Betrayed

Ever think you know someone, and then when you trip across them in the grass and the snake that they really are bites you? Well welcome to my day. Jay, my former best guy friend, the guy against whom I have compared every guy friend I've had to, turned out to be nothing more than a low down conniving player, who just befriended me, Nancy, and Jackie in the hopes of getting something more out of us. It didn't even matter who, he was willing to take whatever he could get and would have taken it without a second thought. But to back up and put the whole sordid details out on the table....

Nancy called me last nigth late, I had my phone turned off though and didn't get it until this morning. SHe sounded really upset, so I calle dher back and left a message. She calls me back after I get out of class and says she has a story to tell and I can't get angry. I'm thinking she got drunk and went to far with a guy...something simple like that. She tells me she hooked upo with Jay during the last few weeks of summer. (My initial reaction: yea thats great! My second reaction: wait, Jay tried to get with my during the last week of summer...this is not going to be good. ) She made sure he was over JAckie, stating many times that she didn't want him to be settling or using her to get over Jackie. TIme and aagian he reassured her that his intentions were good and that he really wanted her. He even said he would make time to go see her at State. Well while all this is going on the sleazebag is off giving Jackie flowers and trying to convince me to go into a :friends w/benefits" sort of deal. Lucky for everyone's sake I got uncomfortable at the last second and called to cancel...fine, he says, turns out Nanacy needed a ride so I don't know if I could have done it anyway. All three of us go out for dinner, he hugs me goodbye (the last time i'll see him till Thanksgiving) and "parked" otherwise knoown as making out, with Nancy. Hmmmm if the picture has not yet been made clear, none of us girls knows anything about what the others have been doing. Probably becaus ewe all knew, deep down that something was wrong, and also because Jay, our "trustworthy friend" told us that we should just keep everything between the two of us. SO. Nancy calls and tells me what she knows, I tell her about hte friends w/benefits deal and we conclude that our Jay is no longer, nor was ever, most likely, our friend. AND I FEEL BETRAYED, USED, HURT, SICK, AND STUPID!

I can't explain how much this hurts. I took Jay to my fucking prom. Half of my desk pictures contain him. My swim season is littered with images and thoughts of him. He shitted all over my senior year. How many signs did I miss? They say dogs and young children have the best perceptions of people....well we missed that one. Mo, Nancy's 3 yr old sister, cries whenever she sees Jay...no, not just cries, runs and hides and wails when she sees him. The first time my dog ever saw Jay, he barked...he never barks, he barked at Jay for the first three visits, then he just sort of gave up. We always thought it was odd that we never really met any of Jay's friends...but then we just figured they didn't want to see us, an odd thing considering that they went to an all guys school and Jay had three singel female friends. Turns out they really didn't like him that much. I know this because I talked to Brendan while we were seeing each other, and he told me. But I just dismissed it, regular guy stuff, bashing on each other. No.
Apparently, its easier to get all the girls, if you never share them.

I don't know what to say right now. There is nothing to say. He doesn't even know that we all know. I want to hurt him so much right now. I want to hurt him like he hurt me. I want him to feel this gaping gash he left in my heart when I had to tear him out, since he apparently never heldany of us trully in his. I made him one of my best friends. I bragged about him, I told stories about him, I held him up, on a pedestal, that was unreachable to any other guys who simply wanted to be friends, they would never reach his perfect status. And the pedestal broke. And it fell on me, and Nancy, and Jackie. And now when we need each other so much...we are so far away. And it hurts to cry, because I know he's not worth it. But I cry I guess for what was lost. Something I held on to so tight, and loved so much just died. And I feel like I have been kicked in the stomach.

Thats all for today. I'm gonna go cry in my bed. Please, send me some love, but don't tear it away.

~*Ery*~

P.S. Paul saved the male race in my mind today, simply by giving me something to hold onto, even though he was too far away for me to cry on his shoulder.

Anniversary!!!

Hey! I love this thing! I would like to draw attention to my first post ever...Opening...from exactly one year ago. I would like to draw attention to the fact that I am so much happier than I was when I started this. At least today I am, who knows what tomorrow will bring, if keeping this has taught me anything its that I am dynamic in my moods, I don'tknow what I want, and I like it that way. I've grown so much in this past year. New experiences, people, home, the list goes on. Its insane. I mean when I started this it was literally because I din't want to burden people with my thoughts anymore. But now its become so much more. Its a good firend, one that always listens (even when all I have to say is that I had chips for breakfast...I don't think I've ever actually written that, but whatever). ANd yes I know I started this writing this to no one in particular, and that is still true, but to you who read and comment on my blog I thank thee, your comments are such a pick-me-up on the bad days and a joy on the good ones. I've been planning this "anniversary" entry for a little while because I was so excited by the fac that I kept up with it for so long. I mean a whole year? Thats some hardcore commitment there, for me the lady who commits to nothing. But as i have become very fond of saying: go with the flow. I've stopped trying to control every little thing that happens in my life. So with that said:

~*Ery*~

P.S. I'll have more details on Paul ( :) ) later I promise!!

Beach Party!

Well last night was great! To start things off, Paul is here!! Yup he came down from Tech to see me! Ok now to end a sentence with out an exclamation point. Heehee. Anyway, we went out with his friends Brandon and Holly, and some other people from their dorm. We went to this little beach where there was a keg party going on and...alright right now Paul is on his way over and I'm severly distracted. I can't write right now because I know that he is coming. Yea! I let this slip, though, he asked me out last night, and I said yes. So I officially am going out with Paul. There has been a very happy smile pasted on my face for a while. Just so you know. Maybe I'll finish this later when I'm not on pins and needles!

~*Ery*~

P.S. Red = Passion and Nothing in the world has ever been accomplished without passion!

Cliff Jump!

So I promised this picture in my First Day post but until now I have not had the picture. But I made Tall Pat send it to me and here it is. Fun fun fun. Its too small for you to tell but I'm mid scream here because I was scared the first time. It was so exhilarating!! SO yeah that is me in the air...legs flying arms crossed, because you gotta keep that suit on! ANd hmmmmmm THat was a great day.

On an updating sortof note...the toilet is fixed!!! Or at least we think so...the plumbers said to use it and one of them will check back tomorrow so we shall see. Unfortunately if its not fixed he said it would have to come off the wall and that would be bad. Prayers for ma toilette!

~*Ery*~

J'aime l'Universitie!

:) :) :) I love college! Thats what my title says...but in french. I love college. Its so fun and freeing and I feel like I'm realizing thins about myself and others and I'm having trouble writing them down for some reason right now. So I'll just post this and make another post later.

~*Ery*~

P.S. Smile someone loves you

P.P.S. Have you ever had a first kiss between thumbs? You should try it. Its fun. Who is this "you" that I'm writing to? I don't know. I'm going nuts, not really. Bye!

Why I like Tech

I like Tech because Paul goes there. Who is Paul? Paul is a guy from Tech. (heehee this is fun) And I like him much-es. So in the spirit of actually telling this story here we go.

Well it all began when I lost my ID card...technically it all began when God said begin but whatever. I was rushing back into my hall's lobby to see if it somehow got lost while I was doing back flips off the couch (ok you know how you can sit on the bck of a couch and flip backwards twoards the cushions and then land on your feet on the ground...? Well thats what I was doing.). So I rushed in didn't find it and was in the process of rushing back to the Den so I could eat before my food got cold...weh I saw my neighbor Marc walking towards me with this guy. This guy was/is Paul. I already knew this though because Marc told me that his friend Paul was coming down to visit from Tech. So I stopped rushing for a moment and said my hellos, then explained what I has doing and left.

Later on when us girls got back from dinner we stopped next door and said hello to the males sitting in the room. And subsequently went to the PEIF and then had a dance party in the hallway of our dorm...which amused everyone who was walking by, including the RA. So at about midnight the RA came back and annonced that since it was quiet hours we had to go back to a room so that others could do whatever they needed to do during quiet hours. So we went and started watching the Scorpion King. Well everyone but Paul and I decided that they wanted to go to Walmart. So they left us. Ok this is boring and I'm just gonna make this a bunch faster because all of these mundane details are not necessary. Everyone came back, we all took a walk through campus. Marc and Timnah went to bed. Cortney, Pat (a different Pat than the one who I was wailing over the other day, who lives downstairs from us), Paul and Me walked to the beach and watched the sunrise...it was cold and I got to snuggle with Paul.

Homecoming -- We got to the game. We win. We go to the dance. Paul sort of kind of picked me up. As in him and Brandon and Holly came and stopped by our dorm which was on the way and we all walked over together. Paul and I danced for a bout an hour. Then TImanh and COrtney found a party to go to, I stayed with Paul to go back to Brandon's room and hangout with his friends. Well since Holly and I don't like the taste of beer we just watched as the guys talked and laughed and drank. It was so sweet, though, Paul and I sat on this little love seat pod chair thing and just cuddled while everything was going on. I love cuddling. THen we had our first kiss. Hmmm I love the first kiss. It was just a little peck but it was so sweet and right there in front of everyone...yeah I'm beginning to think I'm a bit of an exhibitionist. Anywho. Around 6:30 am we were both faling asleep in the chair so we begged Holly to clear off her bed (since Holly was staying in Brandon's bed and we were in hers) so we could go to sleep. Hmmmm I do enjoy sleeping with boys...that sounds really bad, I literally just mean sleeping. I always feel so warm and safe. Its lovely. So we went to sleep and yeah. We woke up around noonish and erm mad out for an hour or so. Heehee...makes me giggly. He does this thing with his tongue (details are so not necessary but I'm including them anyway...well just this one) where he just licks my lips really soft...*shivers* thats all I can say.

Alright so around 1:30 I was feeling guilty about not being home and ummmm not calling TImnah to let her know where I was (bad roommate that I am). So I made Paul get up and walk me home. There wasn't much forcing I just said you wanna take a walk back to my dorm and he said ok. So he walked me back and we had breakfast (ok technically it was about mid afternoon snack time but if you go by the basic definiton of the word breakfast it was that time) with Cortney... which soon turned into breakfast with TImnah and Courtney and Emily and Pat. I got a lot of flack for staying the night with Paul, but all in good fun. They all know that we're both virgins (because it came up and yes! I'm soooo happy about that fact about him) and that I wouldn't do anything before marraige, especially with a guy I just met. So anyway yeah he came back up to my room and we cuddled some more but he said he had to go back down campus to see the people he came down to see (which is totally cool). And ummm yeah I was a bit sad becasue I just figured he was gonna leave to go home and I wouldn't see him again this trip. But they had dinner at our caf! And I saw him when we had dinner! And he came over and hugged me and held my hands! And I was so happy! We kissed some more out in the quad and then he stayed for our campus movie. He walked me back to my room (even though we were with a group of people and he didn't have to) but we stood in my doorway and we determined that we would call each other. Yea!

Ok I'm in such a good mood! I just am! And ummm yeah I'm totally feeling the whole I change my mind a lot thing. Because I was wailing (literally) about Tall Pat (from this poin ton to be referred to using this epithet to differentiate between Tall Pat that I used to like and the Pat from downstairs...thus no epithet for him) and nowI'm raving and smiling and pleased as a cucumber about Paul. Yea! And ummmm yeah thats about it. WE gave each other a cold...what a thing to remember someone by, huh. But I talked to him online and he said that if I gave it to him it was worth it. Which is a cheesy line but I fell for it, loved it and told him so. He sent backa smiley face. Hee Ho Hummm Good DAys!!

~*Ery*~

Love all around!!

Waaaaaaaaaaaaaaiiiiiiiiiiiiiillll!

I'm wailing inside. But I can't let it show. I hate that. This false face I have to put forward. So that I'm not too exposed. BUt here I can let it all out. Even though its hard to do that here still. Because I feel like this is just some depository for bad feelings. Even though its not. And even though thats the whole reason I started this thing anyway. Ok so I'm wailing because I now know that Pat doesn't like me. He likes someone else. I don't know who but that is not the point. The point is that its not me. And I'm sad.

We went dancing yesterday (not we as in me and him he just happened to be there andI came with some differnt people). And I can't lie. I was dancing with this guy totally to make him wish he had me. Which is awful. And petty. And I don't even like admitting it to myself but I looke dlutty and whorish for nothing becasue I find out today that he doesn't like me like that. And I could have kissed the guy I dancded with but I didn't want Pat to think I really liked that guy incase there was some small chance that he liked me. Because to come that close and then mess everything up by letting my hormones get in the way would make me really mad. But now I wish I had let the hormones get their way. Becasue nowI'm not only sad but unsatsified too.
Not to say that we would have done anything more than make out but thats all I want. I'm looking for love in the wrong places. I know that. I keep trying to tell myself that but I don't seem to want to listen. It sucks. I guess I'll just have to deal with what happens. I just go withthe damn flow. I'm back to flowing.

I'm gonna go put on my whore's make-up. Not that its really whore make-up...I just feel like I'm always trying to "catch" a guy, and do I really want that guy who only thinks I'm pretty if I'm made-up. I don't know. Good bye for now

~*Ery*~

Dorm Time Fun

Heehee. Our wall mates are so fun! Marc and Keith rock (out)! We caught them yesterday "starting a war" with the girls across from them...which is odd since they were taping a plastic cup to their doorknob...scary. And on it they were going to write: We love your nobs! I was amused. And told them so. They were giggling like 11 yr old girls writing notes in class. It was great. Then today Timnah and I are sitting in our room and out of no where we hear "Baby Got Back" come wailing out of their room, and when we poke our heads in the door there is Keith singing his heart out. I mean he had arms flying and was rocking back in his chair...it was amazing. SO we went back into our room and turned up Chicago and had a mini war. It was fun. I love dorms! They are so much fun, everyone is all nice and bent on screwing with each other. Practical jokes are things you just watch out for, because you might be the one who ends up with a room ful of snow if you aren't careful. Thats right, last year Marc and Keith filled up their suitemates room with about a foot of snow in their entryway. Crazyness.

"I love it when you call my name" ~ Charlotte Church

"You don't fuck with Thor."
" Why can't they just call it fucking small medium and large!" (in reference to Starbucks...and not related at all to Greek myths)
~ My Mythology prof, Austin

Just some fun-ness that I had to share. I just love somethings sometimes....that didn't make that much sense.

~*Ery*~

The next day

Well hello Ery how was your night? Well it consisted of my getting totally smashed and puking three times. Overall a memory I won't forget, yes I do still have some memory...most of it actually, its just all really fuzzy. But to tell the whole story...I believe the whole story should be told for those who like me before yesterday have never gotten drunk, so that they know what to expect.

Alright well it all started when Timnah called me up from down campus becasue she found a buyer. So Eric and I (Eric is this guyI met who lives in our hall, he is currently sleeping on our chair becasue he didn't go home yesterday) came walking back up. Gave TImnah the money and off her and Cortney went with this random Andy she found. SO they come back with a 24 pack of Budweiser (kay for the record I don't know a damn thing about beer. I jjust know that I drank two Miller high lifes on FRiday night and they were nasty...all I know is that Budweiser apparently has a higher alcohol content...whatever I was too far gone by the time thjey told me that). We snuck the stuff into the room (there is nothing strange about doing a lot of homework at 12 in the morning) and put it in the fridge. Well in the fridge and then one to everyone there. And then we started to drink. I don't like the taste of beer though...so I drank fast, not chug fast but faster than one normally drinks a beer. And thus I guzzled down five in a little over an hour. And let me tell whoever wants to listen after five I was done. I cut myself off, why? becasueI couldn't remember how to swallow, the function was gone...that is why. But to give some more details:

1st: not feeling too much, little happier, Andy left after his first one...I supppose he just stayed to be nice.

2nd: There we go now I know I'm drinking something. I also have amazed everyone by drinking it the fastest. Thought: how long can I beat everyone? Thought: I don' t know lets try.

3rd: I can't specifically remember the third butI think this is when I changed out of my jeans. I just sort of stripped down and put on some shorts...yeah I was still in the lead and I was still doing ok, I should have stopped here but I didn't.

4th: Whoa things are moooooving. I was so not there at this point. I'm a happy drunk we discovered and everything was funny. Like fall on the ground and roll around funny. Nothing was that funny I can tell you that right now, but it seemed like it to me. Again I sooooo should have stopped here...but I was still winning but not by much so I had another one (note to self: do not not not try to out drink people who have done it before and are male...I won't win)

5th: About this time I forgot how to swallow. Which sounds absolutly retarded but I couldn't get the motions right. Like open mouth but keep throat closed...close mouth...open throat intiate swallow motions...burp becasue thats what beer makes ya do. I don't know I finished the beer but by this point Eric had passed me and Dustin had cut me off. Deep down somewhere I still wanted to keep going but I knew I couldn't. Alright and here is where things got interesting. I was weaving and giggling and I decided to call Josh and Jay. So I did. And Josh laughed at me. And I left a message for Jay. He called me back and I called him back and finally we had a connection. He told me he was gonna get me drunk when I came home for Thanksgiving...I won't lie, I'm excited. I love Jay so much, he just makes me so happy. But anyway. So we hung up andI crawled into the bathroom.

Thats right I had to crawl because I couldn't get up and walk the two steps to get there. ANd then I got sick. I'm just gonna leave the details out but lets just say I went in three times. And on the third time I royally messed up the toilet. This is because I some how managed to take the thing that you put hte toilet paper roll on off ( I was gonna restock the toilet paper) however it slipped out of my hand and straight into the currently flushing toilet...ummm yeah right straight down. The odds of that happening have to be so slim its ridiculous. I literally sat down and thought oh shit...then I started to laugh because I have to admit its pretty funny if you think about it. So I told Dustin who said it would be fine and then I passed out until 11:30 the next day.

When I woke up I was so queasy. It sucked. I had to eat and wanted to just sit and do nothing. I felt so crappy. I felt this way for ummmyeah about 5 hrs. It was no fun. I'm really not looking forward to getting that trashed anytime soon. So I think I might not drink until Thanksgiving when I go out with Jay. Who knows, I just know that it is not fun to loose that much control. I mean yeah I was happy. But I was also all over the place. I was also with people I've only known at the most like three weeks. So maybe it'll be better at an actual party or with people I know. *Shrug*

So the toilet. Yeah its messed up. Ummm its clogged and I'm pretty sure its because of that thing I flushed. TImnah went downstairs to get a plunger...and the guysown there was liek why? So she explained what her "over-beveraged" roomy did and he laughed. He then told her to fill out a work order form. Poor Chuck the maitenance guy, that has to be a majorly sucky job. Oh well.

Thats all.

~*Ery*~

Frolic frolic frolic!

Weeee! Fun times. I'm a swinger! Heehee a swing dancer that is. Yup I joinged the swing club yesterday with the girl across the hall, Emily, and now we are officially members. I'm sooooo excited. I called my mom yesterday as soon as I got home (well to the room, whatever) to tell her that I needed her to send my character shoes up, since I'll now be needing them every thursday! Now I just need to find a partner. Well I have a partner for next week kbut I don't know if I wan thim to always be my partner. See, its Dustin. And I would really prefer to find some really cute guy or someone that I like a bit more than him to be my dancing partner. So that is my mission, that is what is going to help me become more assertive (since that is something else I realized I needed to do). I'm going to meet people and we are going to have fun and its going to be a blast.

Just talked to Timnah about Brendan...I still kind of have a crush on him I think. Just a little one. I don't know, like, I had a dream the other night about calling him and we became good friends. I guess thats really what I want, I miss just being able to have another guy friend. Oh well, maybe I'll call him at the end of the month to find out how his classes are going. Maybe. We'll see.

So this weekend I believe I will finally take part in an age old college ritual, I'm going to get raging drunk. Mostly just becaue I haven't done it before. Hopefully this will kill the curiosity. Or just allow me to stop thinking about what it would feel like, because I have never done anything like that beforefore and I would just like to experience this at least once when its still illegal. I mean, yeah its going to be illegal for a couple more years but almostall of my friends have done it (including Nancy) and I want to join in. Yes, I know I'm majorly giving into peer pressure, and putting myself in danger of getting in trouble with the police, but I don't care. Ok I lie. I do care and it does worry me, but then at the same time I think, why should I wait? WAit to have some experience so I know what will happen later. I don't know I think I shall just go out and drink and then think about it later. Whatever.

_____________________________________
Word of the Day: quaff \KWOFF; KWAFF\, Transitive verb: To drink with relish; to drink copiously of; to swallow in large draughts. Intransitive verb: To drink largely or luxuriously. Noun: A drink quaffed

Hmmmm mildly ironic, no?

~*Ery*~

Hmmmm

I don' t know if I'm happy right now. I can't decide. Although there is a shirts and skins football game going on outside my window right now. Heehee.

Yeah so last night we finally got out of the dorms and went to a party. It was fun. Timnah, me and Pat went and we had such a good time. What was even better is that I didn't drink and neither did Timanh (Pat did but I considered it so whatever). But we had such a good time. Mostly because we got into a "drunk" mood. We just acted drunk and it was great. We managed to fool about 4 people for sure into thinking we drank, we are such good pretend drunkards.

But to that not sure if I'm happy thing. I'm jsut not sure. I mean I'm making friends and stuff but I'm not sure if I'm where I want to be. Errrrrgh. Having trouble expressing myself. Ok. I like the friends I have but I want to make more. There thats it. I've only been here a little over aweek though so I just have to be patient. It feels like its been awhile though. I miss my friends back home, people like Jen who I would see almost everyday and then Jackie and Nancy seem so far away. Mostly becaus eI'm so far away. Why did I go so far? SO I could start over as the person I want to be...and whatI've found is that I don't know who I want to be. I'm coming out of yshell more, which is something I've been trying to do for a long time, but I still have this prblem with being nice to people I don't really like. I don't know, its just that sometimes I just wish I could say, stop I don't like you, go away. But then there are people who are ok but I don't like them a whole ton and just want them to stop always acting like they are my best friend. Case in point, Dustin. I think he's a nice guy and everything but I really don't like him that much. He jsut grinds on my nerves. Blah. I just have to deal with it since he is Pat's suitemate. And I really like seeing Pat.

On that note, I gave Pat a kiss on the cheek yesterday, granted he was a wee bit buzzed and who knows what it meant to him, but I did give him one and it made me happy. *Big grin* hmmm yeah. Thats all I have to say.

Wait now its not. Sam, I loved that U-shaped pillow thing. I was greatly amused and literally burst out laughing, so much so that my roomy Timnah asked what was up and I had to explain. We both agree that though odd its actually a pretty good idea...thinking of investing...probably not though.

I've slacked so much on my Words of the Day...its just difficult because I have to copy paste but here is the one for today.

_______________________________________
Word of the Day: deride \dih-RYD\, transitive verb: To laugh at with contempt; to subject to ridicule or make sport of; to mock; to scoff at.

I never knew that this was actually what this word meant. I'm not sure what I thought it meant but this wasn't it, I think it had something to do with a car...like you could deride a car by jumoing in front of it or something....I don't know.

~*Ery*~

Bored on a Friday Night

Yawn. This is not right. Its Friday, September 2, 2005 and I have nothing to do and nowhere to go. I'm so bored. Its freaking labor day weekend and I'm contemplating doing my English homework for Wed. because I have nothing better to do. Not that that would be the worst but its still a friday night and my friends back in high school had stuff going on and I don't....thats soooo wrong. I'm the college student!!!! Ok enough whining.

Yeah so umm I don't know what to put here. I can't seem to remember what I wrote the last time. I feel like I've totally abandoned my poor little blog and I miss it. I miss writing stuff down al the time. But I also like the feeling of having to catch up on something. Ok so I already told about Pat, but I feel like I don't know. I want something. I want a man. I want to go and have a couple drinks tomorrow. I want to feel some affection, some warmth, anything. My firend Dustin maybe an option. But that is totally settling and not cool and hurtful. But he is really nice and a trully cool guy, I might like him too...I think I'm in male shock. I feel like I'm just salivating over any guy who gets close to me and smells good. Heehee Oh well

I'm gonna go read the Iliad for my really cool English class. Woot Woot for testing out of French and getting in to an English class that reads classic Greek literature with a cool prof.

~*Ery*~