Thanksgiving break is just ended and I have to say, it wasn't all that great. I mean it was wonderful seeing all my friends again (I wouldn't have traded that time for the world!!) But I don't know, the holidays just aren't feeling as celebratory as before. I love being "home" and everything, but while I'm there I miss being here at my other "home". I don't know if its the people or the place but I love it up here so much.
I think, in fact that I could live up here. I could stay in this little city, or in a little town somewhere up north here. I don't know though, leave my entire family and everything I've ever known? My mom did it, could I? I have this feeling that I could. And I guess I can always move back...but I don't know if I want to. *CONFUSED*
Paul doesn't help the situation much either. I mean I love him so much. I hate being far away from him so much. The miles and hours just seem to stretch and deepen, and suddenly I feel alone and floating free. I hated that feeling when I went back to my house. But as soon as I get within two hours of him I feel safe and secure and not so alone. Oy, I love him so. : D
Such confusion. I don't kow if I want to keep my major of ecology. But if I don't then what am I gonna do? So I got this Focus thing from the Academic and Career Advisement people...hopefully that will give me some ideas, or at least some careers to research.
~*Ery*~
P.S. This post was taken from a public one that I recently started. So I adjusted it a bit. Thats why its not written in my usual style. Hmmmm I haven't written in a while. Nothing really to tell. There used to be snow, but its all melted. Oh well, we'll get more, I have no doubt of that.
Monday, November 28, 2005
Thursday, November 10, 2005
Why?
Why must we live so far apart? Why must I miss him so much? Why can't I see him for two weeks? Why does my heart ache as I think of the longe weeks ahead of me? WHy can't it all work out perfectly? Why do I feel this deep down empty feeling? Why does it hurt? Why can't I write it down? Why do I love him so much it hurts? Why do I love him so much I can see it reflected in his eyes? Why does he love me so much? WHy is he everything I've ever wanted and needed?
I miss him so much. I want to cry. I can't cry, because I know I shouldn't an dI know it would dig deep into his heart to know I cried. I wote hima love letter. I gave it to him. He cried. I diddn't see it, but he told me. He told me no one has ever meant as much to him as I do. I feel the same way about him and it hurts when we're far away. I want to just forget for a while. I can't sleep because my mind won't shut down. It won't stop going around and around and reflecting on the fact that he is not next to me. That he can't squeeze me and make me feel better. I miss my love. I miss Paul. I feel like a blathering idiot. its been three days. I miss him because I know its not going to get any shorter. I'd be fine except we keep watching these movies where everyone falls in love nad lives happily ever after and hugs and kisses, and I have no one to share it with.
On the upside it snowed today and I was excited. Well I acted excited, I don't know if I trully was as excited as I acted. I do that sometimes. Act a certain way to cover up how I feel inside. I guess you could call it a way of protecting myself from feeling too much. I don't like that I do it, because sometimes I feel fake, but then again I was really happy about hte fleeting snow so maybe that was my true feeling. I don't want to leave it here. I miss my friends back home, but I could move here. I could live the rest of my life here. I don't know. I need to lay down and just pass out. I feel a change coming. I have a feeling its something good, but I feel it coming, I'm afraid.
I miss him.
~*Ery*~
I miss him so much. I want to cry. I can't cry, because I know I shouldn't an dI know it would dig deep into his heart to know I cried. I wote hima love letter. I gave it to him. He cried. I diddn't see it, but he told me. He told me no one has ever meant as much to him as I do. I feel the same way about him and it hurts when we're far away. I want to just forget for a while. I can't sleep because my mind won't shut down. It won't stop going around and around and reflecting on the fact that he is not next to me. That he can't squeeze me and make me feel better. I miss my love. I miss Paul. I feel like a blathering idiot. its been three days. I miss him because I know its not going to get any shorter. I'd be fine except we keep watching these movies where everyone falls in love nad lives happily ever after and hugs and kisses, and I have no one to share it with.
On the upside it snowed today and I was excited. Well I acted excited, I don't know if I trully was as excited as I acted. I do that sometimes. Act a certain way to cover up how I feel inside. I guess you could call it a way of protecting myself from feeling too much. I don't like that I do it, because sometimes I feel fake, but then again I was really happy about hte fleeting snow so maybe that was my true feeling. I don't want to leave it here. I miss my friends back home, but I could move here. I could live the rest of my life here. I don't know. I need to lay down and just pass out. I feel a change coming. I have a feeling its something good, but I feel it coming, I'm afraid.
I miss him.
~*Ery*~
Monday, November 07, 2005
Road Trip!!
Haha not really...well sort of, I don't know. Two hours doesn't seem like a long time when it takes 8 to get home. Anyway, thats really not the point I'm aiming for here. The point I'm going for is that I went driving to to Tech this weekend to see my beloved, Paul. And I had such a good time. I finally have faces and personalities to put with people that he talks about all the time. And they are all such great people, not hta tI wan't expecting that. Truth be told I was soooo nervous. As in, stomach tied up in knots for most of friday when I go there. I mean, you refriends are closer to his family sometimes and I just so much wanted to fit in, at least a little bit. And I did! His friends, are just as nice and fun as he had described them to me, and from what he told me online, they like me too! I guess they told him that he shouldn't give me up, and I told him that I agree. I love him so.
Oh, to leave the one you love. As I mentioned, watching him walk away was hard...leaving him though, was the hardest thing ever. I had to practically throw myself into the car to avoid falling apart. And I literally mean I was close to tears, as I have ever beeen in my life over a person. I mean, its a week, but its damn hard to leave him. And then to pull away. My heart aches now, just thinking about it. I mean, I was walking down the hallway tonight and I had this strange empty feeling that I couldn't quite put my finger one (I was "home" around all the people I know and love here at school why did I feel alone?) and then I realized, I didn't have Paul walking with me, talking to me holding my hand, chasing me while trying to pat my behind (long story...short version: everybody gets them if they bend over near him, I ge them just because he can and i let him) or tickle me. I was missing his nearness. It sucks. It sucks sucks sucks. I left him a love letter though. I know he got it because I told him where to find it when I talked to him online, well sorta. He found a pair of my shorts nad I told him to check under his pillow to make sure I didn't leave anything there either. So I know he'll find it since I left it under his pillow. I'm a nerd. I know. I just had to do it. I emailed him the post: I could love you. He was really happy. I was amazed to find out that even though we didn't say it to each other till a week later, he had told his friends that same week that I wrote that post that he thought he loved me. Crazy, huh.
Anywho. I'm bedding down because I have a 9 o'clock class and it is now 2 in the am and I should be sleeeeeping!!!
Oh, to leave the one you love. As I mentioned, watching him walk away was hard...leaving him though, was the hardest thing ever. I had to practically throw myself into the car to avoid falling apart. And I literally mean I was close to tears, as I have ever beeen in my life over a person. I mean, its a week, but its damn hard to leave him. And then to pull away. My heart aches now, just thinking about it. I mean, I was walking down the hallway tonight and I had this strange empty feeling that I couldn't quite put my finger one (I was "home" around all the people I know and love here at school why did I feel alone?) and then I realized, I didn't have Paul walking with me, talking to me holding my hand, chasing me while trying to pat my behind (long story...short version: everybody gets them if they bend over near him, I ge them just because he can and i let him) or tickle me. I was missing his nearness. It sucks. It sucks sucks sucks. I left him a love letter though. I know he got it because I told him where to find it when I talked to him online, well sorta. He found a pair of my shorts nad I told him to check under his pillow to make sure I didn't leave anything there either. So I know he'll find it since I left it under his pillow. I'm a nerd. I know. I just had to do it. I emailed him the post: I could love you. He was really happy. I was amazed to find out that even though we didn't say it to each other till a week later, he had told his friends that same week that I wrote that post that he thought he loved me. Crazy, huh.
Anywho. I'm bedding down because I have a 9 o'clock class and it is now 2 in the am and I should be sleeeeeping!!!
Wednesday, November 02, 2005
Panic
I think I paniced (that looks funny) there for a second. Wow. It was scary. But, then I talked to Paul, and just hearing his voice reassured me of my feelings for him. Either way, I think I'll have to tell him that I need to slow down a bit. That things are getting to serious too fast. I don't want to, but I have to. He'll understand, I know he will, I'm just scared.
On a lighter note, I'm so excited for this weekend. For starters, my friend Jeff (the guy I was seeing for a week back in December) is coming up to see a friend of his, and he's gonna stop by and hang with me for an hour or so. He'd chill with me longer since he'll be here all weekend but I'm going up to Tech to see Paul. Yea!! And I just found a ride today. I was so stressed because I hadn't found one yet, and then I called this girl and she's able to give me a ride and I'm excited.
I started a flickr account to post pictures on. I'm excited.
http://www.flickr.com/photos/erysheep
Come and see them...if you promise not to stalk me all will be well.
~*Ery*~
On a lighter note, I'm so excited for this weekend. For starters, my friend Jeff (the guy I was seeing for a week back in December) is coming up to see a friend of his, and he's gonna stop by and hang with me for an hour or so. He'd chill with me longer since he'll be here all weekend but I'm going up to Tech to see Paul. Yea!! And I just found a ride today. I was so stressed because I hadn't found one yet, and then I called this girl and she's able to give me a ride and I'm excited.
I started a flickr account to post pictures on. I'm excited.
http://www.flickr.com/photos/erysheep
Come and see them...if you promise not to stalk me all will be well.
~*Ery*~
Tuesday, November 01, 2005
Questions
Help.
I'm drowning. I don't know what to do, say, feel, express. I'm lost. I don't know what I'm doing. I can't find my way all alone. I'm not ready for this. Its too big. I'm retreating and I don't know why. I need to talk but I don't know how to say it. I need to tell him to slow down, but I can't seem to get off the train. Its barreling down on me so fast and I love him, but I'm running from his love at the same time. I don't know how to hold it inside me. I haven't given him a part of myself yet. I can feel it. There is too much inside me. Like there are one too many pieces. I want to give him that piece, I just don't know how. How do I trust in the unknown future? I don't know what to do. I want to tell him this, but I can't seem to find the words. Its all so physical, where do my words go? He is the one person that I should be able to talk to about anything, and yet I can't. That most secret part of me is only left open, here, on this blank page where no one judges. What if he judges? He won't, not to my face. I can't make myself believe that he won't do it inside, deep down where no one sees but him. Where did this mistrust come from? I hate it. Who left me and has since scarred me so deep that I can't even find the source of the distrust? Who judged me so long ago and so hurtfully that I can't get around their words?
Help.
How do I say slow down? How do I say I want you, but I can't? How do I explain that my mind, body, and heart are on different sides?
Help.
My mind and body are saying go on, its okay, you want this. My heart is saying wait wait wait...you want to wait...the time isn't right yet. Which side do I listen to? Society says to listen to my mind and body. My upbringing and faith say heart. Where is the line? Have I crossed it? Can I go back? Can I just spit it out like that?
Help.
Its not supposed to be easy. Is it supposed to be this hard? I don't know what to do. I don't know if what I'm feeling is normal. I just don't know. I just know that its dark, and I don't like how I feel right now. I don't like this unsure feeling. Isn't hte one thing you are sure of supposed to be your love?
Help.
~*Ery*~
I'm drowning. I don't know what to do, say, feel, express. I'm lost. I don't know what I'm doing. I can't find my way all alone. I'm not ready for this. Its too big. I'm retreating and I don't know why. I need to talk but I don't know how to say it. I need to tell him to slow down, but I can't seem to get off the train. Its barreling down on me so fast and I love him, but I'm running from his love at the same time. I don't know how to hold it inside me. I haven't given him a part of myself yet. I can feel it. There is too much inside me. Like there are one too many pieces. I want to give him that piece, I just don't know how. How do I trust in the unknown future? I don't know what to do. I want to tell him this, but I can't seem to find the words. Its all so physical, where do my words go? He is the one person that I should be able to talk to about anything, and yet I can't. That most secret part of me is only left open, here, on this blank page where no one judges. What if he judges? He won't, not to my face. I can't make myself believe that he won't do it inside, deep down where no one sees but him. Where did this mistrust come from? I hate it. Who left me and has since scarred me so deep that I can't even find the source of the distrust? Who judged me so long ago and so hurtfully that I can't get around their words?
Help.
How do I say slow down? How do I say I want you, but I can't? How do I explain that my mind, body, and heart are on different sides?
Help.
My mind and body are saying go on, its okay, you want this. My heart is saying wait wait wait...you want to wait...the time isn't right yet. Which side do I listen to? Society says to listen to my mind and body. My upbringing and faith say heart. Where is the line? Have I crossed it? Can I go back? Can I just spit it out like that?
Help.
Its not supposed to be easy. Is it supposed to be this hard? I don't know what to do. I don't know if what I'm feeling is normal. I just don't know. I just know that its dark, and I don't like how I feel right now. I don't like this unsure feeling. Isn't hte one thing you are sure of supposed to be your love?
Help.
~*Ery*~
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