Little Baby Flies

There are little baby flies zooming around in my room. Not that my room is dirty but these little flies are everywhere. I don't think they are actually baby flies, more like little flies, but they are frustrating me. They'll float innocently right by me and then when I go to smoosh them they veer suddenly. Boo on you flies.

Feeling pretty good today. Paul and I had a great weekend. We went to his house and carved pumpkins. I can't wait to see the pictures of them all lit up, I'm pretty sure mine was the best I've ever done. Then we came back from his house and hiked the mountain/overgrown hill by school. It was so pretty up there. This is one of my favorite pictures. That is (obviously) Paul standing next to "BART" Bart is some guy who was an engineer and they put this pile of rocks on the top of the outlook. I'm not sure why but that's how it goes. It was such a gorgeous day!

After our marvelous little walk we came back to my room and took a little snuggle nap. I love sleep! Especially with him. Mmmm I can't wait until he's here in January. Snuggling abound. And then for summer. I haven't written this out yet but we're going to get a place together in the summer. We figure that outside of wanting to live with each other, it makes more sense financially then paying two rents, two sets of utilities and stocking two kitchens. Plus together we have quite an assortment of things. Dressers, desks, queen bed (him I loooove that bed, so roomy), lamps. Plus I can't wait to be able to wake up next to him everday and talk to him all the time. Just to be able to sit in a living area that is ours and be able to snuggle and be cozy is just so alluring. *Big happy face* Its so crazy seeing how far we've come in the past year. We were talking about it and I told him that I was scared to tell my parents that we were planning on "shacking up" but he pointed out that by the time we do, I'll be 20. Which is nuts! I mean 20!!! That's two decades, I'll feel so wise and old. I know 20 isn't old, but the point is i'll have been a live for a long time.

Right now I'm kind of wasting some time until the website I need starts working again. Silly internet. Lets see. Not much else is going on right now. I sort of tackle-hugged Sarah half an hour ago. I was amused. And it was fun. I think that's all I have to say. I love writing.

Lots of Love,

~*Ery*~

Two Years

Wow. So my blog here is really long. I didn't even realize. I haven't updated in so long its ridiculous. I hate that word, its hard to spell. I'm in teh process of doing laundry right now which sucks because I can't sleep when the laundry is in the machines. Boo.

So on the note of Paul not wanting to be an engineer, its final. He's coming to school here now (yea!!!) and thinking about an English major. I think he'll be so much better suited for it. He's looking for an apt. right now and classes. I'm excited because he asked me to move in with him!! I can't this winter semester because I have to live in the dorms one more semester but in the summer hopefully we'll move in together. Its a big step but I'm really excited to have him so close. There is half a semester and Christmas break still before he's close to me but we'll finally be close enough to see each other during the week, woohoo!!

Sarah is great. She's my roommate and we get along splendidly. She's a little hoity toity about her music and sax stuff, but I just kind of tune her out and keep doing what I'm doing. One of my favorite things about our relationshp compared to last year is we share friends as well as have outside buddies. We also don't spend a ton of time in the room together (aided by the fact that classes aren't being skipped all over the place). I like it so much. Umm Yeah I'm bored so I'm going to stop writing, especially since I have to email Paul some directions.

Lots of Love
~*Ery*~

Arrrrgh

Stupid stupid stupid. My stupid temper.

Dirty Dancing

Mmmm. I love that movie. Its so good! It actually just made me realize something too. Dirty Dancing is the reason tha tI associate dancing with a loving sexual thing. Oooo that scene where Patrick Swayze (be still my heart) and Jennifer Grey are dancing and as they dance they slowly strip each other and have sex for the first time, just touches the romantic in me. I want that...I have that. Paul loves to dance with me...and strip me...but that's a different topic. It was just an interesting realization.

I miss Paul. I didn't get to see him this weekend and its hard. He's having a hard time at school and doesn't know if he even wants to be an engineer anymore. He's feeling so much pressure from his classes and all he's done fro the past three years is take classes for this and now he's not sure. I want so much to support him, but in some back protion of my mind I think he's just scared. He's never been able to pinpoint exactly what he'd like to do and I think its just getting to him. That and his classes are tougher. I don't know its complicated I guess. SOmething he's just going to have to figure out. I told him that I'll stand by him in whatever he does, but I'm not sure how far that even goes with him. He's always so worried that I'm going to leave him, I don't know why. If i ever have fun when he's not here he gets worried that I'm going to find someone new while I'm out. It's frustrating because I don't know what he wants me to do. Imena I want to go out an have fun and he says he wants me to too, but then whenever I tell him about my evening he gets upset. I want to share with him but for somereason he gets tetchy about it. Grrr. I love him anyway, I just don't know what to do.

That's it really, I don't much feel like putting things down in words right now, I'm feeling rather blase right now.

~*Ery*~

"He's Jewish"

Leah just said that. I thought it was funny. Leah lives across the hall from me and is quite fun. She's playing Oregon Trail online. She's cool. Erin my suitemate is here too. Good fun all around. I'm going to bed soon. Just got on here to check something and now I have to hear something about the plural of box. Hmmm.

Oh! Paul and I just had our one year anniversary!! It was a great year. I love him so much. Yeah so there. Name face going on all over the place. Happy happy joy joy. :) :)

~*Ery*~

Nightmares

Well to start: my grandpa died Staurday morning. Though I'm not certain, I think it was a broken heart. My grandma died earlier this year and he's been living for her for almost a decade. The report probably said complications due to conjective (sp?) heart failure...but to me all I see is broken heart.

So with that fresh on my plate Sunday afternoon ( my mom tried to get in touch with me on Saturday but I was unreachable) I sent Paul on his way to go home. I knew that with him there all i would be able to do is cry. I had things that needed doing and the best way to get over the fact that I only have 1 grandparent was to go and do those things. Night came around and with nightime, sleep. It was a lonely sleep and I hated getting into bed last night. My bed always seems more empty when I know he won't be there. Last night especially when all I wanted was someone to hug me, he wasn't there. As I lay there all I could think was what if he died? What if he crashed on the way to his house. Its a long drive and when would I find out?? When would his mom finally put a call into me to see if he was still with me after he didn't answer her phone calls?? THe next day? What would I do? COuld I get to him in time?? I fell asleep.

And I dreamt that he died: I was at home (with my parents) for my grandpa's memorial service when Paul's mom called me. She told me, flat out, Paul died. And I fell. I hit the gorund of my best friend's lawn and I cried and yelled until there was nothing more to yell and yet the tears kept flowing. Never stopping. That first dream day I couldn't do anything but weep and think of all the things we'd never done, the aniversary we were only a month away from. The hugs and kisses we'd never share again. I felt a physical pain deep in my chest and knew what it felt like to have your heart break. The next day I got up the courage and told my friends I wanted to go and see the body. The body. He was my lover, my one and only, he couldn't be gone, there had to be more there. We walked down the street (in dreams its easy to get places) and went to his basement where he was laid out. I found, he wasn't dead. Brain dead, but not dead. His body was twisted into a strange and uncomfortable position; he moaned and shook as if in the grips of a never ending seizure. And again I cried, begged him to come back to me. I wept tears of love and pain for him and myself, I entreated and wept, plead and sobbed. But I couldn't bring him back. Eventually his body calmed. He stopped shaking and twisting, finaly laying still. He looked at me, but didn't see me. I looked at him; again my heart broke and the pain split me.

The dream ends there. It was awful. I woke up and felt terrible. I can still feel that pain in my chest. I don't know what I would do if I lost him. If I thought I needed a hug from him before bed, I need one from him now more than ever. As luck would have it, we can't see each other for two weeks. I have to work this weekend, and he has to move into his house. I'm not sure what I'm going to do.

~*Ery*~

Lifetime Movies

"Homeless to Harvard; The Liz Murray Story" is quite possibly the first made for TV movie that I've actually enjoyed watching. Alrothough I may just start a little streak and watch the one that comes after it too. Woohoo! Crazy times on the homefront.

Its funny. I don't know where to say I live right now. I mean if someone wants to come to y house I'm all set, I give the address. But if they ask for a mailing address or if I'm from town I don't always know what to say. I haven't been to my permanent address for 8 months, But I can't live in the dorms permanantl,y so I can't change the address. And sinc eI'm in the dorms for one more year and I obviously don't live in the house year round I get all confused. Its kind of strange.

_______________________________

Word of the Day:

grandiloquent \gran-DIL-uh-kwuhnt\, adjective:Lofty in style; pompous; bombastic.

~*Ery*~

Family Couch

Family Couch time. Yup in our house we are a little family and we have couch time together. We also do cookouts. We are really quite quaint. Today our couch time involves rap and indie music with all of us on our computers. Well almost the whole family. Emily is off at work somewhere so we are only three. She's rearely home anyway though so it just sort of work.

"Nothing gold can stay Pony Boy" ~ Jeremy

Punk remakes of songs are fun. I love them muches.

________________________________

Word of the Day:

limn \LIM\, transitive verb:1. To depict by drawing or painting.2. To portray in words; to describe

~*Ery*~

Biting

Well seeing as how I don't really have anything to say. Here is the word of the day.

_______________________________

Word of the Day

mordant \MOR-d'nt\, adjective:Biting; caustic; sarcastic

~*Ery*~

Hugh X 2

Me and Hugh Grant are in the middle of a date. I'm a terrible person. Sitting here typing while while he pours his heart out. Granted he is pouring it out to Annie MacDowell in "Four Weddings and a Funeral"...but thats not the point.

I'm being as pathetic..and unpathetic as possible at the same time. I'm watching sappy movie alone under a fleece blanket. But as a good friend pointed out, I'm not drinking wine coolers or sitting with a box of half used kleenex so I'm not that pathetic.

Thats really about al lI have to say today. Oh and I bought many things I didn't really need today...but I'm very happy about them so its ok. Lets see I got: a pinstripe suit (just need mathing pants for the full three piece effect), 7 pairs of cute underwear (okay Iactually did sort of need these, I believe I only had 14 pairs and some are quite old), a pink nightgown (wanted a nighty for a very long time and I finally found one that fits quite nicely), two pairs of cute sweats (I wanted some of these too), a set of shampoo and conditioner by path and body works (well there was no sense in just getting the one ... ), and a blush and lipstick that were extremely expensive ( I can't really rationalize these, they jus tmade me feel pretty).

I needed some mall time and I had the cash. So I spent the money even though I should have saved the $100. Its ok though, I'm happy.

____________________________________

Word of the Day:

cursory \KUR-suh-ree\, adjective: Hastily or superficially performed

~*Ery*~

Doodle-dee-dum

Sitting around again at the office. I did some filing. THat lasted me oh about 5 minutes. SO now the only thing I have left to do is shred some paper. But I'm saving that excitement for this afternoon. Crazy I know.

I've thought some more about giving Paul the address to this. And what I've ended up doing is reading all my archives to see how I would feel knowing that he had access to all of them And So far I still don't know. It makes me uncomforatable I guess because I talk so much about other guys that I crushed on or whatever when I was younger. I mean when I was writing the blog at that time I was obsessed over my love life and how crappy it was. But now I look back at the guys I was pining over and I wish I could make that history go a way. Because it was silly. SO much time and energy was put into working to make stuff work. Stuff that was never meant to work. Now I feel silly. And juvenile. What I most worry about are the entries leading up to when I met him. Because right up to before I met him I was being sad about another guy. And I met Paul and everything went away. I just hope that when I give the address to him (which I know I will eventually) he understands that. I won't worry too much though. Because as of old. I'm going to go with the flow.

Woohoo! I know. Its the return of the Word of the Day!! How exciting is that?! Not really I know. But at least everyone will be smarter by the end of this. :)

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Word of the Day:

exculpate \EK-skuhl-payt; ek-SKUHL-payt\, transitive verb: To clear from alleged fault or guilt; to prove to be guiltless; to relieve of blame; to acquit.

~*Ery*~

Good Grief

Yup Its been a wohpping ten minutes and I'm back. I really have nothing to do. I've been reading some other people's blogs lately and I like the style they use. Like they are actually writing to other people. Or telling a tory. I think I could do that. I'm going to try. Its hard to be honest that way though. I'll try.

What was I going to say. I had a like three things I could talk about and now all three have gone straight out of my head.

Love letters: Rememvber how I said I was going to start writing love letters to Paul? But then I got scared? Well I've finally gotten over it and i've written him two! Actually I should write him one this weekend. Or rather today or tomorrow so he'll get it when he gets home from his trip. He loves the letters too. He hasn't written me back yet. WHich is fine. SInce I told him it was up to him. But I would really like it if he did. He said he loves getting them written by me and just alking to him. It is nice. Because I try to keep some of the little day to day things out of the letters. SInce they'd become dated if I talked about them at night on the phone too. But I fill them with all teh love i feel and find it hard to make into words sometimes. Its nice.

Roommate: I want to know who my new roomie is going to be in the Fall!! Its driving me up the wall. I hope she's nice and cool and we get a long and grrrr. It just sucks waiting. Last night Paul said he hopes I get a transexual. I don't want a transexual! Not that ther eis anything wrong with doing it. But I don't want to see you stuffing or whatever when you get up in the morning. Thats just not what I dream of at night. Eww. I feel like a terrible close-minded person saying that but thats how I feel.

Blah.. My office is boring. I'm all alone. ANd now I have to have the door closed to keep the air conditioner on. Because if I don't it over works and freaks out and dies.

I love fate. I've been thinking of Paul and this song that makes me think of him that he sent to me. And I just switched Launchcast radio stations and the first song they played was the one I was thinking of. ITs "My Everything" by Keith Urban. Its just an absolutely beautiful song. It makes me thinkiof getting married.

*Gasp* I haven't said anything about that. I'm not getting married sorry that came out funny. But Ok Paul and I had this huge...thing...last Saturday. I don't want to call it a fight but it kind of was but there wasn't so much fighting as me finallly telling him all of my feelings, confusing him, then bringing him back up to speed. All done while sobbing. Yeah. It was a mess. Thats what's been happening lately when I get drunk. It just sort of happens. I've been hoding a lot in lately and I really believe that I just needed to get it all out.

I started crying Saturday initially because I felt like I didn't have any friends (Quite silly since there were 4 people hanging out at my house but I was drunk). When he asked why I launched into a poor me routine because I felt very hyocritic after the fight we had had a few nights before. Some how I convinced myself that that made me a terrible person. And when I thought of myself as a terrible person it made me think of all the stuff Paul and I did together. Now I have to venture into some touchy stuff so I'm sorry but I'm just writing here.

PAul and I haven't had sex yet. And we don't plan to until we're married. Its just a belief we both have. I haowever was raised a Catholic. and to a Catholic you aren't supposed to do ANYTHING before you're married. And we have clearly violated that rule. We share a bed and we kiss and go just far enough for everyone to have a good time but, to be blunt, refrain from any penetrating. And I have had major issues with this. Mostly because in my head (where I was taught things) I'm being a bad girl and I'm going to Hell and it doesn't matter what love there is or anything, I'm just condemned. In my heart of hearts I know this isn't true. I know that God is Love and that Paul and I love each other and do everything we do together out of a sense of love for each other. I also know that in my heart of hearts the fact that we are saving ourselves matters a lot. Adn i count myself as a pure person. But the ideas clash. My head and heart don't agree and that results in me crying and drunk convfessing all of this because its gotten so twisted inside of me that I've half convinced myself tha tI am a bad person. That these ideas are hypocritical and that I'm living a lie.

So I tell Paul this and he first got really upset which played into teh Im an awful person and he's mad and is going to leave fear which was started after we fought on Wed. But it turns out he thought I was blaming him for taking things to far. Which I knew wasn't his fault. It was mine and I told him (honestly) that I don't want to stop what we do I just need confirmation that its the right thing to be doing. And he told me that he loved me more than anything and then echoed what I said a few entries ago. THat he wasnts to spend his life with me adn that he wants to marry me and have children with me. He told me that even if he got angry with me he wouldn't leave. And I needed that more than I realized. I don't know where I became so untrusting in my life. Its changing though. I know that we'll stay together. I know there will be hard times. But I have faith in us. And even though I get scared sometimes I still think that it will all be ok.

Just now though I had a thought. I wonder if it would be ok if I gave him this blog address and let him read it. Its such an open place for me. WHat if he was ever offeneded by thoughts I had one day. Or by things I wrote last year when I was seeing other guys. Would I hurt him?? I want to give it to him because its one of the most trusting things I could do. But (grrr trust issues) will I have to guard my words? I can't think that he would ever want me to do that. In fact I know he wouldn't. I guess I 'll just think it through a little first.

Wow I've been writing a while. This is really long. Have fun reading it.

~*Ery*~

P.S. In reading over my other posts I found this one. THis is really how long all those bad questioning feelings have been building up inside me. November. I don't know if that will do anything for anyone out there...but picture that amount of questions and concerns being smashed down for months and then how the final outburst would look. Yeah.

Sandwich woes

Nothin' to dooooo. Sitting round the office just thinking my own bored thoughts. Man, I want a sandwich. Not just any sandwich though. I want my sandwich. The turkey one sitting in my bag one door away. But I can't eat that until 3:30 when I go to switch jobs. Because if I eat it now I will be hungry later and be tempeted to steal food. Bad no steal food! Grrr.

Its calling me.

Sandwich: Eat me!

Me: NO I have to wait.

S: But I'm full of turkey deliciousness and you would looooove me.

M: I have self-control!! I will not eat you!

S: Come on. Just come here ... yes thats right ... good job now open the little plastc baggie. Hi, there. See I'm going to tatste so go--

M: Hahahaha I win! Now you can say anything because I ATE YOU!!!! Oh.

Darn it. I so did not intend to do that. It was a good sandwich though.

~*Ery*~

Lack of Sensitivity

To see you when I wake up
is a gift I didn't think could be real.
To know that you feel the same
as I do is a three-fold, utopian dream.

You do something to me
that I can't explain.
So would I be out of line if I said,
I miss you?

I see your picture, I smell your skin
on the empty pillow next to mine.
You have only been gone ten days,
but already I'm wasting away.

I know I'll see you again
whether far or soon.
But I need you to know that I care
and I miss you.

~ "I Miss You" ~ Incubus

Yum chicken broth. It soothes my aching cramping uterus. Sorry folks just saying. Actually it doesn't soother the actual pain. I just like how it tastses. Its comfort food. The advil I just took should help though.

I miss my Paul. I aways miss him at the "Time of the Month". I just want him to snuggle me and make me feel like my body isn't slowly heaving its insides out. Yeah I already apologized. Sorry for the lack of sensitivity. I want him to rub my back and just spoon with me. I like spooning. But for some mundane reason he is out jogginng in the middle of nowhere at 10:45 in the pm. Well the middle of nowhere part isn't mundane since he lives there but who does that?? My boyfriend apparently. I love his crazy self anyway.

~*Ery*~

Black Happenings

Might as well dive right in. I'm feeling too lazy to bother much with an introduction to the stories.

First "black happening" was that Paul and I had a fight last night. Really our first actual fight ( I know it took long enough, right). It was awful. It had to do with his not being comfortable with saying things sometimes because I asked him to not say anything more about Timnah (neither would I) and that lead to "why I was always defending them [Timnah and Cortney], in spite of the mean behavior that they had displayed towards me. Turns out I was being a hypocrite and I hadn't even realized it. See, I decided that I didn't want to talk bad about TImnah (mostly because we were doing it allll the time) because I felt bad and like I was being a bad person. Cortney just comes in because I do defend her often (urgh ok...not so happy about this one because I didn't say anything directly to him about being mena to her. He just always prtrays her as the girl wasted off two sips and then strips for attention. Which she really isn't and I don't think its a fair label, expecially to people who don't know her. Amongst friends sure...to an extent, but to people she doesn't know I feel obligated to stick up for her at least a little so she doesn't come off as a complete whore.). Well while I'm trying to "stop talking behind people's backs and be a better person" I'm busy calling Krysta a bitch and etc etc. to Paul. Thus not only confusing him but making me look like the bitch.
So we discussed it and decided that there would be no boundaries on what could be said (as it should be, censorship is bad). But if the other person feels differently they have to speak up right then and say something like " I don't agree with you because etc etc. but thats your opinion and I don't think less of you because of it." I feel awful really because its my fault and I'm the one who hates conflict and can't just talk to people in their faces properly and resolve issues. Becasue Timnah still thinks we're buds an dI reallhy should change that but I'm scared and I figure if I ignore her she'll go away and if we don't talk about her its like she never existed. THat will never happen...that was the first "black happening" simply because it was a dark moment.

Second "black happening" is I bought a garter belt and line-up-the-back thigh high's today. (they're black...get it?) I'm soooo excited. I think that together they are one of the sexiest combinations out there and I'm just muchos excited for Pual to see them. Unfortunately for the both of us that won't be until at least fall since Stockings = hot and Summer= too hot for other hot things. oh well I'm still excited.

Ummm I think thats it really. I'm going to a work party tomorrow...its a fundraiser and I don't have much extra cash but I'll spare $5 I think. I'm just in a really good mood today. Weeee!

Lots of love,
~*Ery*~

P.s. I thought black would be an appropriate color for the entry n'est ce pas?

19%

19% is the amount of battery I have left on my computer. Its 1:45 in the morning and I have to go to work at 9:30 later today. I don't want to go to bed. I've been wasting time for ooooh two hours or so now. I had a marvelous break over the 4th holiday...and now its back to the grindstone, at least for the next two days. Then its back to Paul's camp for a few days. I love it there. Soooo much fun. His cousin Jeni told me (out of the blue) that they all enjoyed having me there. It was such a relief after the awful dream I had about his family hating me.

Paul and I saw some really awesome rocks today. Sandstome and stuff all layered on top of each other next to the water and cool spires and stuff. It was so cool. I can't explain. Then we ate dinner and paid in quarters and dimes. Haha. Sorry folks, thats all we had! :) I love spending time with him. I really shoulbd go to be soon here. Hmm How Far.

~*Ery*~

Title

Ahh well. Its been the customary two or so weeks. I figured, why not write something. I'm not doing anything. Plus I get to practice my typing skills. I type well but I'm bad at not looking at the keys. So I have many errors because I can't watch the screen to catch them in time. Too bad my brain works too fast for my fingers to follow it.

Brrr. Its cold in our office. I don't really have that much to write about. Nancy and Devynn came to visit me over the weekend. That was nice. I had to buy so much extra food though. And I'm sure some of the pasta we made is going to go to waste because there is just soooo much of it. Although, I shouldn't have to cook for the rest of the week, so I guess its ok.

Paul and I are good. I get so sad when he has to leave. I don't know what it is. Last week I cried. Granted, it was "that time of the month" so I was a little more emotional than normal, but still. When I get into bed and he isn't there I feel like the bed is half empty...I hate that. Plus there's the fact that he's there. To talk to and hug and walk with. When he's gone I'm all alone. I have some friends here, but so many of them are guys. And I feel like I unintentionally flirt sometimes with them. I don't mean to, that is just my personality. But by being there I feel like I'm doing something wrong. Grrr I don't know. I need to make more girlfriends that I can just hang out with. Its hard though.

I'm excited to find out who my roommate is going to be next semester. I'm kind of nervous but at the same time I think that since I'm a pretty easy-going person it should be no problem. The only thing that worries me is the whole boyfriend-staying-the-night-on-weekends thing. I don't expect it to be a problem, but either way I'm going to tell her as soon as I can so that the idea doesn't just get sprung on her last minute.

Ho hum. I'm bored. I painted my nails earlier today. Just for something to do at work. Now they are "racy red" I love it! Well I'm going to post this now because I can't think of anything else to ramble about. Plus its getting hard to type like this.

~*Ery*~

21st Pictures for Paul

Weee! Posting pictures! I love doing it. Unfortunately Picasa only lets the pictures get so large before they get blurry so I gave up on it. Here is a picture of my beloved Paul. By the time I took this one he was getting tired of posing. I was fusing with the flash so this is actually the first one where you can see his face. I love the "birthday hat" Sooo sexy :)

Here's the one of the two of us. I like this one a lot. Usually when we drink I tend to smoosh my face next to his in hugs for pictures...but here we're far enough apart (andI'm sober enough) that my face is normal looking! Oh yeah and he's wearing that nice hat again!

Wasn't it pretty? Our fire was huuuuge. This is one of the smaller pics since the tall ones weren't switched around yet but I still really like it. Woohoo pyromaniacs unite!!

How do you know when two men are very close? When they can make this face in public, and then allow pictures to be taken. Haha. Paul and Marc being silly as usual. Such goofs. Can't help but laugh.

Oh Keith. I don't know what he's doing...but he's so funny it could have been anything.

Fire jumping. One of the traditions theyv'e cooked up. Silly thing really but no one's gone to the hospital yet so I guess they play it pretty safe. Anywho this is Randy and Brandon leaping in tandem. Its a pretty sweet picture of the whole thing.

Awww a picture with two people I know and one who I don't remember ever meeting. Ok the blond on teh left is the one I don't remember. Brandon is making the goofy face and ANg is the sweetie on the end. SHe really is a great big sweetheart. One of my goodfriends up here when I ac tually get to see her. SHe has a sucha loving fun personality.

Well those are my pictures. There are like a billion more. But i'm tired of posting today and some of them are just random group shots anyway.

~*ERY*~

Woops.

Missed some stuff in that last post that I should ahve updated on.

Paul's Birthday party...went great. It couldn't have been better. I knew I was wrong to worry, but thats just what I do. It had a slow start since we had to go to Brandon's gf's graduation party *TANGENT* I was not happy about this I was kind of duped into going and shame on Paul for not telling me. THats right he got teh call and tehn we stopped at me house and then we left and were on our way. I asked why we were leaving so early (it was 4pm and the party wouldn't get going until at least 9) and he said that we had to go to Krysta's grad party..."oh" My only outward reaction. Inside:Grrr you knew that because you got a call before we even came back here...I could have napped or something poo on you. *END TANGENT* The grad party was fine, I got over it...initial anger dissipated.
Once we wnet and got wood for the bonfire things really got going. WE all had a blast. A whole bunch of Paul's friends that I knew were there, always good sinc eI'm starting to remember people...YEA! and then the Skandia Boys ( I guess they're kind of a gang, but only in the direct meaning of the word, just a group of guys that always party together and hang out) showed up and they are just a blast. Especially my buddy Keith who rocks and lived next door last year and this coming one, YEA! So it was a good time all around. We didn't end up sleeping in the car because as it turned out I didn't drink that much and was able to finish my drinks then take a little nap in the car while I sobered up for an hour (I had already done the rest of my sobering teh I had one drink so I had to wait an hour to let teh alcohol get out of my system again) of our stay. We had a good time at home sleepig till l2 or something. Then I treated Paul to his first car wash ever. Which sucked and I'm going to re do it when we go to my house. Because for goodness sake what is a car wash experience without the spinny things and the long octopus-like thing hittig the car? Anywho.

Pictures will be uploaded eventually. I just have to actually feel like it. THat and use my own computer of course.

~*ERY*~

A While in Coming

Well it taken me some time to get going again, but I figured since I have nothing better to do I might as well do some blogging. Hmm life is pretty uneventful right now. I got a call on Friday about a job at a bank opening which would be great. THe only problem is that I'm not sure where the bank is located exactly and if I can't walk/rollerblade there with relative ease and safety I'll have to turn it down, and I really don't want to have to do that. It would ba great opportunity...but we shall see.

Hmm haven't started those love letters yet. I don't know what it is, but I feel like I'd be doing it more for what I would get back from him than actually to write him a letter. Plus its so hard. We've been seeing each other every weekend and talk every night on the phone. I just don't know what I would say. It doesn't help that he saw the address on my computer and I had to tell him. So now I haaave to do it, rather than being myt usual wavering self and not actually doing it until I really felt like it. I don't know.

I had a really sad moment the other day at Pau's house even though I ddin't say anything I was really hurt. I had made him a CD at Valentine's day of songs that made me think of him and our relationshiop. ANd granted it was sappy and eveything but whatever, I made it and I figured it would end up in his CD case eventually with the rest of his CDs. But SUnday we were hugging in his bedroom and I looked down for a second and there at the side of his bed barely peeking out from the pile of crap that accumulates on most people's bedroom floors was the CD I made him. Laying in its case waiting to be stepped on. I felt like the gift had just been tossed there with no regards to what it meant and the thought behind it. I didn't say anything because reallyu, its quite silly to get all worked up over a CD and I didn't feel like being that nagging girlfriend who's like, "You don't love me you put the gift I made on the floor, what are you saying about us, etc etc." But thats kind of how I feel. And even writing this I feel like I should say something...but I have such an aversion to conflict that I don't want to start anything silly like this that could just be an oversight in his rush to move out of the dorms or something. Boo hiss. I just don't want it to fester and weaken my thoughts towards him.

I just don't know sometimes. Like most of the time we're together...like 99.8% of the time. I feel like I want to spend my whole life with him and make babies with him and all that jazz. But that last .2% just keeps throwing my mind for a loop. Its like I see all the god and all teh chemistry and the love and the similarities...and then I go...what if? Its infuriating, becuse immediatly I go what are you thinking, everything is fine and you are wondering what if I dated more before I settled down? I mean, I don't want that at all! I've read the books, seen the TV shows, watched friends live it. Dating around is not the most enjoyable thing. But my mind has glamorized it for some reason and I just can't shake it loose. It makes me think of this Reba McIntyre song I know "Is there life out there/somewhere she hasn't gone/Is there life beyond/ her family and her home/ she done what she should/should she do what she can/ she doesn't want to leave/ she's just wondering if there's life out there/. I feel liike that girl. Almost like I want to go back in time and split in two and casually date...but have teh other me in a relationship with Paul. IS that so wrong? TO wonder what other events could have occured. But then, thats not life. THats not living life either. Always wondering what if. I know what I have is great, and I couldn't find anything better and I don't want to leave what I have. I'm just wondering.

~*ERY*~

P.S. Yes, I said I want to make babies with Paul. I want to have lots and lots of babies. Mmmm I love babies and children.