I could love you

I wrote this during my Sociology while I was busy not paying attention. I was just going to throw it away, but I figured it wouldn't hurt to put it on here.

I could love you. But I can't let myself use that word. I don't want to get hurt. I'm afraid of how you make me feel. You make me forget everything. My world become you, and you are my everything. I could get lost in your arms; wrapped around me, they hold me so close, I can feel your heartbeat. When we sleep I feel your strength and breath, I know I am safe. While you are near I can be free of fear. You make me want what I can't have. I want to touch you all over, to cover every inch of you with kisses, and keep you next to me forever. I can't get my fill of you, of your body, your mind, of you. You let me be me, and I could love you for that.

I wrote that as a letter to Paul. I just sort of let my emotions all come out on the paper. I have to admit, I was suprised at how easily it flowed out of me. I didn't have to think very hard about it, and it was easy to write. I suppose thats how love letters go. I don't kow if I'll ever give it to him, but at least I have it written down now in case I ever decide that I need to show him how I feel. I don't know. This is just such a new feeling. I don't know what to do with it, I guess the easy answer would be to tell him, but I don't think I can. I'm too afraid of it myself. Yes, I know that without the leap you'll never know what is at the bottom, but it still frightens me. This feeling that if he left, I might die. No, thats wrong. Its not that strong, but the hurt would be so deep. And this scares me, I can think about an end, not because I want to, but because I won't let myself think to far ahead. I can't just let myself go, I can't let go. I'm holding up a wall around my heart and I can't just open the gates and let it out. I'm disgusted by my world weariness, this jaded, blase feeling of: oh I know how these things go. I hate this hesitation in everything I do. I just want to let go of my restraint and fear and just let myself be. Ok. I'm back to this old mantra again. Go with the flow. I'm going with the flow, but I'm doing it with a look forward to the fork in the river that I like more. The one where we are together. Paul and Ery. Ery and Paul. Go with the flow, but I'm not leaving my paddle on shore.

~*Ery*~