Betrayed

Ever think you know someone, and then when you trip across them in the grass and the snake that they really are bites you? Well welcome to my day. Jay, my former best guy friend, the guy against whom I have compared every guy friend I've had to, turned out to be nothing more than a low down conniving player, who just befriended me, Nancy, and Jackie in the hopes of getting something more out of us. It didn't even matter who, he was willing to take whatever he could get and would have taken it without a second thought. But to back up and put the whole sordid details out on the table....

Nancy called me last nigth late, I had my phone turned off though and didn't get it until this morning. SHe sounded really upset, so I calle dher back and left a message. She calls me back after I get out of class and says she has a story to tell and I can't get angry. I'm thinking she got drunk and went to far with a guy...something simple like that. She tells me she hooked upo with Jay during the last few weeks of summer. (My initial reaction: yea thats great! My second reaction: wait, Jay tried to get with my during the last week of summer...this is not going to be good. ) She made sure he was over JAckie, stating many times that she didn't want him to be settling or using her to get over Jackie. TIme and aagian he reassured her that his intentions were good and that he really wanted her. He even said he would make time to go see her at State. Well while all this is going on the sleazebag is off giving Jackie flowers and trying to convince me to go into a :friends w/benefits" sort of deal. Lucky for everyone's sake I got uncomfortable at the last second and called to cancel...fine, he says, turns out Nanacy needed a ride so I don't know if I could have done it anyway. All three of us go out for dinner, he hugs me goodbye (the last time i'll see him till Thanksgiving) and "parked" otherwise knoown as making out, with Nancy. Hmmmm if the picture has not yet been made clear, none of us girls knows anything about what the others have been doing. Probably becaus ewe all knew, deep down that something was wrong, and also because Jay, our "trustworthy friend" told us that we should just keep everything between the two of us. SO. Nancy calls and tells me what she knows, I tell her about hte friends w/benefits deal and we conclude that our Jay is no longer, nor was ever, most likely, our friend. AND I FEEL BETRAYED, USED, HURT, SICK, AND STUPID!

I can't explain how much this hurts. I took Jay to my fucking prom. Half of my desk pictures contain him. My swim season is littered with images and thoughts of him. He shitted all over my senior year. How many signs did I miss? They say dogs and young children have the best perceptions of people....well we missed that one. Mo, Nancy's 3 yr old sister, cries whenever she sees Jay...no, not just cries, runs and hides and wails when she sees him. The first time my dog ever saw Jay, he barked...he never barks, he barked at Jay for the first three visits, then he just sort of gave up. We always thought it was odd that we never really met any of Jay's friends...but then we just figured they didn't want to see us, an odd thing considering that they went to an all guys school and Jay had three singel female friends. Turns out they really didn't like him that much. I know this because I talked to Brendan while we were seeing each other, and he told me. But I just dismissed it, regular guy stuff, bashing on each other. No.
Apparently, its easier to get all the girls, if you never share them.

I don't know what to say right now. There is nothing to say. He doesn't even know that we all know. I want to hurt him so much right now. I want to hurt him like he hurt me. I want him to feel this gaping gash he left in my heart when I had to tear him out, since he apparently never heldany of us trully in his. I made him one of my best friends. I bragged about him, I told stories about him, I held him up, on a pedestal, that was unreachable to any other guys who simply wanted to be friends, they would never reach his perfect status. And the pedestal broke. And it fell on me, and Nancy, and Jackie. And now when we need each other so much...we are so far away. And it hurts to cry, because I know he's not worth it. But I cry I guess for what was lost. Something I held on to so tight, and loved so much just died. And I feel like I have been kicked in the stomach.

Thats all for today. I'm gonna go cry in my bed. Please, send me some love, but don't tear it away.

~*Ery*~

P.S. Paul saved the male race in my mind today, simply by giving me something to hold onto, even though he was too far away for me to cry on his shoulder.