Three Weeks

Ooooo, Exciting right? Three whole weeks, what could the countdown be? Oh hmmm nothing so marvelous as spring break (although that is in three weeks and will be my salvation). No. This is not so much a countdown as a prison sentence. Gordon. Timnah's boyfriend/soon-to-be-fiance will be staying with us for three weeks starting this Friday. Oh yes. It went from: "OH Erycca, Gordon is coming up the week before break and staying so that we can get everything all straightened out job wise and such for the baby." Ok. Who am I to say, no your Baby's Daddy can't stay here. Then it turned into: "Well, he really misses me and wants to see me so he's gonna come up a week earlier, is that ok?? *pout/puppy eyes*" Ugh. Fine, I guess, whatever, its only two weeks, I can survive. I'll be grumpy, but I'll survive. But then today I walk in the room and this is how the conversation goes:
"Ery, can I borrow your card I need to get hockey tickets" --Timnah
"For who?" --Me (Tmnah is a cheerleader at hockey games...she doesn't need a ticket)
"Gordon." -- Timnah
"So he's coming this week then?" --Me
"Well he says its an 80% chance that he'll be here this weekend" *Big huge cheesy smile that screams 'I didn't know but maybe I had an inkling htat I didn't tell you about'* --Timnah
"Eh, uh, yeah you can use my card." (WHat the heck!?!? THis time she doesn't even bother to ask me??? SHe just assumes it will be ok??? How does that work??? And on top of it, I know he didn't just spring the whole idea on her...she had to knowthat he was thinking about it. I mean for goodness sakes they talk three times a day on the phone!) *Gives her a wary look* --Me
"I swear I didn't know he would be able to until now!" -- Timnah

And there is the kicker. She didn't know it was for certain, so she didn't bother to tell me. It seems to me that there is a lot of this not telling Ery stuff going on. And I for one, don't like it. not one bit. It pisses me off that she doesn't bother to tell me important things. Like when she is upset at me over something, or when she and her boyfriend are making plans, WHICH INVOLVE ME.

So, for three weeks I will be living with a person that, a) I don't particularly like b) I'm not supposed to be living with...since he is not Timnah and c) a person that is going to be invading my personal space (its onl a 12x12 room, there isn't a lot of space) Oh sweet Spring Break.

That I long for my break not because of a lack of schoolwork, but because of a lack of Gordon. It sort of ruins the whole experience of anticipation. Boo. I'm very upset right now.

Unfortunately that seems to be the case quite often right now. I'm very rarely in a purely good mood. There is usually something weighing on my mind.

What with TImnah and Cortney constantly having this chip on their shoulders about me or Paul or something. Its weird, you'd think we would be past this point where we for little alliances against the third person. Because its there, and its not just me who can see it. I know that Paul sees it, but hes involved in it (which I'll elaborate on in a minute) and Ben can feel that something is wrong. I don't think he's clear on what, but he knows thta its them against me. We sit at lunch (us four Ben, myself, Timnah and Cortney) and there will be long minutes of silence. And we eat. And its so uncomfortable And when we do talk I don't talk much and Timnah and Cortny seem to try and either provoke me or ignore me completely.

For example: Today I was talking about how people who don't eat but sit around and talk are annoying when I'm closing up the cafeteria and Cortney says oh well I do that, and I say well you should go talk somewhere else so we can clos up faster (not unreasonable I thought) and she's like, no I want to talk here (Why is that necessary I ask you). So I told her to fuck off and then all talk stopped. Its the first time I've let any of the stuff I'm feeling come out. And for some reason I felt bad. I didn't do anything to be treated like this (thats not really a good example...it wasn't really directed at me but blah). So yeah. Ben was just kind of like, hmmm silence. And then it continued, the silence that is.

So yeah, Paul knows. How could he not, the whole hting started when Timnah started telling him stuff about changing me (already described in another post). And its continued. First theres the "you can't share a bed, let me tell her" lie and then its just how we are treated when he is here. .

Stuff

Ok so here are the nice short facts of all the stuff thats going on:

1. Timnah is prenant.
2. I can't stand Timnah's boyfriend, I think he's a jerk, she could do better but yeah, baby.
3. They're getting married and blah all that stuff.
4. Timnah thinks she knows everything ablut having a baby/pregnancy just because she's prenant and it bugs me.
5. She doesn't want to tell anyone, but she's told lots of people already.
6. I can't tell Paul which means I had to lie to him when he asked what the test came out (because I told him there was a "scare" before she said I couldn't tell)
7. Its my fault I had to lie because of idle gossip stuff I shouldn't have brough tup in the first place.
8. We were all going to go to Myrtle Beach for Spring break but I didn't want to go so I backed out because of "money issues" which was the truth, but I really didn't want to go.
9. Now i'm going somewhere with Paul and I feel sort of bad, but our trip is going to be cheaper and unrestrained
10. Unrestrained as in Timnah wasn't going to let us share a bed when we went with the group. Which is silly because we sleep together when he is here, and her boyfriend sleeps with her when he's over, so it is a silly thing to say in the first place.
11. WHats worse is that she told Paul she'd tell me, and then she never did.
12. I haven't said anything about it because things are tense as it is.
13. I'm sort of glad she's pregnant and moving out because now the tension will be gone after this semester and I won't have to worry about feelings being hurt when I say I don't want to room with her.
14. Cortney wants to move in with someone else so I don't have to worry about that either
15. I can go into a roommate blind, we don't have to be friends or anything, just coexist.
16. Ummm I'm feeling bitchy and tired and I miss Paul and I don't really feel like saying anything else now, I'm done.

~*Ery*~

I need to Post more Often

I have to say: I am a bad blogger and should be punished, becaus eIhave not kept up with my posting duties. Heehee. Anywho. This is really a continuation as to why the end of semester sucked so much. Because it didn't hend there, unfortunately. Oh where to start.

1.) Okay, we'll start with the biggest and first issue that occured. I shall set the scene. Its Saturday night, the night of Marc's going away party in the dorms. I have just finished a six hour shift, I'm tired, pretty much sick of people, I'm being required, practically, to go over to Marc's for some drunken revels, I miss my boyfriend, I want a hug, and I'm basically just feeling pissy. So, the mood is set. I'm talking to Paul online, basic venting and complaining when out of the blue he says: "wow this is weird, Timnah is laying into me" (or something to that effect). Now mind you, Timnah is right next to me practicaly and she has given no indication that she is talking to Paul or that she has any issue with him. So I ask him to elaborate. He says that she says (this is really quite ridiculous sounding when it is all typed out) that "he changes me, makes her feel uncomfortable, and left out of everything". She made it abundently clear, to him at least, that he was unwelcome and unappreciated in both hers and Cortney's eyes. This is quite a statement for one's roomy to be making, while saying nothing to her roommate (me). But I remain quiet as per Paul's request so he can try and talk to her himself first and try and figure everything out. Around this time Marc comes barreling in (as we all do) and wondering when Timnah and I are coming over. I say my good byes to Paul and leave. Timnah states that she is "having a serious conversation" and will be in later. So I go to Marc's feeling like shit (sorry) and basically just wanting to get the night over with and forgotten. So the drinking begins (stupid stupid stupid stupidest reason to drink). Timnah comes in about a half hour later, stays for half an hour and then leaves to go somewhere else. Now, I would just like to mention that this party has been in the plans for about three weeks, so she basically dumped us all to go to some one else's party. Long story short, I drank too much too fast talked to Paul drunk and went to bed. Managed to get up and go to work the next day w/o a hangover (yea!) and then came home feeling just as crappy as I had the day before after hearing what Timnah had to say from Paul. So I go back to the room, talk to Cortney about what Timnah said and went to Church (Cortney was resonable, said she loved Paul to death and didn't really feel that strongly towards anything Timnah had said). I'm now waiting for Timnah to get home so I can talk to her. She gets home and we "talk". Its in quotes because she basically shot me down. With her there is a point, where she won't really converse with you unless she wants to, and it was clear she didn't really want to have the conversation with me. She basically said that Paul overreacted, he does change me, and that I shouldn't worry my pretty little head about it. As we sat in silence she turned it all around and asked if I was going to sit around and be mad at her. I said "No, but it hurts that you talked to my boyfriend first before me." and she said that "it just came up with him, you weren't here and I knew as soon as I said something you would hear about it from him...but I figured we could just talk it out later" I would just like to point out that that is a bold faced lie. I was in the room while they discussed it. She said nothing and I had to bring the subject up. She LIED TO ME and that, is the big issue here. I just nodded, said ok, and left it alone. In hindsight I probably should have questioned her. But we'll just see how things will work out. I'll just note, that I am still upset over this, and I don't know how this next semester is going to work out. I'm basically holding a grudge, I don't like it, but I also don't like being lied to. I don't really know what to do about it. Going with my old stand by...the flow, going with the flow.

2.) I had a crappy sleep schedule the week of exams. Sunday I was up till 2 talking all the above crap out with Paul, and then didn't et to bed till three just due to my own dilly dallying in getting into bed. At about 5 am Cortney came in and had an emotional break down for an hour. Weeee. Monday I ended up sleeping on Pat's loveseat downstairs because Timnah was having a screaming fight with her ex in our room. Needless to say, loveseats are not built to be slept on. Tuesday preceeded with no interuptions and I got to sleep in, I had plenty of sleep. Which resulted in my being awake till 3 on Wednesday night trying to sleep. And then finals were done and I was relieved.

3.) Christmas came. It was fun. I missed my love, but I dealt.

4.) Paul came down for New Years! Yea! It was great. He was here for a total of 5 days and he met lots of people and we had a lots of cuddling and I love him so much, and wish I could have gone back up north with him. I missed him so much, and I'm goning to be missing him a lot by the time I go back up there too.

5.) Marc, Nancy, Jackie, Timnah, and I are all going to see a pro basketball game before school starts. It should be very fun. I'm excited to see how Marc and Nancy get along since they have both confided that they have a slight crush on the other...but neither knows that (heehee).

Ok. So I got through everything. Its not too lngthy, except for the first story, but yeah thats a whole bunch of drama.

Lots of love and Good Wishes for the New Year,
~*Ery*~

End of Semester

The end of semester...sucks, just for the record. I hate it so much. This is the only time in the whole time I've been here that I've felt truly crappy. I just want this weekend and next week to be over. I have finals all next week and a party on Saturday and work saturday and sunday. Its never so much that I want to go home, I'm just sick of learning stuff right now. I need a break from worrying about grades and papers and projects. And this week has been a rough one for Paul and I.

It started off with me being uncomfortable with something he told me while we were drinking on Saturday night. He told me that he could see himslef spending the rest of his life with me and having children with me. And I'm just not comfortable with that. I mean, I'm 18, I can't even be thinking about that stuff yet. Even if I do love him. I mean, its only been three months. But then, at the same time, it scares me. Because I just can't bring myself to take that final jump of faith. That final leap into the great unknown with him. So we had to discuss that, but he left early so I couldn't talk to him till monday, and even then it was online which is not what I wanted at all. But it had to be that way because face-to-face time can't happen till next week. Then today it was his turn to have a problem. Well technically it was both our problems both times but anyway. On Sunday, after the campus movie, Timnah, Marc, Ben and I were waiting to go to McDonalds in Marc's room. While we were waiting we were all kind of goofying off and in the process several pictures were taken of Ben and I. All clothing was on and everything, but the positions were "compromising" lets say. Let me say right now, that as soon as the camera became involved I became aware that I didn't really feel comfortable with the situation. But I didn't really have a good reason for saying anything. So when Ben asked for the pictures to post I sent them. Well Paul saw them and it made him feel really really insecure. On top of it he had already had a bad day. So when he IM'd me and told me my whole world felt like it caved in. I felt like I had been cruel and unthoughtful of his feelings. I immediatly made Ben remove the pictures. But I still feel like the worst girlfriend in the world. I guess I just hadn't realized that I'm taken, and that means not taking anything for granted. So now more than anything I just wish I could get to Tech so I could just hug him and tell him how truly apologetic I am. I would cry if I saw him right now, just break down in his arms.

And this weekend I just don't feel up to doing anything but of course I have to work on Saturday for six hours then have a going away party for Marc after which I have to be up by 9 for another 6 hours of work. THe next week is finals, which is going to be awful till Thursday afternoon. After 2 I'm done. Paul will be coming down and I can just stop caring so much. All of us still here are going dancing and then I don't know, its just relaxation till Sunday morning when I go home.

Ok. I'm done for now, but I had to let it all out. Holding it in doesn't really work too well for me.

~*Ery*~

Gobble gobble!

Thanksgiving break is just ended and I have to say, it wasn't all that great. I mean it was wonderful seeing all my friends again (I wouldn't have traded that time for the world!!) But I don't know, the holidays just aren't feeling as celebratory as before. I love being "home" and everything, but while I'm there I miss being here at my other "home". I don't know if its the people or the place but I love it up here so much.

I think, in fact that I could live up here. I could stay in this little city, or in a little town somewhere up north here. I don't know though, leave my entire family and everything I've ever known? My mom did it, could I? I have this feeling that I could. And I guess I can always move back...but I don't know if I want to. *CONFUSED*

Paul doesn't help the situation much either. I mean I love him so much. I hate being far away from him so much. The miles and hours just seem to stretch and deepen, and suddenly I feel alone and floating free. I hated that feeling when I went back to my house. But as soon as I get within two hours of him I feel safe and secure and not so alone. Oy, I love him so. : D

Such confusion. I don't kow if I want to keep my major of ecology. But if I don't then what am I gonna do? So I got this Focus thing from the Academic and Career Advisement people...hopefully that will give me some ideas, or at least some careers to research.

~*Ery*~

P.S. This post was taken from a public one that I recently started. So I adjusted it a bit. Thats why its not written in my usual style. Hmmmm I haven't written in a while. Nothing really to tell. There used to be snow, but its all melted. Oh well, we'll get more, I have no doubt of that.

Why?

Why must we live so far apart? Why must I miss him so much? Why can't I see him for two weeks? Why does my heart ache as I think of the longe weeks ahead of me? WHy can't it all work out perfectly? Why do I feel this deep down empty feeling? Why does it hurt? Why can't I write it down? Why do I love him so much it hurts? Why do I love him so much I can see it reflected in his eyes? Why does he love me so much? WHy is he everything I've ever wanted and needed?

I miss him so much. I want to cry. I can't cry, because I know I shouldn't an dI know it would dig deep into his heart to know I cried. I wote hima love letter. I gave it to him. He cried. I diddn't see it, but he told me. He told me no one has ever meant as much to him as I do. I feel the same way about him and it hurts when we're far away. I want to just forget for a while. I can't sleep because my mind won't shut down. It won't stop going around and around and reflecting on the fact that he is not next to me. That he can't squeeze me and make me feel better. I miss my love. I miss Paul. I feel like a blathering idiot. its been three days. I miss him because I know its not going to get any shorter. I'd be fine except we keep watching these movies where everyone falls in love nad lives happily ever after and hugs and kisses, and I have no one to share it with.

On the upside it snowed today and I was excited. Well I acted excited, I don't know if I trully was as excited as I acted. I do that sometimes. Act a certain way to cover up how I feel inside. I guess you could call it a way of protecting myself from feeling too much. I don't like that I do it, because sometimes I feel fake, but then again I was really happy about hte fleeting snow so maybe that was my true feeling. I don't want to leave it here. I miss my friends back home, but I could move here. I could live the rest of my life here. I don't know. I need to lay down and just pass out. I feel a change coming. I have a feeling its something good, but I feel it coming, I'm afraid.

I miss him.

~*Ery*~

Road Trip!!

Haha not really...well sort of, I don't know. Two hours doesn't seem like a long time when it takes 8 to get home. Anyway, thats really not the point I'm aiming for here. The point I'm going for is that I went driving to to Tech this weekend to see my beloved, Paul. And I had such a good time. I finally have faces and personalities to put with people that he talks about all the time. And they are all such great people, not hta tI wan't expecting that. Truth be told I was soooo nervous. As in, stomach tied up in knots for most of friday when I go there. I mean, you refriends are closer to his family sometimes and I just so much wanted to fit in, at least a little bit. And I did! His friends, are just as nice and fun as he had described them to me, and from what he told me online, they like me too! I guess they told him that he shouldn't give me up, and I told him that I agree. I love him so.

Oh, to leave the one you love. As I mentioned, watching him walk away was hard...leaving him though, was the hardest thing ever. I had to practically throw myself into the car to avoid falling apart. And I literally mean I was close to tears, as I have ever beeen in my life over a person. I mean, its a week, but its damn hard to leave him. And then to pull away. My heart aches now, just thinking about it. I mean, I was walking down the hallway tonight and I had this strange empty feeling that I couldn't quite put my finger one (I was "home" around all the people I know and love here at school why did I feel alone?) and then I realized, I didn't have Paul walking with me, talking to me holding my hand, chasing me while trying to pat my behind (long story...short version: everybody gets them if they bend over near him, I ge them just because he can and i let him) or tickle me. I was missing his nearness. It sucks. It sucks sucks sucks. I left him a love letter though. I know he got it because I told him where to find it when I talked to him online, well sorta. He found a pair of my shorts nad I told him to check under his pillow to make sure I didn't leave anything there either. So I know he'll find it since I left it under his pillow. I'm a nerd. I know. I just had to do it. I emailed him the post: I could love you. He was really happy. I was amazed to find out that even though we didn't say it to each other till a week later, he had told his friends that same week that I wrote that post that he thought he loved me. Crazy, huh.

Anywho. I'm bedding down because I have a 9 o'clock class and it is now 2 in the am and I should be sleeeeeping!!!

Panic

I think I paniced (that looks funny) there for a second. Wow. It was scary. But, then I talked to Paul, and just hearing his voice reassured me of my feelings for him. Either way, I think I'll have to tell him that I need to slow down a bit. That things are getting to serious too fast. I don't want to, but I have to. He'll understand, I know he will, I'm just scared.

On a lighter note, I'm so excited for this weekend. For starters, my friend Jeff (the guy I was seeing for a week back in December) is coming up to see a friend of his, and he's gonna stop by and hang with me for an hour or so. He'd chill with me longer since he'll be here all weekend but I'm going up to Tech to see Paul. Yea!! And I just found a ride today. I was so stressed because I hadn't found one yet, and then I called this girl and she's able to give me a ride and I'm excited.

I started a flickr account to post pictures on. I'm excited.

http://www.flickr.com/photos/erysheep

Come and see them...if you promise not to stalk me all will be well.

~*Ery*~

Questions

Help.

I'm drowning. I don't know what to do, say, feel, express. I'm lost. I don't know what I'm doing. I can't find my way all alone. I'm not ready for this. Its too big. I'm retreating and I don't know why. I need to talk but I don't know how to say it. I need to tell him to slow down, but I can't seem to get off the train. Its barreling down on me so fast and I love him, but I'm running from his love at the same time. I don't know how to hold it inside me. I haven't given him a part of myself yet. I can feel it. There is too much inside me. Like there are one too many pieces. I want to give him that piece, I just don't know how. How do I trust in the unknown future? I don't know what to do. I want to tell him this, but I can't seem to find the words. Its all so physical, where do my words go? He is the one person that I should be able to talk to about anything, and yet I can't. That most secret part of me is only left open, here, on this blank page where no one judges. What if he judges? He won't, not to my face. I can't make myself believe that he won't do it inside, deep down where no one sees but him. Where did this mistrust come from? I hate it. Who left me and has since scarred me so deep that I can't even find the source of the distrust? Who judged me so long ago and so hurtfully that I can't get around their words?

Help.

How do I say slow down? How do I say I want you, but I can't? How do I explain that my mind, body, and heart are on different sides?

Help.

My mind and body are saying go on, its okay, you want this. My heart is saying wait wait wait...you want to wait...the time isn't right yet. Which side do I listen to? Society says to listen to my mind and body. My upbringing and faith say heart. Where is the line? Have I crossed it? Can I go back? Can I just spit it out like that?

Help.

Its not supposed to be easy. Is it supposed to be this hard? I don't know what to do. I don't know if what I'm feeling is normal. I just don't know. I just know that its dark, and I don't like how I feel right now. I don't like this unsure feeling. Isn't hte one thing you are sure of supposed to be your love?

Help.

~*Ery*~

Halloween

Weeeee!! Its me and Paul! For the record, he did not enjoy wearing my skirt or makeup and grumbled the entire half hour that he wore it and was not in public (while in public he had a fun time frolicing...I love him so, and for so many of these little things). I'm not usually this tall to him but I had boots on so I actually was within a comfortable kissing range, usually I have to get up on my tip toes and kiss him quick. But yeah this is Halloween in the dorms. We "celebrated" a couple days early so we could actually celebrate rather than just wish each other a happy halloween and then go to bed. Anyway we all dressed up and went out...to the video store to rent movies after which we all came home and changed. But yeah so if you couldn't tell Paul was a girl (as was Marc) they hated it but let Timnah, Cortney and I have our fun anyway. Timnah was a lounge singer, Cortney was a slutty pirate gypsy...yeah...and I was a french whore...I don't think I would have made very much though becasue I kept giving free kisses away to Paul heehee. So yeah it was fun.

I found that watching someone walk away from you is so much worse than just knowing that they are going. I watched Paul as he walked down my hall after saying goodbye and I wanted to just run up behind him and tell him he couldn't go, but I know that it is so hard for him to go and I wouldn't want him to so I just watched. And it hurt. Because I don't ever want to have to see him turn away from me. So from now on there will be no watching as he walks away, because it hurts too much. I miss him already and he's only been gone for 14 hours. Oy I'm in love deep.

I'm going to sleep I'm tired goodnight now.

~*Ery*~

He said,

"You want to know a secret?" I nodded.
"I love you." I smiled, and kissed him, then said,
"You want to know another secret?" He nodded.
" I love you too." He smiled and hugged and kissed me. And we lay there, on my bed, and hugged and gave each other quick peck-like kisses. Nothing more. A gentleness and warmth surrounded us that called for no more. We were together and in love and didn't need to do anything more to show it.

I love Paul!! And yes I can say it now without fear of rejection or differences in where our feelings stand. I'm in love, and I love love love love love love it! He is my lover. My boyfriend, Paul, who I love. I didn't expect it, he completely suprised me. I can't say it enough. I love him. I want to shout it to the world and hold it secret to my chest so the warmth hits my heart directly. I'm going to go glow!

~*Ery*~

P.S. When he said those three little words, it was like a storybook. My heart danced and leaped and I felt like I could fly.

Just another Manic Monday

Monday's are...interesting days. I hate Moday mornings, I mean I ddespise them with such loathing, that tehre are days when I feel like screaming obscenities until noon, simply because they never seem to go well. I believe most of this problem stems from a lack of sleep. Because I have this tendency to not sleep very much during the weekend. I go to bed at 5 or 6 in the morning and get up at 2...and granted its 8 hours of sleep, but htat is not the correct time to go to bed, I should also mention that these are approximates based on when I get into bed. Because, I have to be honest here, if Paul and I are sleeping to gether there are periods during the night that, while we are on a bed, we are not necessarily sleeping yet/still. So then Sunday night comes around, and my body has finally adjusted to my wacked out sleep schedule and then I go and change it again. Except its hard to change, so I go to bed around 2:30 and get up at 7:20 and I'm exhausted from not getting enough sleep. SO that is not a good start to a day. There is no hot food served on Mondays so I am forced to get cereal (I actually like cereal...but gosh darnit I want the to choose the cereal not be forced it). Anyway, then I'm all tired an ticked about my breakfast an dI must go to the most boring and pointless class on my schedule and listen to my professor ramble for an hour. Off to work for two and 3/4 hours then to a two hour class, and then lunch. Lunch is usually around 3pm. That is the end of my morning in my mind.

ANd then I like Mondays. For some reason they get better around lunch time. I don't know why, it just does. Actually I don't usually mind working or that last class but they are so packed in that it makes me crazy. Then I have an hour to kill before biology and then the rest of the day to myself. I guess I kinda like Mondays way back there in the back of my mind, it keeps me on my toes.

I have a confession. I keep all of the sweet little things that Paul puts in his info and away messages on AIM. I file them away in a folder. I like them a lot. And thats that. These are a couple lines from a Sarah McLachlan song that made think of what was in my last blog.


Peace in the struggle to find peace.
Comfort on the way to comfortand

If I shed a tear I won't cage it.
I won't fear love
and if I feel a rage I won't deny it
I won't fear love.
I won't fear love.
I won't fear love...

Yeah, no love fearing. I like it. I also like Paul, a lot. Hmmmm. It was such a lovely weekend. I love being with him. I don't feel like putting it down right now because I feel repetitive.

~*Ery*~

I could love you

I wrote this during my Sociology while I was busy not paying attention. I was just going to throw it away, but I figured it wouldn't hurt to put it on here.

I could love you. But I can't let myself use that word. I don't want to get hurt. I'm afraid of how you make me feel. You make me forget everything. My world become you, and you are my everything. I could get lost in your arms; wrapped around me, they hold me so close, I can feel your heartbeat. When we sleep I feel your strength and breath, I know I am safe. While you are near I can be free of fear. You make me want what I can't have. I want to touch you all over, to cover every inch of you with kisses, and keep you next to me forever. I can't get my fill of you, of your body, your mind, of you. You let me be me, and I could love you for that.

I wrote that as a letter to Paul. I just sort of let my emotions all come out on the paper. I have to admit, I was suprised at how easily it flowed out of me. I didn't have to think very hard about it, and it was easy to write. I suppose thats how love letters go. I don't kow if I'll ever give it to him, but at least I have it written down now in case I ever decide that I need to show him how I feel. I don't know. This is just such a new feeling. I don't know what to do with it, I guess the easy answer would be to tell him, but I don't think I can. I'm too afraid of it myself. Yes, I know that without the leap you'll never know what is at the bottom, but it still frightens me. This feeling that if he left, I might die. No, thats wrong. Its not that strong, but the hurt would be so deep. And this scares me, I can think about an end, not because I want to, but because I won't let myself think to far ahead. I can't just let myself go, I can't let go. I'm holding up a wall around my heart and I can't just open the gates and let it out. I'm disgusted by my world weariness, this jaded, blase feeling of: oh I know how these things go. I hate this hesitation in everything I do. I just want to let go of my restraint and fear and just let myself be. Ok. I'm back to this old mantra again. Go with the flow. I'm going with the flow, but I'm doing it with a look forward to the fork in the river that I like more. The one where we are together. Paul and Ery. Ery and Paul. Go with the flow, but I'm not leaving my paddle on shore.

~*Ery*~

Loooong Survey

1. If you won the lottery, would you consider donating a percentage of the money?:Yes...not sure what that percentage would be, but there would be some donating involved.
2. Would you consider getting Botox injections to your armpits to decrease sweating?: Botox does that? SUre why not sweating is icky.
3. Do you wear a lot of corduroy?: No. Random.
4. Does the weather have a very large impact on your moods?: Maybe...don't really know.
5. If you had a child, do you think your child would have any reason to be ashamed of you?: who says yes, my child would be a ashamed of me, I mean really who says yes?
6. Do you buy eggnog around the holidays?: EEEEEEEEWWWWW!
7. Did you play cowboys and Indians when you were a small child?: nope we played cops and car thief.
8. Do you watch your neighbors from your windows?: Sometimes...when they are outside
9. Do you live within 5 miles of a lake?: Oh yes I do...within 5 minutes of a lake.
10. Do you believe that personality is everything?: No, there is something to be said about looks. I know that sounds shallow but its the truth.

11. When someone says they love you, do you natrually want to say it back, even if you don't mean it?: Yes, but no one has ever said "I love you" to be and it was false for me to say it back.
12. Do you have any real reason to be depressed?: No...I have a good life
13. Do you have more respect for the United Nations or the United States? Erm, UN...no none they don't do anything as far as I'm concerned. US...yes I do, but I'm biased.
14. Is it concieted to consider oneself unique?: No its natural
15. Would it fill your heart with joy to see other people crying for you?: Not if I was dying or something, but I guess I could be filled with joy if they were crying at my wedding or something.
16. Do you think the war in Iraq will end in 2005?: No this is gonna take a while.
17. Do you know anyone who has ever been held hostage?: No...But Paul said he's gonna kidnap me sometime.
18. If your teenage son impregnated a girl, would you force him to do whatever it took to support her?: Hell yes, you take care of what you made. He doesn't have to marry her, but he will be in that child's life as much as I caould force him to be.
19. Are angels creepy?: No, their beautiful.
20. Do you think the New England accent is annoying?: No, but its hard to understand sometimes.

21. Which print do you prefer: leopard or zebra?: Leopard.
22. Would you break up with someone if you thought they were too pompous and arrogant?: Yeah... that's so annoying.
23. If you saw a hurt animal, would you try and help it?: Yeah, I'd at least call a vet or somethingif I couldn't
24. Do you think there will be another terrorist attack now that Bush is re-elected?: How should I know
25. Should a license be required to have children?: No, that is a God-given right, not man-given
26. When on an airplane, do you hope to meet someone interesting sitting near you?: Yeah, but its so hard nowadays to meet strangers.
27. Do you come from a large family?: Nope
28. Would you ever purposely let your country's flag touch the ground?: I do what I can to avoid it.
29. Is it difficult for you to decline a date from someone you are not interested in?: A bit
30. Are people in online relationships just fooling themselves?: Yeah

31. Does it bother you that Rhode Island isn't really an island?: Yeah a bit
32. If Hillary Clinton were to leave her husband, would your opinion on her go up or down?: Not my place to judge.
33. Do you ever run with scissors?: Not unless I forget that I have scissors.
34. Have you done something illegal today?: Ummmm nope, I've been good so far. :)
35. Which is worse: Being labeled, or being a nobody?: Being labeled
36. Do you think someone will ever try to assasinate Michael Moore?: Yeah
37. What song are you listening to at this very second? A song on TV, about the moon.
38. Would you rather have a square or a round pizza?: Round.
39. Are you afraid of being famous for doing something stupid?: Yeah but its not that bad I swear.
40. If the Pope has a liver transplant, is he still infalliable?: Yes...in case it was unclear, the Pope is only infallible in matters of faith, not health.

41. Has the world really changed that much since 9/11?: Its more scared
42. Do you think the diary of Anne Frank is genuine?: Yup
43. If your best friend's partner was bisexual, would you approve?: Her choice not mine.
44. If Satan walked up to you on the street and offered you BBQ Chicken, would you accept his gift?: Erm, do I know he is Satan?
45. Would you say that your country is liked by the rest of the world?: No.
46. Do you feel like the majority of the world is ignorant?: No we all have something to offer.
47. Do you help control anger by writing songs, poems, etc?: No I'm not creative like that.
48. Do you view bandanas as gang symbols?: If they are being worn for that prupose then yes, if I put on a bandana, though, I don't mean it to be a gang symbol.
49. Do you need to "clean up your act"?: Nope.
50. Do you have a celebrity crush?: No not really.

51. Are you a good storyteller?: Yeah, bu tonly if its really a good story.
52. Are your computer speakers usually turned on?: No, because if I don't have music on the computer tends to make a bunch of noise.
53. Do you have a life dream that no one else knows about?: No.
54. Do puppies melt your heart?: Yeah.
55. Do you think that someone who doesn't drink alcohol AT ALL is weird?:No I have quite a few friends who don't drink AT ALL.
56. Are you a racist scumbag?: No
57. If you try to fail, and succeed, which have you done?: nothing
58. Do you think Americans are scared of change?: A bit.
59. Are Vegan diets healthy?: If the person doing the diet is smart about it, then yes.
60. Do you enjoy watching shows that deal with forensics?: Not really, bu thten I don't watch a whole lot of TV.

61. At this rate, are you going to Heaven or Hell?: Heaven... I would hope.
62. Could there be a terrorist attack in your area?: No...I think the campus is pretty safe.
63. Do you worry about food safety?: No.
64. Can bitchy behavior be self-justified?: Yes, I mean there are limits to that though too.
65. Do you have over 100 people on your buddy list?: Yup, 111.
66. Do you relax when you are around animals?: Depends on the animals.
67. Would you like to be able to read thoughts?: No
68. In your opinion, is it wrong to say "Oh my God!"?: Yeah, but it has seeped into my vocab.
69. Do you like your strawberries dipped in chocolate or covered in sugar?: Heehee, both
70. Do you think any hip hop songs have good messages in them?: Yes, we all have adifferent view on life and how it works, that is just one other sperson's view.

71. Do you feel sorry for Martha Stewart?: No.
72. Do certain swear words just roll of your tongue?: Haha hell yeah
73. What hurts more, knife cuts or paper cuts?: Never had a knife cuts so I must say paper
74. When you hug someone, do you wrap your arms around their neck or their waist?: Both, one arm up one down...although, I always hug Paul around the waist because thats easier to reach.
75. Do you use your mind enough?: Gosh no.
76. Would you rather own a parrot or a hen?: A hen!!
77. Do you know anyone who has been diagnosed with Obsessive-Compulsive Disorder?: No.
78. Do you have any idea what you will be doing 10 years from now?: Nope and that scares me.
79. Do you pre-plan your meals?: Well considering that I can't choose what he cafeteria serves...
80. Pet owners: If your pet was a human, would it be gay or straight?: Straight

81. Would you like to be cloned?: No.
82. Do you believe that your name fits your personality?: Yeah
83. Were your parents born in the same decade?: Nope.
84. Do you exercise before you eat in the morning?: No, I tried that and I was HUNGRY!!
85. Were you a pround owner of a snap bracelet?: Nope, don't own oen, therefore not proud.
86. Is it better to be single or in a relationship?: I'm liking the relationship right now.
87. Do you think police officers have the right to use a stun gun on a 13-year old?: Depends.
88. Which is the better way to discipline a child: Depends, each child and situation is different.
89. Would you let your child spend the night at Michael Jackson's house?: No you don't tempt fate, even if he isn't a convicted child molestor you don't set yourself up.
90. Do you often forget what day it is?: Yes.

91. Do your grandparents play bingo a lot?: My grandma used to
92. Do you own a copy of Thriller by Michael Jackson?: I wish.
93. Do you prefer reading or writing?: Reading.
94. Do you prefer hamsters or gerbils?: Gerbils.
95. Do you think animals have a religion?: No.
96. Are you a powerful person?: What does that mean?
97. Do you think marriage would change who you are?: Yes, you have to take some of the other person into yourself, and give them some of you
98. Do you meddle in other peoples’ business?: Yes, and that is not a good thing
99. Do you think the teenagers who take abstinence vows are probably the ones that weren’t going to have sex in the first place?: ? SO if you tak ethe vow then you were never planning on having sex? Isn't that the point of the vow...the vow is just something on paper.
100. Are you ever attracted to your teachers?: No.

101. Do you think your parents have always been faithful to each other?: Yes.
102. Does the word "hello" seem formal to you?: No.
103. Do you think that schools should be allowed to ban un-natural colored hair?: Yes.
104. Is it possible to love someone and hate them at the same time?: Yes.
105. Do your eyes change colors from time to time?: They get lighter and darker.
106. When you sit really still, can you feel your pulse?: Sometimes yes.
107. Does cursive handwriting serve any real purpose nowadays?: Yes, I use it all the time.
108. Have you ever had melted cheese on your fries?: Yes.
109. Have you ever encountered a rude person in a wheelchair?: Ummm I guess at sometimes I may have, there are rude people all over
110. Are you often the last one to understand a joke?: no but it does happen.

111. Has your home been decorated by an interior designer?: No.
112. Do you believe in reincarnation?: SOmetimes, sort of, I don't know.
113. Do you think the government was involved in 9/11?: No.
114. Would you ever kiss someone with no teeth?: EW NO give me teeth!
115. Do you wash your hair every day?: No, it dries it out.
116. If we keep making exceptions for homosexuals, do you think the next generation of homosexuals will be spoiled brats?: No they are n't gettin gthat many exceptions.
117. Can experience be gained just by reading?: No,that why its called experience.
118. Do you have any gay friends?: Yes.
119. Have you ever been to Stonehenge?: No.
120. Do you consider darts to be a sport?: Yeah them things are hard.

121. Your first black eye: Did you give it or get it?: Never had or given.
122. Is it always better to be safe than sorry?: No, sometimes you just gotta do it.
123. Do you look more at someone’s mouth or eyes when they are talking to you?: I look right between their eyes.
124. If you were around second-hand-smoke enough, would you be swayed to smoke yourself?: No
125. Do you think anyone can be an actor?: no.
126. Okay, what song are you listening to now?: Jeff Corwin!!
127. Do you talk just to hear yourself, even when you’re alone?: Yeah, I'll admit it I talk to myself.
128. Do you think you’ll ever visit the Clinton Library?: Well I don't know what that is soooo no
129. Do you emotionally hurt people on purpose?: No, thats mean.
130. Would you date a minister?: Yeah, he's a person too

131. On vacation, do you usually take more pictures of landscapes or buildings?: People.
132. Do you think pit bulls should be illegal to own?: No.
133. Are your parents willing to help you through college?: Yeah, but I 'm paying for everything unless I get too deep in debt.
134. Is it obvious that one of your family members did drugs in the sixties?: OH yeeeah
135. Do you think people worry to much about being open-minded?: A bit, just do it, stop thinking about it.
136. Are you offended when you see a visitor in your country wearing a crest of their flag?: No.
137. Would you rather master one language, or learn two languages and be average in them both?: Two-- average.
138. Do you think that Jesus was just a magician?: No...
139. Should ‘freak dancing’ be banned from school dances?: No but I mean, there is no need to be making babies on the dance floor of your middle school
140. If Fox created a sitcom starring Jennifer Lopez, would you watch it?: If it was good, maybe.

141. Is your monthly cycle so regular that you always know which day you’re going to start?: No, but thats because I've never bothered to keep that much track
142. Girls: Do you care that when you cry, your mascara runs?: Yeah I feel stupid and feminine and messy.
143. Guys: Do you get all soft when you see a girl crying?:
144. Do you think baseball is a dying professional sport in America?: Yes.
145. Should America get rid of the electoral college?: Yeah, it should be popular vote, there are enough opportunities now for politicials to get their message out there.
146. Can Lindsay Lohan really sing?: Yes I think she can.
147. Are you more creative alone, or with others?: With others.
148. Does every family have a crazy uncle, or is it just mine?: Oh everybody has a crazy uncle
149. Do you like green bean casserole?: Yummm yummm yummmm.
150. Have you ever smuggled anything in to America?: Anything illegal? Yes I thin my family snuck in some fruit or Cuban cigars in once

151. Do you like to play dominos?: Not really.
152. Do you end up making a fool of yourself when you try flirting with someone you really like?: Yeah, its sucks.
153. Does playing the guitar make a guy more attractive?: A bit but not enough for that to be the only reaon I'd date him
154. Do brain teasers make you feel dumb?: No .
155. Did you ever have an Easy Bake Oven?: No but I wanted one.
156. Do you enjoy fishing?: No, its boring
157. Do you think the Egyptians could have used wind to build the Pyramids?: No...they did not blow until the sand stacked up.
158. Beef or pork?: Beef I guess.
159. Was this survey random enough for you?: Yeah it was pretty random, but in that "I'm trying too hard" way
160. Is this the longest random survey you’ve ever taken?: I don't know I've taken some long ones

SHITake mushrooms that was ridiculous
~*Ery*`

23rd + 5th = Problem solved

The Rules
1. Go into your archive.
2. Find your 23rd post.
3. Find the fifth sentence (or closest to).
4. Post the text of the sentence in your blog along with these instructions.

"[x] relationship status: single (and not loving it)"

I was doing a survey from my friend Rachel's LJ. I guess I wan't enjoying the singel life so much, huh. Well I've taken care of that little bit of grumpy-ness

~*Ery*~


P.S. I didn't like that one much so I went back from this past one and got this one:

"I wish I could remember it the next time it fits into normal conversation."

I was talking about the word pari passu...I've yet to actually be able to use it.

A Wedding and Longings

Yea! I went home this weekend. Actually it wasn't as eventful as I thought. I mean I got home and went right over to Mark's appartment with Jen and Meghan. Which was good, but we are definitly on different pages of our lives and in different places. I mean they were doing the whole secret drink thing and my parents have heard about what I've done and they know that I'm careful. They are still trying to break free of their parents hold on their lives while my parents are like, you're incollege, do your thing. And I'm so happy thats how its happened. I am so happy with how my life is going right now. I feel as if I am trully on my way to finding my true self. Despite there always being little bumps in the road I'm traveling just fine right now...Alright now that I've jinxed myself.

On Saturday morning Nancy, Mrs. Jackie's Mom, and I went to see Jay's lacrosse game. Alright so we didn't really go to see him. It was more that we wanted to see Mrs. Jackie's Mom and Jay's parents...he just happened to be the reason we got together. Well after the game his parents invited us to lunch (like normal, they clearly don't know anything about what happened). It wasn't until we go tthrough with lunch and were back in the car that I realized that Jay never once asked how Nancy and I were, or haow my drive was, or even said that it was good to see us. Sure we all hugged when we left, must keep up appearances you know, but he never once offered up anyconversation towards us. Even afte I specifically asked him how he was doing, he didn't follow with the traditional response of: and yourself? and that bothered me, a lot. Not becasue its not lik eit used to be, but because those are common courtesies that you extend to someone you have just met, not even necesarrily someone youare great friends with. I just wish that at least him and myself could have ahad a bit of a conversation, especially sinc EI told him I was willing to start over. But I guess he really doesn't care. He's come to believe that he's lost us, or wanted to lose us or something, and so I'm done thinking about it. He can pick up pieces, I'm done trying.

Saturday night I went to my cousin Kathy's wedding. It was beautiful. She looked so happy and pretty and perfect. Her new husband is such a great guy too. He had been a part of our family for almost as long as they've been dating and we all love him to death. The wedding itself was rather short and I didn't like it much. It was a Baptist ceremony which basically does all the stuff you need to do and then thats it. Very short, brief, and to the point. Which is nice I guess, but something was lost for me in the directness. After the ceremony we went back home and then to my grandparents' house. At my their house we said hello to my grandma, an dit was so sad. She has Alzheimer's and its really starting to get bad. She basically has the mind of a small child, for example, she was so amazed and made happy my and umbrella opening, she thought it was the most amazing thing she had ever seen. It was funny and pathetic at the same time. Back to a happier thing though, we went to the reception and had dinner. Oh man I love my family so much. They have such a unique sense of humor. Dancing was fun. I danced with my dad and my uncle Pete and my cousin Claire and I waltzed. It was quite amusing.

Afterwards I went home and called Paul. I needed to hear his voice so much. It was so hard sitting out all those slow love songs and seeing all the people so in love and knowing that the one person I'd love to spend that evening with was ten hours away. Just hearing his voice made it better and worse all at the same time. He said that his roommate was gone, and I was practically kicking myself, because I could have gone up there this weekend and been with him. But the distance is good for us. It allows us to have more than a physical relationship. Because once he gets here all I can do is touch him, all the time that I can, and he's the same way. I miss him so so so so so much though. Its hard being so far away right now. I felt he distance so much when I was home. I just wanted to get back to school where I was closer to him. I was so happy when we rounded the coner that allows you to see the city from the road, it was ll lit up and gorgeous, and my first thought, was ahhhh I'm back, I can see him. I don't even know what it is specifically that gets me about him...I shall list and see if that helps. He's funny, smart, happy, attentive, caring, not whiny, loving, kind, tall, handsome...blah I feel lik eI'm describing a saint. He has low points I guess too, he ummm ummm ok i'm thinking really hard and I've got nothing right now. Maybe thats jus thow its supposed to be, I'll stop looking for faults and enjoy the good.

Well Sunday wasn't that fun so I won't bother telling that story. I got home. And now I'm happy and enjoying being back in "kidnapping range"

~*Ery*~

P.S. I'm dating a lumberjack named Paul Bunyan and he carts me aroundon his big blue ox named Babe. Heehee A joke created by my mother and cousin Jay (I know, confusing) How it all went down was that I told my mother as we walked into the wedding reception that Paul's father owned a sawmill.
Mom: Oh he's a lumberjack?
Jay: Who's a lumber jack?
Mom: Ery's boyfriend...oooo and guess what his name is.
Jay: What's his name...It'd be great if it was
Mom and Jay (simoltaneously): Paul
Jay: Like Paul Bunyan?!
Me: Yes, like Paul Bunyan.

And so it went throughout the night. I would go up to see someone and my mom would tell them to ask what my boyfriend did and what his name was. Eveyone of my aunts and uncles immediately said "Like Paul Bunyan!?" I was amused and resigned all at the same time. So I got home and I said to Paul: " My whole family thinks you are a lumberjack." ANd he said...and I qoute directly here: "Well I am, honey." At about that point I started to laugh and gave up the resistance altogether. He found the rest of the story quite amusing I must say. I am dating Paul Bunyan and thats all there is.

Mending Fences and Enjoying Life

Ok so I realized that deep deep down I can't hate Jay. I don't know that it is possible for me to trully hate anyone. I have too much love. So I'm using the "Forgive and Remember" Method to get through this one. Yes, I actually picked up something useful after all those religion classes. So I forgave Jay...but its going to be hard. Because I know that we will never have the same relationship as before, and I want that, but that time is past. I can't trust him like I did before, and thats the saddest thing ever. So I'm starting to mend that fence, try to just get to a friendly level again.

On the note about enjoying life...I love college! Dspite having the most shit filled week ever, there was a marvelous weekend at the end of it. Paul came down and I'm happy as a clam. Heehee. I have "name face" as my friends call it...I light up when I hear his name. :D And I was so so so so so so so happy to see him Friday night. I jumped off the radiator and into his arms...and he literally picked me up and swung me around. I ended up with my legs around his waist and kissing his cheek and lips.
Paul: Did you miss me? Me: Yes I did.
There was much hugging and such that progressed...Cortney told us to get a room so I dragged him into my entryway when Timnah walked out of our room...much amusement over the fact that I couldn't wait long enough to get further into the room before attacking him...I'll not apologize...I miss the man when its a week between sightings (and he didn't mind, so there). So after that he stayed for a half hour during which we were with other people so we had to restrict oursleves to hand holding and quick pecks.. (mmm I like quick pecks). So he left because he had plans with his friend Brandon...reminder to comment on their own unique humor with each other...and I stayed here at the dorm.

Well after that I went to "wreak havoc before quiet hours start" and ended up in the lobby with Cortney and Emily and playing euchre with in the lobby. Euchre turned into a loud game of Pencil Pig (which is just Spoons played with unsharpened pencils and spelling pig till you get out). I got out of Pencil Pig within three rounds after stating proudly that I had no letters...oh how the proud fall (heehee). So I went back upstairs to get some juice with full intentions of coming back to continue watching the game...but I go tdistracted and talked to Marc and his suitemate for a couple hours. Then Cortney and Emily and Pat came up. Pat had a sip of Captain Morgan's left in a cup he had and he gave it to me. After which I remeinded him that he owed me a stiff drink (he told me this on Tues when I was up till 3:30 helping him with his english paper which caused me to miss my 9:00am class the next day...also becaus emy week as previously mentioned was being shitty) so anyway. He went back downstairs and brought me and Cortney and himslef each a shot of Capttains and Coke. So drank mine (muchos better than beer) and then Cortney's because she didn't want it and then the last half of Pat's...the total equivilant of 3 shots...I was getting loopy. THe concentration was shot an dI was starting to really really enjoy swaying. So I decided tha tI might as well go to bed. So I did. Not without first swining on my loft from the bed frame and first ladder rung ( oy it was fun...and probably funny as ...well I can imagine it was funny).

Saturday was spent in attempt to do homework. I actually read most of what I wanted to read for The Iliad. Then I went to this stupid FYE dance thing...well ok, it would probably have beenok except that it was mandatory and I had to be there till 10:30 to get credit and I wanted to hang out with Paul so. So Paul picked me up at 10:30 and we went to go to this party. Oh boy. I saw sooooo much of the landscape that night. The place we were going to should have taken us about 45 minutes to find...we drove for 3 1/2 and never found it. We found many back roads that led to nowhere, but thats it. Finally, we just pulled over to wait for Brandon to come find us...I like pulling off to the side of the road...it inspires rather ardous feelings in folks...heehee. But outside of that I would like to say that the stars were absolutely amazing. I could actually see that dusty milky way line that you see in the planetariums...I was so excited. Paul was amused because I when he turned off the car and its lights I said, Its dark. He responded with, Thats what happens when you turn off the lights. Oy. It was really really dark, like, can't see your hand in front of your face dark. It doesn't get that dark where I'm from. Well at about 3:00am we're both like ok we're tired screw this lets just go home and go to bed (did I forget to mention that I was staying at his house, where he grew up, for the night?). No lie, as soon as we start up the car Brandon calls to say that everyone was at the highschool and hte party was over, Paul's like sorry we're going home to bed g'night. I have to say I was glad, I really was tired, plus I like having him all to myself ;).

So we went back to his house where I met his fraternal twin brother...who looks nothing like Paul but their personalities are almost identical...you can so tell they are twins and grew up together. We stayed up with him (his name is Todd for the record) for a while and then finally went to bed...twin beds are so cozy. I love lseeping with him...ok I won't lie we did a bit more than sleep...but I was good I swear, Paul is a gentleman, at all times. It makes me so happy, he doesn't try anythig until I'm ready...and somehow he's known when I'm ready...its nice. SO we then went to sleep. Woke up (he said he wished he could wake up next to me everyday...that makes me so happy, I feel the same way). Got out of bed. Met Paul's mom...oh God its awkward to meet someone's mother after staying the night in her son's bed without her knowledge that either of you are there. She's really nice though. I liked her a lot. Ummm the rest of the day was just idyllic. We watched football on the couch with Todd and his girlfriend Jamie and then played foot/basket ball outside. It was fun and simple and I loved it. After dinner Paul drove me back to my dorms. He stayed here for about an hour and a half...heehee we are very easily distracted by empty rooms that happen to be mine. Anywho, he finally did have to go back to Tech after much pushing and kissing and goodbye-ing...Cortney and Pat were laughing at us. I was laughing at us, it was silly and sweet.

So yeah, I had a good weekend, this is a long post and Paul is online... :)

~*Ery*~

Betrayed

Ever think you know someone, and then when you trip across them in the grass and the snake that they really are bites you? Well welcome to my day. Jay, my former best guy friend, the guy against whom I have compared every guy friend I've had to, turned out to be nothing more than a low down conniving player, who just befriended me, Nancy, and Jackie in the hopes of getting something more out of us. It didn't even matter who, he was willing to take whatever he could get and would have taken it without a second thought. But to back up and put the whole sordid details out on the table....

Nancy called me last nigth late, I had my phone turned off though and didn't get it until this morning. SHe sounded really upset, so I calle dher back and left a message. She calls me back after I get out of class and says she has a story to tell and I can't get angry. I'm thinking she got drunk and went to far with a guy...something simple like that. She tells me she hooked upo with Jay during the last few weeks of summer. (My initial reaction: yea thats great! My second reaction: wait, Jay tried to get with my during the last week of summer...this is not going to be good. ) She made sure he was over JAckie, stating many times that she didn't want him to be settling or using her to get over Jackie. TIme and aagian he reassured her that his intentions were good and that he really wanted her. He even said he would make time to go see her at State. Well while all this is going on the sleazebag is off giving Jackie flowers and trying to convince me to go into a :friends w/benefits" sort of deal. Lucky for everyone's sake I got uncomfortable at the last second and called to cancel...fine, he says, turns out Nanacy needed a ride so I don't know if I could have done it anyway. All three of us go out for dinner, he hugs me goodbye (the last time i'll see him till Thanksgiving) and "parked" otherwise knoown as making out, with Nancy. Hmmmm if the picture has not yet been made clear, none of us girls knows anything about what the others have been doing. Probably becaus ewe all knew, deep down that something was wrong, and also because Jay, our "trustworthy friend" told us that we should just keep everything between the two of us. SO. Nancy calls and tells me what she knows, I tell her about hte friends w/benefits deal and we conclude that our Jay is no longer, nor was ever, most likely, our friend. AND I FEEL BETRAYED, USED, HURT, SICK, AND STUPID!

I can't explain how much this hurts. I took Jay to my fucking prom. Half of my desk pictures contain him. My swim season is littered with images and thoughts of him. He shitted all over my senior year. How many signs did I miss? They say dogs and young children have the best perceptions of people....well we missed that one. Mo, Nancy's 3 yr old sister, cries whenever she sees Jay...no, not just cries, runs and hides and wails when she sees him. The first time my dog ever saw Jay, he barked...he never barks, he barked at Jay for the first three visits, then he just sort of gave up. We always thought it was odd that we never really met any of Jay's friends...but then we just figured they didn't want to see us, an odd thing considering that they went to an all guys school and Jay had three singel female friends. Turns out they really didn't like him that much. I know this because I talked to Brendan while we were seeing each other, and he told me. But I just dismissed it, regular guy stuff, bashing on each other. No.
Apparently, its easier to get all the girls, if you never share them.

I don't know what to say right now. There is nothing to say. He doesn't even know that we all know. I want to hurt him so much right now. I want to hurt him like he hurt me. I want him to feel this gaping gash he left in my heart when I had to tear him out, since he apparently never heldany of us trully in his. I made him one of my best friends. I bragged about him, I told stories about him, I held him up, on a pedestal, that was unreachable to any other guys who simply wanted to be friends, they would never reach his perfect status. And the pedestal broke. And it fell on me, and Nancy, and Jackie. And now when we need each other so much...we are so far away. And it hurts to cry, because I know he's not worth it. But I cry I guess for what was lost. Something I held on to so tight, and loved so much just died. And I feel like I have been kicked in the stomach.

Thats all for today. I'm gonna go cry in my bed. Please, send me some love, but don't tear it away.

~*Ery*~

P.S. Paul saved the male race in my mind today, simply by giving me something to hold onto, even though he was too far away for me to cry on his shoulder.

Anniversary!!!

Hey! I love this thing! I would like to draw attention to my first post ever...Opening...from exactly one year ago. I would like to draw attention to the fact that I am so much happier than I was when I started this. At least today I am, who knows what tomorrow will bring, if keeping this has taught me anything its that I am dynamic in my moods, I don'tknow what I want, and I like it that way. I've grown so much in this past year. New experiences, people, home, the list goes on. Its insane. I mean when I started this it was literally because I din't want to burden people with my thoughts anymore. But now its become so much more. Its a good firend, one that always listens (even when all I have to say is that I had chips for breakfast...I don't think I've ever actually written that, but whatever). ANd yes I know I started this writing this to no one in particular, and that is still true, but to you who read and comment on my blog I thank thee, your comments are such a pick-me-up on the bad days and a joy on the good ones. I've been planning this "anniversary" entry for a little while because I was so excited by the fac that I kept up with it for so long. I mean a whole year? Thats some hardcore commitment there, for me the lady who commits to nothing. But as i have become very fond of saying: go with the flow. I've stopped trying to control every little thing that happens in my life. So with that said:

~*Ery*~

P.S. I'll have more details on Paul ( :) ) later I promise!!

Beach Party!

Well last night was great! To start things off, Paul is here!! Yup he came down from Tech to see me! Ok now to end a sentence with out an exclamation point. Heehee. Anyway, we went out with his friends Brandon and Holly, and some other people from their dorm. We went to this little beach where there was a keg party going on and...alright right now Paul is on his way over and I'm severly distracted. I can't write right now because I know that he is coming. Yea! I let this slip, though, he asked me out last night, and I said yes. So I officially am going out with Paul. There has been a very happy smile pasted on my face for a while. Just so you know. Maybe I'll finish this later when I'm not on pins and needles!

~*Ery*~

P.S. Red = Passion and Nothing in the world has ever been accomplished without passion!

Cliff Jump!

So I promised this picture in my First Day post but until now I have not had the picture. But I made Tall Pat send it to me and here it is. Fun fun fun. Its too small for you to tell but I'm mid scream here because I was scared the first time. It was so exhilarating!! SO yeah that is me in the air...legs flying arms crossed, because you gotta keep that suit on! ANd hmmmmmm THat was a great day.

On an updating sortof note...the toilet is fixed!!! Or at least we think so...the plumbers said to use it and one of them will check back tomorrow so we shall see. Unfortunately if its not fixed he said it would have to come off the wall and that would be bad. Prayers for ma toilette!

~*Ery*~

J'aime l'Universitie!

:) :) :) I love college! Thats what my title says...but in french. I love college. Its so fun and freeing and I feel like I'm realizing thins about myself and others and I'm having trouble writing them down for some reason right now. So I'll just post this and make another post later.

~*Ery*~

P.S. Smile someone loves you

P.P.S. Have you ever had a first kiss between thumbs? You should try it. Its fun. Who is this "you" that I'm writing to? I don't know. I'm going nuts, not really. Bye!

Why I like Tech

I like Tech because Paul goes there. Who is Paul? Paul is a guy from Tech. (heehee this is fun) And I like him much-es. So in the spirit of actually telling this story here we go.

Well it all began when I lost my ID card...technically it all began when God said begin but whatever. I was rushing back into my hall's lobby to see if it somehow got lost while I was doing back flips off the couch (ok you know how you can sit on the bck of a couch and flip backwards twoards the cushions and then land on your feet on the ground...? Well thats what I was doing.). So I rushed in didn't find it and was in the process of rushing back to the Den so I could eat before my food got cold...weh I saw my neighbor Marc walking towards me with this guy. This guy was/is Paul. I already knew this though because Marc told me that his friend Paul was coming down to visit from Tech. So I stopped rushing for a moment and said my hellos, then explained what I has doing and left.

Later on when us girls got back from dinner we stopped next door and said hello to the males sitting in the room. And subsequently went to the PEIF and then had a dance party in the hallway of our dorm...which amused everyone who was walking by, including the RA. So at about midnight the RA came back and annonced that since it was quiet hours we had to go back to a room so that others could do whatever they needed to do during quiet hours. So we went and started watching the Scorpion King. Well everyone but Paul and I decided that they wanted to go to Walmart. So they left us. Ok this is boring and I'm just gonna make this a bunch faster because all of these mundane details are not necessary. Everyone came back, we all took a walk through campus. Marc and Timnah went to bed. Cortney, Pat (a different Pat than the one who I was wailing over the other day, who lives downstairs from us), Paul and Me walked to the beach and watched the sunrise...it was cold and I got to snuggle with Paul.

Homecoming -- We got to the game. We win. We go to the dance. Paul sort of kind of picked me up. As in him and Brandon and Holly came and stopped by our dorm which was on the way and we all walked over together. Paul and I danced for a bout an hour. Then TImanh and COrtney found a party to go to, I stayed with Paul to go back to Brandon's room and hangout with his friends. Well since Holly and I don't like the taste of beer we just watched as the guys talked and laughed and drank. It was so sweet, though, Paul and I sat on this little love seat pod chair thing and just cuddled while everything was going on. I love cuddling. THen we had our first kiss. Hmmm I love the first kiss. It was just a little peck but it was so sweet and right there in front of everyone...yeah I'm beginning to think I'm a bit of an exhibitionist. Anywho. Around 6:30 am we were both faling asleep in the chair so we begged Holly to clear off her bed (since Holly was staying in Brandon's bed and we were in hers) so we could go to sleep. Hmmmm I do enjoy sleeping with boys...that sounds really bad, I literally just mean sleeping. I always feel so warm and safe. Its lovely. So we went to sleep and yeah. We woke up around noonish and erm mad out for an hour or so. Heehee...makes me giggly. He does this thing with his tongue (details are so not necessary but I'm including them anyway...well just this one) where he just licks my lips really soft...*shivers* thats all I can say.

Alright so around 1:30 I was feeling guilty about not being home and ummmm not calling TImnah to let her know where I was (bad roommate that I am). So I made Paul get up and walk me home. There wasn't much forcing I just said you wanna take a walk back to my dorm and he said ok. So he walked me back and we had breakfast (ok technically it was about mid afternoon snack time but if you go by the basic definiton of the word breakfast it was that time) with Cortney... which soon turned into breakfast with TImnah and Courtney and Emily and Pat. I got a lot of flack for staying the night with Paul, but all in good fun. They all know that we're both virgins (because it came up and yes! I'm soooo happy about that fact about him) and that I wouldn't do anything before marraige, especially with a guy I just met. So anyway yeah he came back up to my room and we cuddled some more but he said he had to go back down campus to see the people he came down to see (which is totally cool). And ummm yeah I was a bit sad becasue I just figured he was gonna leave to go home and I wouldn't see him again this trip. But they had dinner at our caf! And I saw him when we had dinner! And he came over and hugged me and held my hands! And I was so happy! We kissed some more out in the quad and then he stayed for our campus movie. He walked me back to my room (even though we were with a group of people and he didn't have to) but we stood in my doorway and we determined that we would call each other. Yea!

Ok I'm in such a good mood! I just am! And ummm yeah I'm totally feeling the whole I change my mind a lot thing. Because I was wailing (literally) about Tall Pat (from this poin ton to be referred to using this epithet to differentiate between Tall Pat that I used to like and the Pat from downstairs...thus no epithet for him) and nowI'm raving and smiling and pleased as a cucumber about Paul. Yea! And ummmm yeah thats about it. WE gave each other a cold...what a thing to remember someone by, huh. But I talked to him online and he said that if I gave it to him it was worth it. Which is a cheesy line but I fell for it, loved it and told him so. He sent backa smiley face. Hee Ho Hummm Good DAys!!

~*Ery*~

Love all around!!

Waaaaaaaaaaaaaaiiiiiiiiiiiiiillll!

I'm wailing inside. But I can't let it show. I hate that. This false face I have to put forward. So that I'm not too exposed. BUt here I can let it all out. Even though its hard to do that here still. Because I feel like this is just some depository for bad feelings. Even though its not. And even though thats the whole reason I started this thing anyway. Ok so I'm wailing because I now know that Pat doesn't like me. He likes someone else. I don't know who but that is not the point. The point is that its not me. And I'm sad.

We went dancing yesterday (not we as in me and him he just happened to be there andI came with some differnt people). And I can't lie. I was dancing with this guy totally to make him wish he had me. Which is awful. And petty. And I don't even like admitting it to myself but I looke dlutty and whorish for nothing becasue I find out today that he doesn't like me like that. And I could have kissed the guy I dancded with but I didn't want Pat to think I really liked that guy incase there was some small chance that he liked me. Because to come that close and then mess everything up by letting my hormones get in the way would make me really mad. But now I wish I had let the hormones get their way. Becasue nowI'm not only sad but unsatsified too.
Not to say that we would have done anything more than make out but thats all I want. I'm looking for love in the wrong places. I know that. I keep trying to tell myself that but I don't seem to want to listen. It sucks. I guess I'll just have to deal with what happens. I just go withthe damn flow. I'm back to flowing.

I'm gonna go put on my whore's make-up. Not that its really whore make-up...I just feel like I'm always trying to "catch" a guy, and do I really want that guy who only thinks I'm pretty if I'm made-up. I don't know. Good bye for now

~*Ery*~

Dorm Time Fun

Heehee. Our wall mates are so fun! Marc and Keith rock (out)! We caught them yesterday "starting a war" with the girls across from them...which is odd since they were taping a plastic cup to their doorknob...scary. And on it they were going to write: We love your nobs! I was amused. And told them so. They were giggling like 11 yr old girls writing notes in class. It was great. Then today Timnah and I are sitting in our room and out of no where we hear "Baby Got Back" come wailing out of their room, and when we poke our heads in the door there is Keith singing his heart out. I mean he had arms flying and was rocking back in his chair...it was amazing. SO we went back into our room and turned up Chicago and had a mini war. It was fun. I love dorms! They are so much fun, everyone is all nice and bent on screwing with each other. Practical jokes are things you just watch out for, because you might be the one who ends up with a room ful of snow if you aren't careful. Thats right, last year Marc and Keith filled up their suitemates room with about a foot of snow in their entryway. Crazyness.

"I love it when you call my name" ~ Charlotte Church

"You don't fuck with Thor."
" Why can't they just call it fucking small medium and large!" (in reference to Starbucks...and not related at all to Greek myths)
~ My Mythology prof, Austin

Just some fun-ness that I had to share. I just love somethings sometimes....that didn't make that much sense.

~*Ery*~

The next day

Well hello Ery how was your night? Well it consisted of my getting totally smashed and puking three times. Overall a memory I won't forget, yes I do still have some memory...most of it actually, its just all really fuzzy. But to tell the whole story...I believe the whole story should be told for those who like me before yesterday have never gotten drunk, so that they know what to expect.

Alright well it all started when Timnah called me up from down campus becasue she found a buyer. So Eric and I (Eric is this guyI met who lives in our hall, he is currently sleeping on our chair becasue he didn't go home yesterday) came walking back up. Gave TImnah the money and off her and Cortney went with this random Andy she found. SO they come back with a 24 pack of Budweiser (kay for the record I don't know a damn thing about beer. I jjust know that I drank two Miller high lifes on FRiday night and they were nasty...all I know is that Budweiser apparently has a higher alcohol content...whatever I was too far gone by the time thjey told me that). We snuck the stuff into the room (there is nothing strange about doing a lot of homework at 12 in the morning) and put it in the fridge. Well in the fridge and then one to everyone there. And then we started to drink. I don't like the taste of beer though...so I drank fast, not chug fast but faster than one normally drinks a beer. And thus I guzzled down five in a little over an hour. And let me tell whoever wants to listen after five I was done. I cut myself off, why? becasueI couldn't remember how to swallow, the function was gone...that is why. But to give some more details:

1st: not feeling too much, little happier, Andy left after his first one...I supppose he just stayed to be nice.

2nd: There we go now I know I'm drinking something. I also have amazed everyone by drinking it the fastest. Thought: how long can I beat everyone? Thought: I don' t know lets try.

3rd: I can't specifically remember the third butI think this is when I changed out of my jeans. I just sort of stripped down and put on some shorts...yeah I was still in the lead and I was still doing ok, I should have stopped here but I didn't.

4th: Whoa things are moooooving. I was so not there at this point. I'm a happy drunk we discovered and everything was funny. Like fall on the ground and roll around funny. Nothing was that funny I can tell you that right now, but it seemed like it to me. Again I sooooo should have stopped here...but I was still winning but not by much so I had another one (note to self: do not not not try to out drink people who have done it before and are male...I won't win)

5th: About this time I forgot how to swallow. Which sounds absolutly retarded but I couldn't get the motions right. Like open mouth but keep throat closed...close mouth...open throat intiate swallow motions...burp becasue thats what beer makes ya do. I don't know I finished the beer but by this point Eric had passed me and Dustin had cut me off. Deep down somewhere I still wanted to keep going but I knew I couldn't. Alright and here is where things got interesting. I was weaving and giggling and I decided to call Josh and Jay. So I did. And Josh laughed at me. And I left a message for Jay. He called me back and I called him back and finally we had a connection. He told me he was gonna get me drunk when I came home for Thanksgiving...I won't lie, I'm excited. I love Jay so much, he just makes me so happy. But anyway. So we hung up andI crawled into the bathroom.

Thats right I had to crawl because I couldn't get up and walk the two steps to get there. ANd then I got sick. I'm just gonna leave the details out but lets just say I went in three times. And on the third time I royally messed up the toilet. This is because I some how managed to take the thing that you put hte toilet paper roll on off ( I was gonna restock the toilet paper) however it slipped out of my hand and straight into the currently flushing toilet...ummm yeah right straight down. The odds of that happening have to be so slim its ridiculous. I literally sat down and thought oh shit...then I started to laugh because I have to admit its pretty funny if you think about it. So I told Dustin who said it would be fine and then I passed out until 11:30 the next day.

When I woke up I was so queasy. It sucked. I had to eat and wanted to just sit and do nothing. I felt so crappy. I felt this way for ummmyeah about 5 hrs. It was no fun. I'm really not looking forward to getting that trashed anytime soon. So I think I might not drink until Thanksgiving when I go out with Jay. Who knows, I just know that it is not fun to loose that much control. I mean yeah I was happy. But I was also all over the place. I was also with people I've only known at the most like three weeks. So maybe it'll be better at an actual party or with people I know. *Shrug*

So the toilet. Yeah its messed up. Ummm its clogged and I'm pretty sure its because of that thing I flushed. TImnah went downstairs to get a plunger...and the guysown there was liek why? So she explained what her "over-beveraged" roomy did and he laughed. He then told her to fill out a work order form. Poor Chuck the maitenance guy, that has to be a majorly sucky job. Oh well.

Thats all.

~*Ery*~

Frolic frolic frolic!

Weeee! Fun times. I'm a swinger! Heehee a swing dancer that is. Yup I joinged the swing club yesterday with the girl across the hall, Emily, and now we are officially members. I'm sooooo excited. I called my mom yesterday as soon as I got home (well to the room, whatever) to tell her that I needed her to send my character shoes up, since I'll now be needing them every thursday! Now I just need to find a partner. Well I have a partner for next week kbut I don't know if I wan thim to always be my partner. See, its Dustin. And I would really prefer to find some really cute guy or someone that I like a bit more than him to be my dancing partner. So that is my mission, that is what is going to help me become more assertive (since that is something else I realized I needed to do). I'm going to meet people and we are going to have fun and its going to be a blast.

Just talked to Timnah about Brendan...I still kind of have a crush on him I think. Just a little one. I don't know, like, I had a dream the other night about calling him and we became good friends. I guess thats really what I want, I miss just being able to have another guy friend. Oh well, maybe I'll call him at the end of the month to find out how his classes are going. Maybe. We'll see.

So this weekend I believe I will finally take part in an age old college ritual, I'm going to get raging drunk. Mostly just becaue I haven't done it before. Hopefully this will kill the curiosity. Or just allow me to stop thinking about what it would feel like, because I have never done anything like that beforefore and I would just like to experience this at least once when its still illegal. I mean, yeah its going to be illegal for a couple more years but almostall of my friends have done it (including Nancy) and I want to join in. Yes, I know I'm majorly giving into peer pressure, and putting myself in danger of getting in trouble with the police, but I don't care. Ok I lie. I do care and it does worry me, but then at the same time I think, why should I wait? WAit to have some experience so I know what will happen later. I don't know I think I shall just go out and drink and then think about it later. Whatever.

_____________________________________
Word of the Day: quaff \KWOFF; KWAFF\, Transitive verb: To drink with relish; to drink copiously of; to swallow in large draughts. Intransitive verb: To drink largely or luxuriously. Noun: A drink quaffed

Hmmmm mildly ironic, no?

~*Ery*~

Hmmmm

I don' t know if I'm happy right now. I can't decide. Although there is a shirts and skins football game going on outside my window right now. Heehee.

Yeah so last night we finally got out of the dorms and went to a party. It was fun. Timnah, me and Pat went and we had such a good time. What was even better is that I didn't drink and neither did Timanh (Pat did but I considered it so whatever). But we had such a good time. Mostly because we got into a "drunk" mood. We just acted drunk and it was great. We managed to fool about 4 people for sure into thinking we drank, we are such good pretend drunkards.

But to that not sure if I'm happy thing. I'm jsut not sure. I mean I'm making friends and stuff but I'm not sure if I'm where I want to be. Errrrrgh. Having trouble expressing myself. Ok. I like the friends I have but I want to make more. There thats it. I've only been here a little over aweek though so I just have to be patient. It feels like its been awhile though. I miss my friends back home, people like Jen who I would see almost everyday and then Jackie and Nancy seem so far away. Mostly becaus eI'm so far away. Why did I go so far? SO I could start over as the person I want to be...and whatI've found is that I don't know who I want to be. I'm coming out of yshell more, which is something I've been trying to do for a long time, but I still have this prblem with being nice to people I don't really like. I don't know, its just that sometimes I just wish I could say, stop I don't like you, go away. But then there are people who are ok but I don't like them a whole ton and just want them to stop always acting like they are my best friend. Case in point, Dustin. I think he's a nice guy and everything but I really don't like him that much. He jsut grinds on my nerves. Blah. I just have to deal with it since he is Pat's suitemate. And I really like seeing Pat.

On that note, I gave Pat a kiss on the cheek yesterday, granted he was a wee bit buzzed and who knows what it meant to him, but I did give him one and it made me happy. *Big grin* hmmm yeah. Thats all I have to say.

Wait now its not. Sam, I loved that U-shaped pillow thing. I was greatly amused and literally burst out laughing, so much so that my roomy Timnah asked what was up and I had to explain. We both agree that though odd its actually a pretty good idea...thinking of investing...probably not though.

I've slacked so much on my Words of the Day...its just difficult because I have to copy paste but here is the one for today.

_______________________________________
Word of the Day: deride \dih-RYD\, transitive verb: To laugh at with contempt; to subject to ridicule or make sport of; to mock; to scoff at.

I never knew that this was actually what this word meant. I'm not sure what I thought it meant but this wasn't it, I think it had something to do with a car...like you could deride a car by jumoing in front of it or something....I don't know.

~*Ery*~

Bored on a Friday Night

Yawn. This is not right. Its Friday, September 2, 2005 and I have nothing to do and nowhere to go. I'm so bored. Its freaking labor day weekend and I'm contemplating doing my English homework for Wed. because I have nothing better to do. Not that that would be the worst but its still a friday night and my friends back in high school had stuff going on and I don't....thats soooo wrong. I'm the college student!!!! Ok enough whining.

Yeah so umm I don't know what to put here. I can't seem to remember what I wrote the last time. I feel like I've totally abandoned my poor little blog and I miss it. I miss writing stuff down al the time. But I also like the feeling of having to catch up on something. Ok so I already told about Pat, but I feel like I don't know. I want something. I want a man. I want to go and have a couple drinks tomorrow. I want to feel some affection, some warmth, anything. My firend Dustin maybe an option. But that is totally settling and not cool and hurtful. But he is really nice and a trully cool guy, I might like him too...I think I'm in male shock. I feel like I'm just salivating over any guy who gets close to me and smells good. Heehee Oh well

I'm gonna go read the Iliad for my really cool English class. Woot Woot for testing out of French and getting in to an English class that reads classic Greek literature with a cool prof.

~*Ery*~