

So now I'm raging mad, because he can't understand me. So now I'm crying and I can't explain myself. So I left. I got out of the car as soon as we got home and when he asked what was wrong (because I hadn't been trying to explain it to him in the car or anything, gah!) I just said that I needed to take a walk and calm down. I mean, I was bordering on hysterics. So its 11pm and I'm walked and cried my way to the beach where I sat and cried for about 5 minutes then I walked back. I decided that I was going to talk calmly to him and get the whole thing settled. But when I got home, I found him, sitting on the bed playing video games and really not even caring about what had just happened. Not really caring that I'm wandering about by myself for the past 15 minutes in the dark. So I went back downstairs and hid in the closet and cried there. I was in the closet for at least a half hour, before he came down. And it wasn't to find me (at least I don't think it was). He was hungry or thirsty or something, and since I wasn't anywhere to be found he started looking for me. When he found me in the closet (again, clearly upset) he just asked if I was going to hide in the closet all night. He didn't ask why I was in the closet, or if I was ok, just if I was going to stay there.

It so happened that I had decided to write him a note explaining some of what was going on since he clearly didn't want to talk to me about anything. So I told him that, and that I was in the closet (not that he had asked) because I had wanted some privacy, away from people accidentally walking in on me ( which I suppose could have seem directed at him, but I didn't mean it to be). So he left.

I gave him the note a bit later and in it I said that I would appreciate it very much if he could respond to me. By talking (a prefered method) a letter, a song whatever etc. I haven't heard back from him yet. The last I heard he went to bed without coming down to say goodnight, or I love you or anything. Like he didn't really need me or want me at all. When I went to bed I said I love you and kissed him on the cheek. He rolled over and I thought maybe he was awake so I watched him and he woke up just then. He said he loved me too, and rolled over and went back to sleep.

And the funnything is: I didn't even tell him about the apology thing in my note. Of course not. Because in the big picture, its not about apologizing. Its about realizing when I'm upset, or really excited and then acting on that. At the very least asking if I feel that way. I don't think I would be this upset if there weren't other, similar instances where he just didn't seem to make that extra effort to care about what I was feeling. Almost as if my feelings were there, but they in no way affect anything he does or says. I'm not an island. We're supposed to be a team and teams are intuitive about their other members feelings after being together for over a year anda half. Why is this a hard concept? Is it supposed to be this hard? I just don't get it.

Sorry this is long and rambly.

Lots of Love,
~*Ery*~

Summer Lovin'

I love Grease! I've been listening to my Grease CD in the car the last few days. It reminds me of high school. I still remeber when I bought it. Jackie, Nancy, Ann and I all went across the state for the day to visit Jackie's current boyfriend. We had amazing bagels for breakfast, watched Troy (yummy, Brad Pitt butt), and went to this little CD place. WHere I found the Gresse soundtrack for really cheap. It was used, but it's in a amazing condition.

Lots of Love,

~*Ery*~

Date Time!

So on Wednesday I went to the circus. It was sooo much fun! I can't remember the last time I went to the circus. There weren't really any clowns though, which made me sad. Oh well. I liked the people who went up on this swing thing then they jumped off into a big piece of...hmmm I'm not sure what to call it. It was like a net but not really. Kind of like a long piece of fabric. Anyway it was nifty.

And on Saturday Paul and I had a mini date night. We were supposed to go to dinner and a movie but he got off work to late to do the movie. So we just went and had dinner at this awesome brewery/restaurant downtown. The food was incredible and Paul was so excited about being in a brewery. He loves the whole "homemade" beer thing. So he bought a 1/2 gallon jug of their blonde ale to take home. The best part is the bottle looks like its full of moonshine and you can get it refilled for like 9 bucks! That's really cheap.

So on Sunday, since we couldn't go see our movie on Saturday night we went on Sunday afternoon. It was a great day. We hung out all day and just enjoyed being with each other. Its been a while since we both had a day off. We slept late and watched movies and food network. MMM food network. It made us hungry so we ate mac and cheese with boiled hot dogs. Heehee.

THat's life right now. I need to go to the laundromat because I 'm all out of underwear as of this morning. And I just finished an amazing book! I read "The Red Tent" for the second time and loved it again.

Lots of Love,
~*Ery*~

Check Please!

Well I'm here at work and I can't for the life of me find the form I'm supposed to be typing on. I must say this is rather frustrating since this is really the only real responsibility I've been given for a whole three days. I've got the computer doing its search thing-y and its not finding anything...well actually its found quite a lot but not the Check Request form I need.

Plus, I'm really hungry. I'm working until 4pm and all I brought was a little bowl of ramen noodles. Its 11am! I can't eat yet! Ooo maybe if I eat now I can go home around noon and have a sandwich during my actual lunch hour. Hmmm.

Yaay Soup!

And I found the form. Turns out it was sitting on the desk the whole time hiding in a paper cliped stack of paper. The day is looking up! If not sunnier. It rained last night (thank God, we need the rain) and its still looking cloudy. Maybe it will rain again .

Lots of love,

~*Ery*~

Something or Other

I don't know why I'm so gosh darn bad at this. I guess part of it comes from not doing it in so long and not wanting to recap in a long post. Its not completely necessary to recap everything I guess. Main points are usually good enough. I want to post. I think about it sometimes. Then I just don't. I guess I just get bored with whatever it is I was going to write about.

I moved in with Paul, officially, this weekend. Wow. I'm scared. Just getting that out there. He's not, or at least he says he's not. He never asks me about it and that makes me sad. There are a lot of things he doesn't ask about.

That seems to be a main dilemma for me. Paul doesn't question anything. Meanwhile I love questions and knowing what is going on and it drives him crazy. So I end up not questioning anything and feeling unsatisfied and he's right as rain. I really want to bring it up, but he shuts me out as soon as I even think about discussing something with him that he may have a different opinion on. Every discussion isn't a bad one. One of the first things I learned in my argumentation class this semester is that we (people) argue for lots of reasons, only some of them out of anger. The others are used to make decisions or just for the fun of disagreeing on something in an amiable way. Grrr. I don't know how to bring this up.

It worries me that I can ask him as many questions about "personal, male things" but as soon as I try to find out how he's feeling about something, he doesn't want to talk to me about it. I guess to be fair I never really tell him when something is bothering me, I pout quite a bit. Maybe that's part of the problem. If I said, right away, that his actions were upseting me, or that I have something on my mind that I'd like to talk about sometime, maybe he'd be more open to talking to me. Again, to be fair, its not like he doesn't talk to me ever, its just that its more of a when-its-convenient-for-him kind of thing.

Well that was a lovely little rant.

I guess I'm happy. Maybe I'm just on a little mood swing right now.

Which reminds me...I've been tracking my cycle and I'm excited! I like knowing what's going on so much!! I feel like I'm finally getting in touch with myself as a woman, which I know sounds really cheesy, but its the truth. Its cool to be following along and knowing when I'm going to get moody and when I'll be peppy as can be. I guess deep down I feel like I'm connecting with something older than myself. I mean, this is something that has been going on for generations and centuries and millenia and I'm part of it and I'm aware of that now. Instead of dreading and not being sure what exactly is going on I'm able to identify with millions of women throughout the ages.

Lots of Love,

~*Ery*~

20 Days later

I've been having trouble writing lately. I just don't know how to put wha tI'm thinking into words. Its really a strange dilemma. WEll anyway. I've got a good amount of things going on right now.

I went to Toronto for MUN. IT was good fun, but let me tell you: its cold in Toronto in February. Now I know that might seem like common sense, but when, for some reason, I believed the weather report of 40 degrees ...I decided to pack very few clothes. ANd the clothes tha tI packed weren't conducive to extreme winds chill or snow. Ick. Outside of that it was a good time. My committee was really fun and we had a lot of really smart people in teh group that contributed a lot. I dind't get an award, which would have been nice, but i did get several compliments from people in ECOFIN (my committee) that they felt I should have gotten some recognition. One of the really interesting things while I was there was this guy from Boston was totally hitting on me. I had to pull the "Boyfriend Card". Meaning that I had to casually bring up Paul while trying to act like that I didn't realize that I had actually just cock-blocked him. Oy. The politics of male and female interactions. Its really an interesting line. I odn't feel like discussing it right now, but perhaps in the future.

I've got my resume all over the city right now. I'm looking for a summer/next fall job and i've already had one interview. Its with an answering service company. I don't know if I even want to work there but the pay is really good for the area. It would look pretty good on my resume since they require at least one year of work and I'd have plenty of proof as to being able to handle customers. I don't know if I'm even going to get the job, but I've got my fingers crossed.

I haven't seen Paul in a week. How much does that suck?? I mean, we live 5 minutes away from each other and somehow in the last two days neither of us has had the time to see one another. I wouldn't mind wo much if I had at the very least heard his voice or something. But we haven't even been able to talk on the phone since my phone was roaming the whole time I was out of state. I wish we had talked yesterday, but I was too tired to call and tonite we had a date scheduled, but he procrastinated all weekend and had to do homework. I would be lying if I said I wasn't a little peeved about that. I mean, I was out of town for 4 days and at now point does he do any homework. He just lets it build up and then does it all the night we're supposed to hang out. I understand he has homework, but still. He knew when we would have time to hang out and he missed the opportunity. Oh well I guess.

THat's a quick overview. It kind of sucks a a blog entry but I feel like I should, at the very least, try to update once a month so things don't get too out of hand and then require lots of explaining.

Lots of Love,
~*Ery*~

I've been having trouble writing lately. I just don't know how to put wha tI'm thinking into words. Its really a strange dilemma. WEll anyway. I've got a good amount of things going on right now.

I went to Toronto for MUN. IT was good fun, but let me tell you: its cold in Toronto in February. Now I know that might seem like common sense, but when, for some reason, I believed the weather report of 40 degrees ...I decided to pack very few clothes. ANd the clothes tha tI packed weren't conducive to extreme winds chill or snow. Ick. Outside of that it was a good time. My committee was really fun and we had a lot of really smart people in teh group that contributed a lot. I dind't get an award, which would have been nice, but i did get several compliments from people in ECOFIN (my committee) that they felt I should have gotten some recognition. One of the really interesting things while I was there was this guy from Boston was totally hitting on me. I had to pull the "Boyfriend Card". Meaning that I had to casually bring up Paul while trying to act like that I didn't realize that I had actually just cock-blocked him. Oy. The politics of male and female interactions. Its really an interesting line. I odn't feel like discussing it right now, but perhaps in the future.

I've got my resume all over the city right now. I'm looking for a summer/next fall job and i've already had one interview. Its with an answering service company. I don't know if I even want to work there but the pay is really good for the area. It would look pretty good on my resume since they require at least one year of work and I'd have plenty of proof as to being able to handle customers. I don't know if I'm even going to get the job, but I've got my fingers crossed.

I haven't seen Paul in a week. How much does that suck?? I mean, we live 5 minutes away from each other and somehow in the last two days neither of us has had the time to see one another. I wouldn't mind wo much if I had at the very least heard his voice or something. But we haven't even been able to talk on the phone since my phone was roaming the whole time I was out of state. I wish we had talked yesterday, but I was too tired to call and tonite we had a date scheduled, but he procrastinated all weekend and had to do homework. I would be lying if I said I wasn't a little peeved about that. I mean, I was out of town for 4 days and at now point does he do any homework. He just lets it build up and then does it all the night we're supposed to hang out. I understand he has homework, but still. He knew when we would have time to hang out and he missed the opportunity. Oh well I guess.

THat's a quick overview. It kind of sucks a a blog entry but I feel like I should, at the very least, try to update once a month so things don't get too out of hand and then require lots of explaining.

Lots of Love,
~*Ery*~

Dreaming

Dreams. Interesting things really. I've always wondered if they mean something or if its a whole bunch of mumbo jumbo that some crazed psychologists have put together. Funny way of putting that: "crazed psychologists". Well in any case. I've been dreaming recently and though I wouldn't call them nightmares, they aren't exactly pleasant dreams either. So I will describe them here.

1st Dream ~ Last thursday
I was going to a church. I thnk it was for a baptism or something. One way once I got there I realized that I wasn't there for a baptism, I was there for my graduation. Paul was there but he was sullen about it. That wasn't the biggest concern, though. The biggest concern was I was dressed in red and black when I was supposed to be wearing white. So I had to go home really fast to change. Paul said he'd drive me. So the two of us, and a whole bunch of other people (one of whom happened to be a girl who lives in my hall, Betsy). all get in his car and drive away. For somereason though, as soon as we get within a mile of my house he stops and parks teh car. He said it would be faster if we walked, which makes no sense because tehre wasn't any traffic to slow us down. As soon as we get out of the car I'm engulfed in this feeling of panic and all I can think about is being late for graduation. We walk into this house (not mine) and there are people inside. Paul and Betsy want to meet them, despite me continually telling them we have to leave and that I'm going to be late. When we finally get out of the house we are running down the side of a road and I can just feel time whizzing by as we run instead of drive. I'm paniced and my heart is beating fast. Then I wake up.

2nd Dream ~ Last night
Paul and I are up at Tech for Carnival. We are walking around in this big building and everyone keeps looking at us. I havethis heavy feeling, like I'm going somewhere or about to do something thatI'm not completely comfortable with doing. All of aa suddeen I just "know" that after we get back to our bedroom Paul and I are going to have sex for the first time...and everyone knows. As soon as I'm aware of that fact I can seee that people keep looking at us and smiling. Like they know something we don't. I start to feel almost sick to my stomach. We get back to our bedroom (which happens to be my room at school), and there is a man there reading passages out of the Bible. The room is dim but there is a sort of sickly yellow light coming fromt eh man reading. Paul starts to kiss me and all I can think is:"I'm not ready, why are we doing this, why does everyone know?" His mouth is too hot, and it feels like I have a pool of near boiling water just sitting on my tongue. I feel trapped, and like I can't change a decision that I made before this instant. Then I wake up.

3rd Dream ~ Last night (after 2nd dream)
I'm at my house. For some reason I've been put in charge of finding players for our flag football intermural team. Unfortunately its coed and I can't find any men who would like to play. i'm rushing around, racing against time trying to find some men who would like to play. I finally manage to get three guys together and then I can't get anyone together to actually get going to the game. My friend Katie isn't motivated and the other girl on our team (Jodi Sweetin, Stephanie from Full House) is giving herself a french manicure. Like the first dream I'm completely frustrated and paniced about being late. My throat is tight and my heart is pounding. I finally get everyone outside the house and I realize we are at my house back home. My mom drives up to take us to the field and as we run down the stairs my neighobr, ROy who is about 6, come sprintin over to me. He holds up a yellow worm and starts screaming "Look Ery!! Look at my worm!!!" I tell him that I can't look right now and he tackles me so I will look at his worm. I look at it and then get in the car. My mom informs me that we'll be at the game in 5 minutes as long as the weather doesn't get bad. As soon as she stops talking the skies open up and starting pouring rain. Then I wake up.

I wish I knew what these meant.

Lots of Love
~*Ery*~

Friday Night TV

I'm sitting in Paul's apartment, watching TV with his brother and buddy Thomas. We've been doing this since abut 5pm and I'm a little tired of sitting around and watching a whole lot of testosterone on TV. Not to say that I haven't enjoyed the shows we've watched so far ( Man vs. Wild is a freaking cool show) but we haven't done anything today. On the other hand, I don't really have any money so I don't really want to go out and spend any cash right now. Oh well.

Things are bette than what I was stressing about the last time I wrote. I don't know why I got so weird, it just sort of happened. I worry too much. I'm not sure why. For instance, Paul and I were talking about going up to Tech for a winter festival they have every year. Even though the school has some real activities planeed (such as snow statue building, I'll include pictures next week) the real "focus" of events, at least for many students, is to get as drunk as possible and then stay that way till Sunday evening. This worries me. I'm so frightened of one of the people i'm with getting alcohol, especially Paul. For some reason he doesn't understand why this bothers me so much. It just does. I'm so scared that something will happen to him. I can't predict the future, if I could maybe I wouldn't worry to much...or maybe I'd worry all the more.

I'm so excited for Model UN. I had to go back and see if I had talked about it yet...and since I only mentioned it once that means I get to just go to town on it. Model UN is pretty much exactly what it sounds like. Its a group that meets and puts on a model United Nations conference. A whole bunch of college students get together and discuss a varitey of topics. At my school we "train" for this in two different ways. In the fall semester we meet as an extra-curricular group that gets together on Thursdays to practice writing resolutions and debating in proper parliamentary order. In the winter semester we meet as a political science class (for 2 credits!) and learn from peer teachers. The upside to doing it this way is there are credits involved and more people take it as a class than in the group. The downside is there is homework and quizzes, not so fun.

In the fall we go to Chicago, IL and have the conference in a hotel. But in the Winter we go to Toronto and hold the conference at U of T. I'm so excited to go in February. Its going to be so much fun. Its so interesting to get together and discuss things with intelligent people. especially when, in reality, it doesn't mean all that much to anyone at all. This semester I'm representing the United Kingdom. They are so involved in so many things. So I'm excited to go to Toronto and have a good time. Wee!

Um. I guess that's it. Oh wait! I've been doing yoga throughout the week and took class again on Tuesday. It's so much fun. And I already feel more comfortable and have a little better posture. Yea!

Ok now I'm truly finished.

Lots of Love,
~*Ery*~

Yoga

I did yoga today! Yea! I went to the PEIF today with Erin and Leah. It was fun. Mostly because I got to do yoga! I like doing yoga. It always makes me feel so relaxed and energized all at the same time. Ummm that's probably the onely thing I have to day about today.

Oh and I miss Paul. Which is strange considering that we're so close now. Like I didn't talk to him last night on the phone. And we havn't really talked on the phone in a while. Even though we aren't seening each other every day. I don't like it. And today he's had an away message up that says he's in class but the last classes for the day ar eover by 9:20 and he only has a late class on Thursday anyway so I don't understand where he could be. And I don't know why he wouldn't answer his phone. I think I'm feeling paranoid for some weird reason. Not paranoid like he's cheating or anything, because I know he wouldn't do something like that. But just worried about why he isn't interested in contacting me at all. Like I'll leave him messages on email, facebook, and AIM and he doesn't return any of them. I don't think anything's wrong but I don't know and I don't want to ask and I don't want to let him know that I'm feeling like this. But I don't like the way things are moving either. I feel like we aren't talking and I'm sad. I miss him.


Lots of Love
~*Ery*~

A New Year

I want my textbooks! I ordered textbooks off amazon.com last thursday and i've only received one so far! And of course it the one I need least of all.

This was a ... good first week of classes. Man though, my schedule is kind of crazy. Mondays and Wednesdays I've got classes and work for 11 hours total. But Tuesdays and Thursdays I don't work more than 5 hours and no classes at all. Friday - Sunday I've got nothing at all! I don't know if I like it or hate it. One good thing is that I have plenty of time on my Tues, and Thurs. to take care of things on and off campus. Things like donating plasma and homework.

I'm so not excited about having to start giving plasma again. I don't konw if I've explained plasma yet but here goes. There is this center near my school that is there for people to donate blood plasma for phamacies to use in medicines. The reason its such a big deal though is that they pay for the plasma. Well actually, they pay for the time it takes to give the plasma. Its illegal to pay money for bodily fluids, or really any part of your body ( a little thing called prostitution, ya know?). Its actually not that bad. They stick you with a needle and then you sit there for an hour as they they take blood out, spin it, and then return the blood cells (minus the plasma) back to you through the same needle. They repeat this process several times over the course of the hour. There's not really any pain, its just kind of uncomfortable and annoying. Mostly because I thought I was past the point of having to go there for money (Its pretty good, $200 if you do it twice a week for a month). My lack of a job over break has left me nearly penniless with bills and things piling up. I hate money. Its annoying.

This weekend was pretty good. Paul and I hung out with a couple that he's know since he was a kid. They're fun. We went out to this really good Creole place in town. And then we watched some movies. Ooo! Watched "Conversation(s) with other women" Which was pretty cool. It was shot in a split screen and its about past lovers who meet again years later. I loved it!

now I'm all sore from going to the PEIF the next day and starting to actually get back in shape. My butt hurts. And that's the result of a year of nothing.

Went to church tonight. Sarah (the roomie) came with. I was really excited because over and over she's talked about how she doesn't really like Catholic masses for one reason or another. So when she said she would go tonight I was excited. But then we left and she mentioned that she felt out of place and Paul noted that she wasn't alone. I felt really bad. I mean, I thought that I had been pretty open about gong to different churches with him and letting him know that if he had any questions he could come to me about them...but apparently he's still uncomfortable. I don't know what it is. Like, maybe he just isn't a church person. I love going to church, but maybe he just doesn't enjoy it like I do. *Shurg* I guess its something tha tI'l lhave to talk to him about.

Now I'm walking "Strong Medicine" instead of going to bed. I don't really feel like going to sleep yet, plus I love this show. Ok... I think i'm done rambling for a bit.

Lots of Love,
~*Ery*~

Winter Semester

Dum dum di dum. So yeah here I am again. Sitting in my dorm room. not doing anything and just waiting for classes to start. I'm so ready for new classes to start. Its like a new leaf, everything starts all over again. A clean slate. I love that feeling. And it coincides perfectly with the New Year and everything.

I'm reading a book right now about female empowerment. Its making me think a lot about how women look at our selves and how we cut ourselves down more than anyone else does. I want to try really hard this year to think of myself as fine and perfect the way I am. Its going to be hard though because my suitemates and I have decided to work out this semester and try to eat healthier. The only thing I'm worried about is that I'm not going to focus on health and not my actual size. I have to remember that I don't need to lose weight, just get healthier.

Wow I've got nothing to really talk about here. I'm just kind of bored. I went to the library and got a book but I couldn't check it out because of course I've got a fine so my account is locked up so I can't check out any books. Oh well, I'll pay it eventually.

I just had a strange thought about bouquets. Its interesting how right now when I go to a wedding I want to catch the bouquet, but then at the same time I don't want to actually catch it because I don't know what in the world I would do with it. I mean the bouquet has all the implications attached and I want those implications. WOohoo married. But I so don't want the ooo you caught the bouquet. And I don't want to look lik eI want to catch the bouquet. But I really do. Just to say I caught it. And then, I don't know, maybe save it? Ah well. Just a ramndom thought.

~*Ery*~

Winter

Snow is finally falling! Well we had snow before Christmas but not its falling again after a long month of zero snow.

I'm at Paul's Apt. right now waiting for him to get back from the PEIF (Physical Education Instructional Facility). His brother Todd and his girlfriend Jaimi are coming over soon and we're going to eat pizza! Yea pizza. Its interesting being here by myself. I mean, I don't live here, yet (come May and I move in too!) so its strange. Plus its al empty and un lived in because they haven't completely moved in yet. Like there is now dining room table or cable anywhere so its a lot of just sitting around upstairs because downstairs in teh dining/lioving area there isn't really much to do. At least up here there are computers and movies and video games. And sleeping. You can sleep in bedrooms. Yeah I'm a little bored. I felt the urge to write last night but I'm glad I didn't because I was trully just feeling rather PMS-y and was oddly depressed about my relationship. Which really isn't the case. I'm really happy with Paul and all his best parts and worst parts. I love all of him I just had a serious mistrust in myself last night. Like I was going over and over in my head why I should just not be thereat the moment and how my life was going somewhere I didn't want it to . But the truth is I like very much where my life is going. I've made this p;ath. I like that i can sleep next to my boyfriend at night. I like that in under five months we'll be living together. What I don't like are my weak moments of panic. I hate that feeling. That 'Oh no what has happened, what am I doing, how can I fix it?' feeling. Its stupid. I know that if at one of those weak moments I were to break up with him or something the next day or next minute I would fall apart. We complete each other so nicely it would be like a part of me just fell off. Why can't I wrap my brain around it? I don't know. I've pretty much taken a wait-and-see attitude about these next upcoming weeks. Its such a transitional time for the both of us. Not only is he at a new schoool with a new major. We are both dealing with actually having a traditional close distance relationship. We've never had that. I know we'll have to be careful about a lot of things like how much time we spend together and making sure neither of us stifles the other persons wants and interests. but I've decided to just deal with that sort of thing when, and if, it comes up. I mean, how can you fix something if it hasn't even broken yet? IT doesn't make any sense. Granted, when something does happen we both have to be concious to tell the other person and just fix it. I just hope we both come out stronger at the end of this. I know we will. I just need to start remembering that when I can't fall asleep at night.

Well that was long and rambling and I'm sorry for the lack of paragraphs, I just kind of free wrote whatever came to mind so I'm not really sure where to put them now. Plus I don't want to go over it right now becaus eI'll probably delete it instead of just publishing it like I really want to do.

~*Ery*~