I can't figure out what to title this so I guess its going to go out there untitled. Well, for startsers I've decided that the whole letters = names thing just isn't gonna wrok so just nicknames, and first names since there are oh so many 'Bobs' in this world anyway.
Well being sick is awful. Far from any life-threatening illness I feel that I've earned my right to complain over my petty little cold. I mean I do have aches and pains and a cough and runny nose...I feel gross! But enough wallowing, it makes it worse.
I made the decision to "put the moves on" Jeff, which if you think about it is pretty funny considering I really don't have any "moves" since I'm sooo uneducated in the ways of the world. But oh well on that. I am in a state of confusion, though, because for all the talk of seeing each other on SUn I feel like its a lifetime away...but at the same time I don't want to see him any sooner because I'm afraid of the awkwardness that may b a result of this new stage in our relationship. WHich is another thing altogether. I mean are we going out or not? I'm not asking for a marriage proposal here just a simple question. Although he's probably just as confused as I am since he doesn't know why in the world I'm so swiny in my likes and dislikes. I'm so moody. Just one of those things I guess.
I was sooooo happy when it snowed on Sun.! It was white and pure and clean. I felt as if my soul had been cleansed by the simple act of frozen rain falling to the ground. What an effect! As I told everyone I saw that day, I love the snow!!
But know the nyquil has kicked in and I'm about to pass out from sleepyness. So much homeworkto do tomorrow. Woe, but that is a problem for tomorrow!
~*Ery*~
Monday, December 13, 2004
Friday, December 10, 2004
Test Run
Test Run
Just checking out this email blogging thing. I'm so excited by it!
Claim your Space NOW! Have fun sharing blogs, photos and music lists online.
New Page
So much is different than it was in October. I have decided the changes need to be made in my life in a positive direction. Changes that will show me as myself. Things like spontaneousness (yes that is a word I made it up) but also things like organized outings. To catch up though:
For one M. Finally decided to be true and tell me that it wasn't going to work for him. Pain..I cried myself to sleep...But now I'm okay, I miss that feeling though, that feeling that if I needed it someone would be there to hold me in his arms and just be there. But that feeling won't be fulfilled right now, nor will it probably ever be filled later, at least not by M.
To find that space wanting to be filled so quickly by boys that are past loves was mystifying to me. Even more so was the fact that I don't understand my feelings still fo one of them, J. I am afraid to let go and trust my feelings for fear of losing an excellent friendship, but what if? What if I am supposed to be courted and loved by the male? What if the friendship could edure the eventual break-up? Why must I think ahead to a break-up? Because college looms near and distance will not serve a relationship well. In fact it would kill it most assuredly. But What if it survived? WHat do I do now? A conversation took place near the start of November in which I told J. that I needed a friend at the moment, but now I feel, a sort of magnetic effect taking place. I feel excitment at the prospect of seeing his face, hearing his voice, and agin the longing to be held; but is this longing the basis of the feeling? And is it too late to change a previous statement? And how would I go about it? DO I say in simple terms that I want a relationship now? How is that fair? TO keep him witing in the wings until I feel it is safe to come out. What right have I to keep him locked away with half of my heart but apart from my true affections until further notice? his answer would surely not kill any hopes I have since i don't trully know what it is I want. No one has a true answer for me and I fear that the only step to be taken involves me being out on a limb witing for the chainsaw to cut of the connecgting wood.
Never, in my so far short life did I expectto have three, yes three(3) boys vying for my attention. I am so unused to it and I can honestly, but heart-breakenly say I am suprised. I never found myself to be a great beauty thaough I regarded my looks as pretty I find difficuly seeing beyond the frizzy hair, which I love but deteste for its natural originality, and the slightly acned face which is half genetic from my mother...thanks Ma. But past a physical beauty I did, no, still do not find myself to be the most witty person. Not to say that I am a bore but I am a processor as my coach told me. I am not always ready with a quick comeback because often I am stll digesting the jibe thrown at me. I am not dense nor am I inferior, I merely think in a different manner, and at times this is a rather solw process. I felt that it must then be my warm-hearted ways and kid mannerisms, only to discover that it is my honesty in times of strife, my anbilty to cut things to the point without beating around the bush which draws people to me. For in looking inward to myself that is an attribute which I use frequently. The three confuse my and give me a sense of belonging that I haven't felt before, a feeling of being wanted.
A positive lift today. Every person needs 12 hugs a day to thrive. To THRIVE. Such a simple act of touching, innocent and often pure it is a reminder that solittude is not always the answer. THat at some point we all need to have human contact. Our bodies will only function, they will not grow in a steady manner and our spirits and passions will die as well. SO as of todsy I am striving to hug most peope I greet. Fo I benefit as do they, for that brief touch of love may be the decideng factor for how they shape thir lives while it may only change a feeling they harboured deep inside that they were unlovable. ANd if one hug from me can do all this thatn why not give one to everyone I see allthe time.
~*ERY*~
For one M. Finally decided to be true and tell me that it wasn't going to work for him. Pain..I cried myself to sleep...But now I'm okay, I miss that feeling though, that feeling that if I needed it someone would be there to hold me in his arms and just be there. But that feeling won't be fulfilled right now, nor will it probably ever be filled later, at least not by M.
To find that space wanting to be filled so quickly by boys that are past loves was mystifying to me. Even more so was the fact that I don't understand my feelings still fo one of them, J. I am afraid to let go and trust my feelings for fear of losing an excellent friendship, but what if? What if I am supposed to be courted and loved by the male? What if the friendship could edure the eventual break-up? Why must I think ahead to a break-up? Because college looms near and distance will not serve a relationship well. In fact it would kill it most assuredly. But What if it survived? WHat do I do now? A conversation took place near the start of November in which I told J. that I needed a friend at the moment, but now I feel, a sort of magnetic effect taking place. I feel excitment at the prospect of seeing his face, hearing his voice, and agin the longing to be held; but is this longing the basis of the feeling? And is it too late to change a previous statement? And how would I go about it? DO I say in simple terms that I want a relationship now? How is that fair? TO keep him witing in the wings until I feel it is safe to come out. What right have I to keep him locked away with half of my heart but apart from my true affections until further notice? his answer would surely not kill any hopes I have since i don't trully know what it is I want. No one has a true answer for me and I fear that the only step to be taken involves me being out on a limb witing for the chainsaw to cut of the connecgting wood.
Never, in my so far short life did I expectto have three, yes three(3) boys vying for my attention. I am so unused to it and I can honestly, but heart-breakenly say I am suprised. I never found myself to be a great beauty thaough I regarded my looks as pretty I find difficuly seeing beyond the frizzy hair, which I love but deteste for its natural originality, and the slightly acned face which is half genetic from my mother...thanks Ma. But past a physical beauty I did, no, still do not find myself to be the most witty person. Not to say that I am a bore but I am a processor as my coach told me. I am not always ready with a quick comeback because often I am stll digesting the jibe thrown at me. I am not dense nor am I inferior, I merely think in a different manner, and at times this is a rather solw process. I felt that it must then be my warm-hearted ways and kid mannerisms, only to discover that it is my honesty in times of strife, my anbilty to cut things to the point without beating around the bush which draws people to me. For in looking inward to myself that is an attribute which I use frequently. The three confuse my and give me a sense of belonging that I haven't felt before, a feeling of being wanted.
A positive lift today. Every person needs 12 hugs a day to thrive. To THRIVE. Such a simple act of touching, innocent and often pure it is a reminder that solittude is not always the answer. THat at some point we all need to have human contact. Our bodies will only function, they will not grow in a steady manner and our spirits and passions will die as well. SO as of todsy I am striving to hug most peope I greet. Fo I benefit as do they, for that brief touch of love may be the decideng factor for how they shape thir lives while it may only change a feeling they harboured deep inside that they were unlovable. ANd if one hug from me can do all this thatn why not give one to everyone I see allthe time.
~*ERY*~
Sunday, October 03, 2004
Nothing big
Today is good. Yesterday was good. I like good days. They make me happy. I saw M. yesterday, poor thing has pneumonia. I wanted to hug him so bad. But I couldn't so I didn't so the moment passed and is gone. I get to see him in a week. The anticipation is driving me CRAZY!!
Monday, September 27, 2004
blah day
O the subject of this blah day I believe that Mon. is actually gah but i'll have to check...Anyway. I hate thinking. I'm so sick of over analyzing things. What I need is to stop thinking about him ( for now on he will be known as M. for clarities sake as well as confidentiality). Things will work themselves out in the end. Although I'm not sure how...why hasn't M. called or emailed? Why can't I stop thinking about it? M. makes me so happy.... maybe I should just leave the whole thing behind me. However I can't. Its to big in my life right now for me to see around it, to dense for me to see through it, and just to multi-personal for me to handle on my own. I know my friends are sick of it...i'm sorry... I hope you understand...let me be selfish for a while...I want some positive attention. DOes that make me attentiong starved? Am I a bad person for it? I like to believe not but what is ther to say otherwise. So many lies can be told on so many levels. I can't see through them to what really matters. I don't know. Trust is huge. I need to increase my trust in others, especially those who are close to me...no thats not right because I could trust them with my life, but not with my feelings...does that make sense? I think what I'm trying to say is I'm not sure WHAT I feel thus I am unable to share it. But yeah. Today was blah. Although it ahad its high points:
"We had to gouge your feelings." "No. No I mean gage...gage your feelings!"
" Look at my black spandex capris! THey're like whales...eeekeeek!"
" I feel the same way about__M.__as I do my cool new spandex capris...."
Along with the fact that J. knows that the boy JA. likes her. (Its amazing how alike their names are).
What a day filled with double entendra and plots and comedy...sounds lke a Shakespearean play... hopefully its acomedy...they worl out in the end---how?---I don't know its a mystery.
"We had to gouge your feelings." "No. No I mean gage...gage your feelings!"
" Look at my black spandex capris! THey're like whales...eeekeeek!"
" I feel the same way about__M.__as I do my cool new spandex capris...."
Along with the fact that J. knows that the boy JA. likes her. (Its amazing how alike their names are).
What a day filled with double entendra and plots and comedy...sounds lke a Shakespearean play... hopefully its acomedy...they worl out in the end---how?---I don't know its a mystery.
I don't know anymore
I don't know where to start. I already knew this. My heart feels tight and constricted. I feel like I can't breathe. Someones friend doesn't say that and not mean it. Watch out, he said. Be careful, he said. I've already put myself out on the line, how do I pull back from it? How do I confront him? I can't think. This is driving me nuts. My head hurts. I want to cry but I can't. I don't know what to do. I'm so lost. I feel like nothing is working. What is wrong with me? I feel like the world has ended and nothing has even happened yet. Its as if I have seen the future and its nothing good. THe world is on my shoulders, I'm no Atlas.
Sunday, September 26, 2004
Faith
I am constantly amazed at the faith of hte people in my life. So many attend a church and their faces when they look up at teh altar amaze me. Such hope and belief and an undefinable reverence in each one. It makes me believe, in something, a higher power, a superior being. How cold there not be one when so many believe in one? I am amazed.
Opening
So i'm sitting here confused about my love life...love life...ha, that non-existent thing I keep building up in my head. Why do I do that to myself? I keep building this false hope on menial little things that don't matter. Why did I let that boy come into my heart? He hasn't even done anything to me and I feel broken, broken into little pieces that HE won't pick up for me. I'm angry and sad at the same time, I can't listen to love songs, I want to cry and scream at the same time, I want to lean into his arms and weep then hit him on the head. Why didn't he come? I feel jilted and I've only known him for 3 weeks! This isn't fair. Where are his feelings? How come I'm here in pain? Why won't he call back. I'm lonely but I'm too young to be lonely.
I feel unloved sometimes. My self-esteem has holes in it. I'm so sick of acting all the time. I'm not a strong person. I cry when I'm yelled at. I'm tired of being depended on for everything. When did I become perfect? I'm not God. I can't be everywhere nor do everything. I wish I could. I want to be SuperWoman. I want the world. I want to feel fulfilled with everything. Good grief I want a lot. What have I given?
I feel unloved sometimes. My self-esteem has holes in it. I'm so sick of acting all the time. I'm not a strong person. I cry when I'm yelled at. I'm tired of being depended on for everything. When did I become perfect? I'm not God. I can't be everywhere nor do everything. I wish I could. I want to be SuperWoman. I want the world. I want to feel fulfilled with everything. Good grief I want a lot. What have I given?
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