End of Semester

The end of semester...sucks, just for the record. I hate it so much. This is the only time in the whole time I've been here that I've felt truly crappy. I just want this weekend and next week to be over. I have finals all next week and a party on Saturday and work saturday and sunday. Its never so much that I want to go home, I'm just sick of learning stuff right now. I need a break from worrying about grades and papers and projects. And this week has been a rough one for Paul and I.

It started off with me being uncomfortable with something he told me while we were drinking on Saturday night. He told me that he could see himslef spending the rest of his life with me and having children with me. And I'm just not comfortable with that. I mean, I'm 18, I can't even be thinking about that stuff yet. Even if I do love him. I mean, its only been three months. But then, at the same time, it scares me. Because I just can't bring myself to take that final jump of faith. That final leap into the great unknown with him. So we had to discuss that, but he left early so I couldn't talk to him till monday, and even then it was online which is not what I wanted at all. But it had to be that way because face-to-face time can't happen till next week. Then today it was his turn to have a problem. Well technically it was both our problems both times but anyway. On Sunday, after the campus movie, Timnah, Marc, Ben and I were waiting to go to McDonalds in Marc's room. While we were waiting we were all kind of goofying off and in the process several pictures were taken of Ben and I. All clothing was on and everything, but the positions were "compromising" lets say. Let me say right now, that as soon as the camera became involved I became aware that I didn't really feel comfortable with the situation. But I didn't really have a good reason for saying anything. So when Ben asked for the pictures to post I sent them. Well Paul saw them and it made him feel really really insecure. On top of it he had already had a bad day. So when he IM'd me and told me my whole world felt like it caved in. I felt like I had been cruel and unthoughtful of his feelings. I immediatly made Ben remove the pictures. But I still feel like the worst girlfriend in the world. I guess I just hadn't realized that I'm taken, and that means not taking anything for granted. So now more than anything I just wish I could get to Tech so I could just hug him and tell him how truly apologetic I am. I would cry if I saw him right now, just break down in his arms.

And this weekend I just don't feel up to doing anything but of course I have to work on Saturday for six hours then have a going away party for Marc after which I have to be up by 9 for another 6 hours of work. THe next week is finals, which is going to be awful till Thursday afternoon. After 2 I'm done. Paul will be coming down and I can just stop caring so much. All of us still here are going dancing and then I don't know, its just relaxation till Sunday morning when I go home.

Ok. I'm done for now, but I had to let it all out. Holding it in doesn't really work too well for me.

~*Ery*~