Its about my stupid email. It won't work! Apparently it is too big? I don't know jack about the internet so this is very frustrating. I can check my email through iGoogle, but I can't specifically get to Gmail. This wouldn't be such a pain if I didn't have a signature that I would prefer didn't go to my official contacts. Grrrr.
Ok, so Paul and I aren't in a cruddy cycle. It's more just a cycle that keeps getting eaier to deal with. We got in yet another fight about how I feel about he treats me. That being said, I'm not being mistreated or hurt in any way. My consistant feeling is one of having my feelings ignored or just not recognized. I feel sometimes like Paul doesn't really pay attention to my moods or perceive what I'm feeling. In his defense I'm not the most verbal about what's wrong. My reason behind that is that after 3 years I feel like there are somethings he should just pick up on. We talked. So far things have been better. I told him I needed to see long term, consistent efforts towards being attentive and in return I will continue trying to verbally express my feelings to him. We love each other and that's really the most important part to the whole equation. The trick is expressing that love.
Lots of Love,
~*Ery*~
Showing posts with label argument. Show all posts
Showing posts with label argument. Show all posts
Wednesday, March 18, 2009
Tuesday, June 19, 2007
11pm Update
So, one would think, based upon what I wrote earlier, that a response was coming. At the very least, an acknowldgment of what transpired would occur. Well, we've been home together for 1.5 hours now and the only hint I have that he even touched my note is... it is sitting on the nightstand instead of in the middle of the bed. Yup. Not an email, a letter, a word, nothing. I want to say something, but at the same time I don'twant to nag. I want him to know that he has time to get his ideas and thoughts in order...but it would be nice if he could at least acknowledge me and say that he'll get something to me tomorrow or Thursday, or something.
This is exactly what I'm frustrated by. We're watching t.v. and he's playing video games like nothing happened. He's trying to pet me and be cuddle-y but as much as I want that right now, I just can't. There's so much other stuff in the way that is just being avoided. I don't know why he can't just talk to me.
Lots of Love,
~*Ery*~
This is exactly what I'm frustrated by. We're watching t.v. and he's playing video games like nothing happened. He's trying to pet me and be cuddle-y but as much as I want that right now, I just can't. There's so much other stuff in the way that is just being avoided. I don't know why he can't just talk to me.
Lots of Love,
~*Ery*~
Living Together...
... is hard. I don't even know what to do anymore. Yesterday Paul and I got into a huge fight about nothing, really. It was about old things that he just doesn't seem to be understanding when I tell him. So here is the scene:
I left for work yesterday at 9:30am. Paul was still asleep, so I gave him a kiss, said goodbye and I love you and left. When I got home at 3:45pm he was already at work and had just missed a call from a friend. So I called Marc (the friend) back to tell him that Paul was working and to see if it was anything urgent. Since it wasn't, we said good-bye and that was that. So I spent the rest of my afternoon/evening watching t.v. and doing some organizing that I've been putting off since I moved in. When Paul got home at 10 I was quite happy, gave him a big hug and kiss and said I would go with him back to the movie store to drop off the rented movie, since I had missed him all day.
While we are walking to the car I ask him about his day and how the rain affected him, etc. Then I remebered that Marc called, right as we got in the car. So I told him, and he asked what Marc wanted I said ," I don't know..."
and paused so I could turn down the radio so I wouldn't have to yell over it. Paul said something to the effect of," You always do that when you get in, you always turn down the radio."
Now I wouldn't be upset by this, but I thought it made sense to turn down the noise so I could talk to him, since I hadn't seen him all day. But I was ticked that he didn't know that. So I turned the radio back up and finished what I was saying, "...but he said it wasn't important and he left you a message. Which I was going to say before you hollered at me."
This was said quite loudly (since the radio was loud and I was mad) and I said the word hollered, I remember distinctly. And Paul said nothing. So I turned the radio up a little more and went back to sitting quietly. He didn't say anything the entire way to the video store. So while he dropped off the movie I turned the radio up more and waited for him to need to say something. He immediately got in and started to say something, paused and turned down the radio.
So I, a bit nastier than was really necessary I'll admit, said, "Oh, is the radio too loud?"
"Nevermind," he said and sat stoically looking out the windsheild and driving.
So I apologized for snapping and said, "Please tell me what you were going to say."
And he said, "it doesn't matter," and stopped talking to me.
So now I'm pissed because the whole thing is reeeling out of control because he didn't respond to me from the get go. So I say (again, a bit nastier than necessary), "Or we could play it this way...with you not talking to me"
To which he finally responds. He speaks a bit louder than normal (not a yell) and goes on about how he didn't know that I was upset and that he thought the whole thing was over.
What I don't see, is how he thought that. I don't know how I could make myself more clear outside of saying, "I'm mad at you for not letting me finish my statement." Which I guess, in reality is not that big of a deal. But I just think that he, as the person who should know me best and kind of understand my tones and changes in attitude, should be able to tell when I'm a little pissed. Which I tried to explain to him, but he didn't respond to that. No, he kept saying that he apologized and what else do I want. I want him to to apologize when things happen. Not after the fact. Not after I have to start a fight with him to let him know something is wrong. I mean, I know he's not a mind reader, but something like me yelling over the radio and saying that he hollered at me should provoke, at the very least, an: "I didn't know you weren't finished, I'm sorry," sort of response. I mean, to just sit there in silence and assume that since he was wrong + I corrected him = no apology doesn't make any sense to me. That's all I really wanted; for him to see that he was wrong and hurt me (a little tiny bit, like making me bump my toe) and then apologize.
Why can't he see that?
So now I'm raging mad, because he can't understand me. So now I'm crying and I can't explain myself. So I left. I got out of the car as soon as we got home and when he asked what was wrong (because I hadn't been trying to explain it to him in the car or anything, gah!) I just said that I needed to take a walk and calm down. I mean, I was bordering on hysterics. So its 11pm and I'm walked and cried my way to the beach where I sat and cried for about 5 minutes then I walked back. I decided that I was going to talk calmly to him and get the whole thing settled. But when I got home, I found him, sitting on the bed playing video games and really not even caring about what had just happened. Not really caring that I'm wandering about by myself for the past 15 minutes in the dark. So I went back downstairs and hid in the closet and cried there. I was in the closet for at least a half hour, before he came down. And it wasn't to find me (at least I don't think it was). He was hungry or thirsty or something, and since I wasn't anywhere to be found he started looking for me. When he found me in the closet (again, clearly upset) he just asked if I was going to hide in the closet all night. He didn't ask why I was in the closet, or if I was ok, just if I was going to stay there.
It so happened that I had decided to write him a note explaining some of what was going on since he clearly didn't want to talk to me about anything. So I told him that, and that I was in the closet (not that he had asked) because I had wanted some privacy, away from people accidentally walking in on me ( which I suppose could have seem directed at him, but I didn't mean it to be). So he left.
I gave him the note a bit later and in it I said that I would appreciate it very much if he could respond to me. By talking (a prefered method) a letter, a song whatever etc. I haven't heard back from him yet. The last I heard he went to bed without coming down to say goodnight, or I love you or anything. Like he didn't really need me or want me at all. When I went to bed I said I love you and kissed him on the cheek. He rolled over and I thought maybe he was awake so I watched him and he woke up just then. He said he loved me too, and rolled over and went back to sleep.
And the funnything is: I didn't even tell him about the apology thing in my note. Of course not. Because in the big picture, its not about apologizing. Its about realizing when I'm upset, or really excited and then acting on that. At the very least asking if I feel that way. I don't think I would be this upset if there weren't other, similar instances where he just didn't seem to make that extra effort to care about what I was feeling. Almost as if my feelings were there, but they in no way affect anything he does or says. I'm not an island. We're supposed to be a team and teams are intuitive about their other members feelings after being together for over a year anda half. Why is this a hard concept? Is it supposed to be this hard? I just don't get it.
Sorry this is long and rambly.
Lots of Love,
~*Ery*~
I left for work yesterday at 9:30am. Paul was still asleep, so I gave him a kiss, said goodbye and I love you and left. When I got home at 3:45pm he was already at work and had just missed a call from a friend. So I called Marc (the friend) back to tell him that Paul was working and to see if it was anything urgent. Since it wasn't, we said good-bye and that was that. So I spent the rest of my afternoon/evening watching t.v. and doing some organizing that I've been putting off since I moved in. When Paul got home at 10 I was quite happy, gave him a big hug and kiss and said I would go with him back to the movie store to drop off the rented movie, since I had missed him all day.
While we are walking to the car I ask him about his day and how the rain affected him, etc. Then I remebered that Marc called, right as we got in the car. So I told him, and he asked what Marc wanted I said ," I don't know..."
and paused so I could turn down the radio so I wouldn't have to yell over it. Paul said something to the effect of," You always do that when you get in, you always turn down the radio."
Now I wouldn't be upset by this, but I thought it made sense to turn down the noise so I could talk to him, since I hadn't seen him all day. But I was ticked that he didn't know that. So I turned the radio back up and finished what I was saying, "...but he said it wasn't important and he left you a message. Which I was going to say before you hollered at me."
This was said quite loudly (since the radio was loud and I was mad) and I said the word hollered, I remember distinctly. And Paul said nothing. So I turned the radio up a little more and went back to sitting quietly. He didn't say anything the entire way to the video store. So while he dropped off the movie I turned the radio up more and waited for him to need to say something. He immediately got in and started to say something, paused and turned down the radio.
So I, a bit nastier than was really necessary I'll admit, said, "Oh, is the radio too loud?"
"Nevermind," he said and sat stoically looking out the windsheild and driving.
So I apologized for snapping and said, "Please tell me what you were going to say."
And he said, "it doesn't matter," and stopped talking to me.
So now I'm pissed because the whole thing is reeeling out of control because he didn't respond to me from the get go. So I say (again, a bit nastier than necessary), "Or we could play it this way...with you not talking to me"
To which he finally responds. He speaks a bit louder than normal (not a yell) and goes on about how he didn't know that I was upset and that he thought the whole thing was over.
What I don't see, is how he thought that. I don't know how I could make myself more clear outside of saying, "I'm mad at you for not letting me finish my statement." Which I guess, in reality is not that big of a deal. But I just think that he, as the person who should know me best and kind of understand my tones and changes in attitude, should be able to tell when I'm a little pissed. Which I tried to explain to him, but he didn't respond to that. No, he kept saying that he apologized and what else do I want. I want him to to apologize when things happen. Not after the fact. Not after I have to start a fight with him to let him know something is wrong. I mean, I know he's not a mind reader, but something like me yelling over the radio and saying that he hollered at me should provoke, at the very least, an: "I didn't know you weren't finished, I'm sorry," sort of response. I mean, to just sit there in silence and assume that since he was wrong + I corrected him = no apology doesn't make any sense to me. That's all I really wanted; for him to see that he was wrong and hurt me (a little tiny bit, like making me bump my toe) and then apologize.
Why can't he see that?
So now I'm raging mad, because he can't understand me. So now I'm crying and I can't explain myself. So I left. I got out of the car as soon as we got home and when he asked what was wrong (because I hadn't been trying to explain it to him in the car or anything, gah!) I just said that I needed to take a walk and calm down. I mean, I was bordering on hysterics. So its 11pm and I'm walked and cried my way to the beach where I sat and cried for about 5 minutes then I walked back. I decided that I was going to talk calmly to him and get the whole thing settled. But when I got home, I found him, sitting on the bed playing video games and really not even caring about what had just happened. Not really caring that I'm wandering about by myself for the past 15 minutes in the dark. So I went back downstairs and hid in the closet and cried there. I was in the closet for at least a half hour, before he came down. And it wasn't to find me (at least I don't think it was). He was hungry or thirsty or something, and since I wasn't anywhere to be found he started looking for me. When he found me in the closet (again, clearly upset) he just asked if I was going to hide in the closet all night. He didn't ask why I was in the closet, or if I was ok, just if I was going to stay there.
It so happened that I had decided to write him a note explaining some of what was going on since he clearly didn't want to talk to me about anything. So I told him that, and that I was in the closet (not that he had asked) because I had wanted some privacy, away from people accidentally walking in on me ( which I suppose could have seem directed at him, but I didn't mean it to be). So he left.
I gave him the note a bit later and in it I said that I would appreciate it very much if he could respond to me. By talking (a prefered method) a letter, a song whatever etc. I haven't heard back from him yet. The last I heard he went to bed without coming down to say goodnight, or I love you or anything. Like he didn't really need me or want me at all. When I went to bed I said I love you and kissed him on the cheek. He rolled over and I thought maybe he was awake so I watched him and he woke up just then. He said he loved me too, and rolled over and went back to sleep.
And the funnything is: I didn't even tell him about the apology thing in my note. Of course not. Because in the big picture, its not about apologizing. Its about realizing when I'm upset, or really excited and then acting on that. At the very least asking if I feel that way. I don't think I would be this upset if there weren't other, similar instances where he just didn't seem to make that extra effort to care about what I was feeling. Almost as if my feelings were there, but they in no way affect anything he does or says. I'm not an island. We're supposed to be a team and teams are intuitive about their other members feelings after being together for over a year anda half. Why is this a hard concept? Is it supposed to be this hard? I just don't get it.
Sorry this is long and rambly.
Lots of Love,
~*Ery*~
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