The Day After

Hmmm So yesterday was bittersweet, like dark chocolate. As I menioned last night we went to the club. Which was cool. I love going dancing and I had a marvelous time. But after that things sort of left a bad aftertaste. WE went to Mark's to stay and that felt wrong. So wrong. I know now, hindsight is always 20/20, that I could have gone to Mark's and styed till 3 or so and then had my mom or dad coe get me. But no, I folded to peer pressure and this want that I hate, to "see what its all about". I don't even know exactly what it is that I wan to experience, bt I feel like I missed somthing in highschool. I'm not sure what but I think its some sterotypical party/boyfriend thing. Because truthfuly I never had a true experience with either and I feel somehow less prepared and less mature going into this new experience.

Today, a thought came into my head to describe what I believe I'm feeling a lot of the time. Budding sexuality. I'm finding how I feel and what I want in a relationship. And I have found that I don't realy know. I want to be held and caressed in that way that lovers have...but then I want to be hugged. Like a big bear hug and be able to just rest my head on his shoulder. I want to be comfortable enough with myself and him to truly let loose. To be able to say this is what I want and watch I can do this, and blah. I'm in a poo-y mood. I'm tired and sad and I'm leaving soon.

I've been avoiding this topic for a long time. But I'm leaving in two days and I don't know what I'm gonna do. Everyone I talk to seems so ready and excited and happy. And I'm that but I'm also so scared. No one that I've talked to is in anywhere near the same boat as me. I'm going 8hrs (on a good day) away to a school where I don't know anyone and I'm going to be all alone in this new environment. I can't come home on weekends or for Labor Day. As it is I don't know if I'm coming home for Thanksgiving. And that scares me. I said good-bye to four of my best friends in the past week. I've known Jen since preschool, Dana since 5th grade and Nancy and Jackie since 9th grade. I don't know what I'm gonna do without them. Adn thats where I am.

__________________________________________
Now word of today. I don't feel very learning inclined.

~*Ery*~