Life Goes On

Ahh, I have a computer again... and internet...yay! I love having a computer! I feel so much more connected. Especially now that I've moved. Again. I just moved about 4 hours further away from my family than I was before. It's crazy!

Well, ok I moved about 4 months ago...but that is besides the point. For the first few months I was here alone, but now Paul moved in and things are going so well. We joined a group for young professionals in our area. It is like my favorite thing ever. I was meeting so many older people on my own. I joined two choirs and the average age was like 60. And Iwas a good 20 years younger than the youngest person in the group. It was fun to sing, but not the most entertaining thing to attend. I mean I'm young, I'm hip (sort of) I need young sort of hip people to chill with. Yeah...I'm not hip because I say chill.

I love my job. I get to see people all the time and people are starting to get to know me and my life. IT was so weird, yesterday someone asked me if I was married yet. THat doesn't soun weird except that it was the guy from the pizza delivery place and I didn't know he knew I was engaged. It was bizarre. On that note, Paul and I picked a date: Oct 16th, 2010. I'm going to go crazy. I have no money and no plans yet. I don' tknow what I'm going to do! There is so much that goes into planning a wedding. I want to pull my hair out just thinking about it. SO I keep pulling a Scarlett O'Hara and saying I'll think about it tomorrow. WHich was fine 3 months ago when I had a year, but now I've "tomorrowed" myself into 9 months away and I've realized nothing is done...AH!

Paul and I are starting to get ready for the church prep part of the wedding though. WHich is exciting. I pray all the time that he'll become more interested in the religious part of my life. I mean, I know that he believes in GOd and Jesus, but its hard to talk to him about it and its weird not to have him at church with me. LIke, I sit there alone. I just want him to be there with me. Not to mention that I think he would get a lot out of it too. I love going to church. It's so calming and centering. I'm thinking about getting him one of those children's guide to mass things so he can learn what the heck we're doing with all the standing sitting talking stuff. But I'm not sure if that would help him or hurt his feelings. I shoudl just ask.

WEll that's me for now. I want to start writing more now that I have a computer again, but I know how that goes. Best intentions and all that.

Lots of Love,
~*Ery*~

Ah! So Excited!

So much going on! I'm 22! It was my birthday a little bit ago. I watched cartoons and got too drunk with a friend. What a better way to celebrate a new year?

Right now I'm in Chicago. I had to take a car, bus, and a train to get here but I did it! The guy on the Amtrak who sold food was hilarious. I was trying to sell: "Lobster, prime rib, cold white dry turkey breast from my mother in-law's kitchen!" It was a hoot.

I stayed in Wrigleyville for a night which was neat since I'm like a fake Cubs. See, I like the Cubs because my Aunt likes the Cubs. Which is a silly reason to like a team. But its no better than my reason for liking the Tigers either. I just do. but I don't follow either team enough to tell you if they are doing well or how their last game went. I just like them so when playoffs and stuff happens I have a team to defend. It's silly.

Then I stayed with my cousin out in the suburbs for a night. I love my cousin Heidi. She is a lot older than me though so its a little wierd (15 yrs). Like she has two kids, and is pregnant with twins (girls! awwww). I just don't fit with her or her family. Plus she's from my mom's side of the family and we just don't know them very well, so its hard to really get in talking with her and stuff. But it was nice to see family. It was so funny, I climbed into bed and the sheets and stuff had the faintest scent of "Grandma W." It was like that smallest hint of smell that I associate with the W. family and it was there, in her house and sheets. I love smells. I think they are so neat. And we got Dairy Queen, which we ALWAYS do when we go to visit my mom's family. They love them some Dairy Queen. I mena, we have one near my parent's house, but it isn't the same, we don't go that often. No idea why not. I love Dairy QUeen though, and it always reminds me of happy times. Despite having a nice calm morning though, I still managed to forget my coat at her house. I don't know how the heck I'm gonna get it back. She's like an hour to 90 minutes out of town. Blah.

Right now I'm sitting at a friend's apartment waiting to go to dinner. I'm with Jackie, from high school, and we're gonna get some BBQ. I have been alone the last few days and I kind of liked that. Like, I love having friends with me and not being alone, but I really really liked being the creator of my day. Not having to check with another person, or just wander around till I figured out where the heck I was. I liked that freedom.

I can't wait for Paul to see Chicago though. He's never visited and I think it is just a cool city. I don't know if he'll like it though. Its so BIG. He's from such a small town, I don't know if he'd like a big town like this. I think the people are neat, the restaurants are amazing, and I just love public transportation!!! It's my favorite thing about industrialized countries I think. Yup, that and indoor plumbing.

Ok, well Jackie was taking a nap, so I think I'm going to go wake her up so we can get some food! Yea! I love food, and eating and exploring! There is just so much to see :)

Spring is in the Air

Spring is in the air
Everywhere I look around!

Yea for Spring-time weather! Its so amazing the way people's moods have changed over the past few weeks. Everyone is smiling more and just generally in better moods. It's as if the sun just woke up our smiles (cheesy to the extreme). I just love it. Even though the temperature has been fickle (50s one day but low teens the next) it is just so exciting to see the snow melting. Granted, we are all still holding out for the April 1st snow day, but I don't think anyone would be truly disappointed if it didn't happen. The sidewalks are clear, except for the sand that is leftover and waiting for the next snow/ice storm, and I can see grass!! I'm waking up to birds singing again, its marvelous!

I don't think anyone could really understand this feeling unless they live in a northern locale that experiences the same long winters as us. Don't get me wrong, I love snow, and ice skating, and scarves, but after awhile it gets to be too much. The snow gets dingy, by ankles get bruises from my skates, and my scarves start feeling like nooses that just need a tree to finish the job. Not to mention the exhaustion that comes with the mere thought of getting dressed to go outside on the most blustery of days. I mean: undergarments, tights, long sleeve shirt, sweater, thick jeans, coast, mittens, hat, hood, scarf to hold on hood and keep face warm AND keep the snow out of my coat. And then...the first step is still a shock. You sit in your car and freeze while the car is "warming up" only to have to get out as soon as heat starts coming out of the heater. Trudge to your destination and promptly start sweating once you get in the door because you are so bundled up and shivering. Its enough to make a person go crazy by the fourth month.

In any event, spring is here!! Its exciting and wonderful and I'm so happy about it.

Lots of Love,
~*Ery*~

P.S. How does one see spring in the air?

Gmail

Its about my stupid email. It won't work! Apparently it is too big? I don't know jack about the internet so this is very frustrating. I can check my email through iGoogle, but I can't specifically get to Gmail. This wouldn't be such a pain if I didn't have a signature that I would prefer didn't go to my official contacts. Grrrr.

Ok, so Paul and I aren't in a cruddy cycle. It's more just a cycle that keeps getting eaier to deal with. We got in yet another fight about how I feel about he treats me. That being said, I'm not being mistreated or hurt in any way. My consistant feeling is one of having my feelings ignored or just not recognized. I feel sometimes like Paul doesn't really pay attention to my moods or perceive what I'm feeling. In his defense I'm not the most verbal about what's wrong. My reason behind that is that after 3 years I feel like there are somethings he should just pick up on. We talked. So far things have been better. I told him I needed to see long term, consistent efforts towards being attentive and in return I will continue trying to verbally express my feelings to him. We love each other and that's really the most important part to the whole equation. The trick is expressing that love.

Lots of Love,
~*Ery*~

Here we are again

I feel like Paul and I are in some cruddy cycle.

Do you see ME?

I like the fortunes in fortune cookies and I take some stock in them. As cryptic and random as I know they are, I want to believe in them. Its the same thing that make me believe my horoscope and know deep down that if I get a prayer for the day in my email it really does have to do with me. I think its tied to my belief in a higher being, but then...its more than that. I feel like fortune cookie fortunes are like intuition: something we get regularly but aren't paying enough attention to so we aren't able to use it to our advantage. I don't think anyone knows this about me. Its a silly thing, really. But I feel like it's important. Its one of those things that in a book if I were being described...I'd want that in there. I think it says something about me.

The same way I think its important that every door to the outside have a doormat of some sor ton the inside. Some of it functional (like the one for the door most used) but also for decoration (for the door seldom used). I think they make the house look cozy. They make me think of little houses built into the prairie ground in the 1800's. I don't know why. They just do.

What makes a person unique? Is it their aptitude at learning tasks, or is it the little things like believing in fortune cookies and door mats in front of doors that makes us different from every other person? Sometimes I feel like those little things get lost in the search for the aptitudes and qualifications and expectations. I like fluffy little plants and listening to birds sing really early in the morning. You can't fit those things into a quantifiable measurement. They just are. I also refuse to wake up early to hear the birds sing and i'm not much of a green thumb with fluffy little plants (or any plants in general)...but that doesn't matter. If I'm up I'll listen to the birds and I'll smile and probably go get some hot cocoa and wish for a front porch with a rocking chair. If I get a fluffy plant I'll do my best to make it grow. I have doormats at all my doors and one in my kitchen because it makes my feet feel nice when I do dishes. I keep fortunes until they fall apart or just distract me by sitting in my pocket. I feel unique. Do others think I'm unique? I honestly don't know.

Lots of Love,
~*Ery*~

First of Many

I was going to say that this is the first of many days of work until I get a real day off, but technically it's not true. Technically, that day was last Monday. So this is actually day 7 of ... a lot? At least 24. I'm pretty sure I have 3/20 off. But then its right back to work on the 21st so not that big a deal. I'm not complaining. In fact, it really good that I'm working. I mean, times suck. I have two jobs when a lot of people can't keep one. And in May I'll be down to one again. So its a good thing to get the hours now while I can. but man, does it suck to be sitting at a desk when you could be sitting in bed or on the couch. Or just doing something productive in general. Here I'm trying to pace out my actual work so that I can have something to do everyday. I have graded tests, taken down attendance records, and copied study guides. Tomorrow I will probably finish attendance and maybe, just maybe I might copy and collate some tests.

Plus aside from the lack of real work I've got cramps to distract me. I'll get into a groove and a really comfy typing or reading position and then the knife comes back and I have to rearrange myself until it goes away. Which it isn't doing. Damn ibuprofen, it is not helping right now.

On the upside...Its time for me to punch out!! Woo hoo!

Lots of Love,
~*Ery*~

P.S. Okay, so maybe I complained a little bit. Overall I really am happy to be getting paid!! :)

Doing So Well

So many posts in a row and then nothing. I'm trying.



Its been 12 days now since I had my ParaGard inserted and its been awesome so far. It caused me a bit of pain for about a week, but nothing that a Pamprin a day didn't take care of. I did have a really sharp pain around the time that I ovulated though which was new and completely caught me off guard. It was like I had been stabbed with a knife, and then it was gone. So weird. One of the strangest things that happened though was I started to smell like a penny! It was so bizarre, it makes sense (since ParaGard has copper on it) but it was still kind of strange. Now i'm just waiting for my first period. We shall see.

I had a great time in St. Louis recently. I had never been so it was interesting to see a city that was such a big part of thing like western expansion and the Lewis and Clark mission. The Arch...so cool...so big. If I ever figure out how to get pictures from my phone onto my computer I'll post the only pictures I have from the trip. The only down side was spending 6 hours in a hospital with Katie and her face infection. Luckily she's ok, and everyone was super nice, but a hospital is a hospital and never any fun. Our underage folks would argue that it was as good as going to Toronto since the bar we went to didn't card and served everyone. Safe environment, less walking. It was pretty cool.

Today was my last class before Spring Break. I wish I could be more excited, but all I'm doing is picking up more hours for work. woohoo. Well, Work = $ and I need $ for upcoming stuff. Therefore, I need to work. Boo.

Long, Long Day

Ugh, what a weekend. Yes...ugh. Tiring, stressful, and not pain-free. My Saturday at work was insanely busy. We had a full house, which was awesome for the hotel in general, but crappy for the single desk worker (me).

Let me lay it down real quick:
1) We are a pet-free hotel, and yet people sneak pets in all the time. Sometimes we catch them, sometimes we just see the evidence. Like Saturday when someone let their dog crap in the middle of the main hallway and then left it there for someone to step into and track down the hall.
2) Groups are great, and fun, and entertaining. High schoolers are loud and push boundaries. Its in the nature of being a high schooler on a trip. It drives me nuts when they can't close doors quietly or get out of my lobby so I can have five minutes of peace. I love 'em for coming and being youthful...I hate them for being loud and not understanding social constraints that surround a hotel yet.
3) Toilets and bodily functions were not my friend. Two toilets backed up and one kid puked on his bed. I am the only hotel employee on at night until 11pm. That sucks big time for helping people. Normally its not a big deal, but with the aforementioned kids in the lobby and a full house...it gets really hard to help people and even care.

Luckily I got a free pizza out of the deal and wine at a friend's house later. Thank God, because with the way I was feeling I needed to sit down. 8 Hours on my feet was not a happy day for my new friend.

Aaaand...the Day has Arrived

Today was the day. And I'm officially 98-99% baby proof for about 10 years. Woot! I'm also holed up in my apartment in fear of debillitating cramps. I guess its just part of the price to pay. Actually the whole procedure went a lot smoother than I anticipated. I was in an out of the doctor's office in about 30 minutes. I didn't faint, feel sick, or even need to hold anyone's hand. The Doctor said I did incredible and then gave me a hug which was awesome. I had just met her and she just seemed so happy for me and I think she may just know that a hug was just what I needed. I didn't feel shakey or dizzy, but a hug, even a brief half hug from a virtual stranger (who consequently had already seen all there was to see) really hit the spot. It made the whole thing feel less clinical and more personal. It was like a friend was helping me, not some lady I was paying to provide a service.

Today I've been stuck at home. Its kind of like when I had the flu two weeks ago. Except, now I have been living with ibuprofen and a heating pad. They are my best friends. I don't know what I'm going to do when its bed time. I'm hoping that my body will use the time to start to regulate itself and stop feeling so ornery.

I can't wait for Paul to come home. He had bowling tonight and plans to go out to the bar to hear a band afterwards. Part of me is a little annoyed that he isn't coming home tonight, since I'm sitting here in pain due to something that is for both of us, but on the other hand I'm no fun right now and he deserves to have a day to hang out with friends. I'm also annoyed because I can't go out with him. Its one of the weekends that I'm working nights and so is he so I could go out, but I just feel crappy. Plus I'm fairly certain 800 mg Ibuprofen does not mix with any alcohol. (Not saying I couldn't not drink...but it happens). I'm hoping too that him going out tonight won't effect him feeling alert sometime before 1:30 tomorrow. I mean, its Valentine's Day and we both have to work at night. I'm still hoping that a breakfast in bed will happen but it doesn't sound like its gonna happen. I'll find out tomorrow I guess.

Well, its either off to bed or the bars with me (I might just risk the outside world to avoid going completely stir crazy!) In any event, I'm sure the night can only get better :)

Lots of Love,
~*Ery*~

A Thrilling Thursday

So...its 1am and all I want is to hear "My Humps." Welcome to the end of $4 Cosmo night! After MUN we've been trying to do a little girls' time at a local bar that has cheep Cosmos. And its been wonderful. The only thin is, we couldn't find "My Humps" and that's all we wanted to hear. Yes, this is a tipsy post. And yes, I had a marvelous time today. It was just what I needed. A night out with friends after an incredibly easy day.

I worked for a few hours then came home for a nap. Paul was so sweet, we were supposed to nap, but he is always so concerned about me getting sleep that he tucked me in and let me sleep. I slept for about 2 hours and it was the perfect amount. Just what I needed to get me through the rest of the day.

After my nap I went shopping with Cortney. It was fun, but a little strained. I feel like we're still trying to get back to that pre-Timnah fiasco friendship and its hard. Maybe we were never as close as we thought we were. Maybe it was just college/proximity that pushed us together. I'm not sure. But we'll see. I like Cortney and we'll see if it is supposed to be a long-term in depth friendship. Not worried.

MUN. Fun as usual. I'm sad its over for this year. Possibly forever. Tears later.

Cosmos were fun. We reminisced about the time Katie sang "My Humps" and then craved McDonald's. So off we went. Since the inside was closed we went through the drive-through and then sat in the parking lot listening to the radio and just rocking out in general. So we've got, Lauren, Katie, Karl, Leah, Tom and myself wishing and praying that our request will go through before our food runs out. It did not. :( Ah Well. We had fun and that's really what matters the most.

Tomorrow I get my Paragard. YEA!!! I'm so excited and I just can't wait for it to be done and settled. I want to be done worrying about it and "seeing what will happen." Tomorrow I'll know. Yes!

Now I'm waiting for Paul to come home. I want kisses :)

Lots of Love,
~*Ery*~

Wanting

Had the most wonderful dream last night. I was on a plane trip to Hawaii. And not just an average plane...it was a little private puddle jumper that flew as smooth as could be. Plus it came with amazing food in flight. It was great! And then I woke up and was 45 minutes late for class.

I want to be back on the plane to Hawaii.

I also want to go swimming in the lake. But it just too damn cold :( Maybe that's why Hawaii popped into my head last night. Warm place with warm water and plenty of room to swim.

So I'm down to one day and two nights before insertion. I'm so excited! Its hard to believe that its coming so fast. I went out today and got a whole bunch of ibuprofen and pads. Weird...I haven't bought pads in almost 2 years now. My question remains though, why don't they have a variety pack of pads? I mean, everything else under the sun comes in a variety pack...why not pads??? Silly.

Also, I added a picture!! While not necessarily the most flattering I feel like it really suits me and my life right now. Just for reference its part of las semester cupcake night. We just had so much fun!

Lots of Love,
~*Ery*~

Itty bitty Sadness

I wonder sometimes if I don't have a little bit of SAD (Seasonal Affective Disorder). Nothing to disastrous or particularly disabling, but just enough to get me down. I wonder this because its February. Its cold, the number of days of sun when it is warm enough to go outside without freezing off the tip of one's nose are desperately few and far between. And it weighs on me. I felt it start to hit this year around the end of January. Now its mid February and i'm excited about traveling for MUN soon and my IUD on friday, and yet some how I was crying on the floor today. About hiking.

It seems like such a silly thing to be upset about and maybe it just school or girly hormones gone wild, but it feels bigger. Talk to me tomorrow though and everything will be fine and dandy. I don't get it. *Sigh* To bed with me I think. Sleep is usually good medicine when nothing else helps. (And who knows, maybe that's really all it is: sleep deprivation)

Lots of Love,
~*Ery*~

Excitement!!

Since the whole sex-thing happened Paul and I have been talking birth control. Neither of us are ready for children (I know, I know: if no want babies then no have sex...but things have changed and that's that) but we know we want them eventually. Plus with neither of us even out of school yet it is way to soon to be thinking about bringing a child into the world and then trying to support a family. So the search began.

I've always been interested in the options that are out there. I've kept relatively up to date on the Pill and the changes it has undergone (such as branching out into the Ring, and the Patch, etc.) but I've also watched the less conventional methods like the Sponge and the female condom. After doing a bunch of research I came to Paul with the idea of an IUD (the Paraguard to be specific). After explaining what it was he seemed all for it. It was nice to hear that he was pro-whatever I thought best. We both liked the absence of hormones and felt like this would really be the best option as far as long term non-baby-making goes.

About four months after making this decision I am finally getting my IUD inserted in less than a week! I've submitted multiple papers for payment plans and have been able to get everything covered through the state. YEA government health care!! I'm a low-income woman and I don't want babies yet...and you can help me!!

I've been reading about insertions and the procedure now for months and I just can't wait to get my tush on that table. Its just his huge mix of feelings about the actual day and what it will mean for Paul and I. The first time we were..."together"... we were lucky enough that it could really be just the two of us, no contraception needed. But we can't be that lucky all the time and I think it was hampering our feelings for wanting to do anything because it became more of a production than it was worth. With the IUD that production aspect will be gone. I'm hoping it will be more like the first time... and less like an orchestrated production that could be more stress than its worth.

Plus I feel like I'll be joining some secret group of IUD'd women. Its silly, but its like a little club that I can be in soon. Eee! Well the insertion is Friday morning and I'm hoping to feel up to writing in here so I can remember my "special" day :)

Lots of Love,
~*Ery*~

Pancake Party!!

So this weekend was probably the first weekend since New Years that I can genuinely say I all out enjoyed. I worked 7-3am at the hotel Friday, Saturday, and Sunday, but it didn't matter because I really made the best of my time and let my self really enjoy it.

So...pancake party.

Friday: The Department of Health apparently (per a law in the 70's) requires hotels to have food licenses to serve hot foods that require cooking, like waffles. So they shut down our waffle making operation on the 5th and that was that unless we get a license. Well we already had the batter. Long story short I have a gallon of waffle/pancake mix at my disposal that needs to be eaten in 3 days or it goes bad. WOOT!

Cut to Saturday 4pm: Todd has graciously allowed us to use his apartment for said waffle party. invitees are me, Todd, Brandon, Katie, Matt, and Nashoba. Cortney came by later and Paul came after work. With Katie's help I gathered many supplies the day before. THis was probably the most fun I've had panning a party because the concept itself was so fun and laid back. It was like having a BBQ, but inside with breakfast food. We got bacon, and sausage and fruits and syrup. Plus I had an assortment of nuts, cool whip, and choclate chips at home to add to the mix. It was like the ultimate salad bar of pancake set ups.

It was so fun to just start cooking and have people come by. It was a mall group, but so much fun. Everyone has such a similar sense of humor and I just love when a group of people get to hang out who don't normally do so. I just like combining my friends and saying "see? look...you like each other" I have so many friends that I like different things about and it makes it just that much more exciting if when I suggest bringing a mutual friend and they are excited to see each other because they don't necessarily meet up outside of through me. Its hard to explain. But I guesss I just want everyone to be happy and I was able to do that for a small group of people this weekend and in the end I had fun too!

We played Cranium and Loaded Questions which were just a riot and I can't wait to expand my board games collection. Paul always says he dislikes games like that but as soon as he gests playing he's laughing and having a good time just like everyone else. I guess he just needs to find games that are different than the traditional Sorry or Monopoly.

Lots of Love,
~*Ery*~

Another Monday

Here I am at work. Another Monday morning looking for something to occupy my time. Yet again I fall back on this blog. I wish I had kept a better record of mytime in school on here. There are so many memories that will fade away because I just didn't remember, or feel like taking the time to jot them down here. Its funny how that goes. I think its something that happens to a lot of people and then we look back and say "why didn't I just safe a piece of that day?"

Well today I'm putting some memories down in here. I'm separating them into separate entries so that they aren't huge long things to read through. Plus the tagging will be easier that way.

Lots of Love,
~*Ery*~

Happy New Year!

Happy New Year!!

It was a good year. Lots of changes.

Lately I've been trying really hard to keep a morning routine and it been really nice. I get up, shower, eat breakfast, do my check book and figure out what I have to do for the day and then start the day. Its been a great feeling not being worried that I'll forget something everyday.

Lots of Love,
~*Ery*~

My Decisions

So...Paul and I started having sex. Talk about a big development since the last post.

The birth control/sex thing is definitly a big development in the whole "life" experience. Especially with the whole waiting idea. But I think Paul and I reached this point where the not-doing was worse in the sense that we began to resent the other person. I think we both felt a disconnect sexually since nothing was happening with both people at the same time. It was one person got attention and what they liked and then the other person. It wasn't fair to either of us. Especially since the line we'd drawn in the sand kept getting pushed back and faded. By the time we did have sex it wasn't surprising or even a big deal. It literally just happened. We were both ok with it and then that was that. Now the question has become what birth control to use.

Lots of Love,

~*Ery*~

So, its been a month since my last post and amazingly...I still feel the same. Maybe not quite as sad as I did when I wrote that last entry. But the same feeling of hope that something is coming. There is a glowing future ahead of me that I have to just be willing to accept. Its hard.



I feel like sometimes there are forces that "get in the way" of what I want to do. But maybe, they aren't in the way. Maybe I have to stop fighting the natural progression of events. Go with the flow. It used to be my mantra on here and I think I need to get back to it. I know what is going on with my life and I know what I want. But there are things I can't control. I can't control other people. I can't control Fate, or Destiny, or whatever name you call it. I believe firmly that there is a general plan laid out for each person. Yes, you make descisions. Yes those decisions have consequences. But in the end I think that there are certain events, people, and occurences that you can't avoid. No matter what choices you make. Those things and people are meant for you.



Its a new school year now.

Reading Alone

So I'm sitting here in the kitchen tinking that its really late and I wish Paul was here. And I start thinking about how much it sucks that he doesn't want to be here with me at night and that I feel really lonely. My thoughts go to that dark place where I start doubting us and everything we have. I question it and I question myself, my friends, my family. I wonder why I am alone. Why Paul isn't knocing down brick walls to get to me. And I realied that I've been reading too much romance.

For instance, the series I just "finished" (I got to the last completed book...not sure what's next) centered around a brotherhood that were totally devoted to their women. THey would kill other men for getting too close and had incredible sex drives and wanted all the time. The love is ideal and perfect and they came together in a mix of fate and hard headed-ness that takes only days or even hours to be realized. Its unrealistic. As much as that is desirable, its not true. Its fiction. I have a man that loves me. He tells me. He would be crushed if I left for any reason, be it my will or not. And I love him. He puts a smile on my face and when I really do need him he's there. He'll hold me when I'm sad and laugh with me when I'm happy.

Sure, its not perfect. We fight and make-up, but I have to let this book version go. That all consuming love is something to take cues from, not lust after. I can want him and sow him everyday. I can be there for him and fight for him. The book can't. And one day, I think he will do the same for me. I have to stop waiting for each new day to bring about a miraculous change. Just like I'm slowly evolving and improving myself, so is he. One day, we'll be ready for each other; one day we'll be together at the same place. Even if we're only there for a moment...it will happen. That is what I have to put my trust in. The belief that one day we'll meet with the exact same amount of passion and respect. It will be a glorious moment to be hoped for again once it ends. We're human, not fiction. We'll change as the seasons do if not more rapidly.

I love Paul. And, with time, I will grow to love my own achingly slow growth towards him.

Lots of Love,
~*Ery*~